TJ & Kween Kimbally #2:

After weeks of enduring endless fights, high pitch screeching, and intolerable countertop lips, it was finally time for My Big Fat Indian Wedding! The Family TJ were busy preparing all of the many festivities to celebrate this momentous occasion. Kimbally’s contribution for the day was sh!tting her pants, which was due to nerve…. or way too much tikka masala. Instead of being excited for the wedding rituals, she was feeling weak, clammy, and generally pretty nauseous (But she had to attend all of the events, as she had under 6 diarrheas- Mother Summit Says). First up was her Mehndi ceremony, where several women took to making beautiful designs all over any exposed surface area of Kimbally’s arms and legs. Though she seemed to enjoy mehndi on the whole, she had a hard time feeling comfortable, since no one spoke English and she felt like a spectator at her own party. Kimbally pouted throughout the entire time she was being used as a human coloring book, and to top things off, Brother Yash made an appearance. Lucky for her, he was coming to chat and try to apologize in an attempt to make peace for the wedding day. Eventually the two made up, hoping they would have an easier time with conflict resolution in the future.
Kimbally clipped in her awful Hot Topic extensions to put her hair into space buns for her Anjali ceremony (which is the closest to an American bridal shower). Apparently people come and give the bride gifts that she must put in her lap (Hopefully it’s not the same type of “gifts” as an American bachelorette party… those would be embarrassing to have in your lap in front of family). As the hoard of women circled around Kimbally, she sat with a “bad cheese face”, confused, and looking like she was barely tolerating all of the photos and excitement. She looked like she was ready to run away, especially when she was asked to participate in the custom of sitting on her mother-in-law-to-be’s lap (She could have pretended it was Santa and asked for a toilet outside of the shower). Yet another one of TJ’s “failures to mentions”….

Next was the Sangeet ceremony, where friends and family perform dances for the bride and groom. Kimbally was beyond overwhelmed by all of the lights, cameras and action, fearing that she herself would have to perform a musical number in front of the massive crowd and soil herself, yet again. TJ coached her about going up on stage, making sure she followed his lead. Kim admitted she was not much of a dancer, and leaned more towards the art of goofy swaying while making stupid faces. Though slightly embarrassed by his future-wife’s coordination, TJ still managed to reassure Kim that she did a great job, lying through his perfectly aligned teeth. Kimbally couldn’t even comprehend that the last few days were really just a warm up from an extreme sensory overload main event (where she will most likely need to stroke her sunflower lanyard to keep calm). The main wedding event will be featured on next week’s episode, unless you have 6 or more diarrheas, then you don’t have to watch it.

 

 

Brandan, Mary & Baby makes 3:

Unfortunately it was not all sunshine and roses for the newly engaged young couple. Grandma and Lolo were finally back in town (that was a hell of a long Yak convention!), and Mary was afraid of letting them know about her current predicament. She couldn’t exactly hide it from Grandma, but Lolo was another story. Besides the whole unmarried pregnancy scandal, Mary and Brandan had been fighting constantly, sometimes screaming so loudly that neighbors were starting to take notice. In order to deescalate the fighting, Brandan would usually leave, but chooses to sleep on a dirty bench in the middle of town, where everyone stares at the tall Gringo (That’s not Pilipino, Kenny. And the translation is…..literally You.)
Later on, Mary met up with Brandan who was throwing rocks at people bathing in a river. She told him about her grandparent’s concerns with the couples’ arguing, and needed to come clean to Lolo about the pregnancy. The three sat down together to discuss the situation, with Mary and Brandan fighting all the while. Mary cried as she tried telling Brandan he needed to step things up and stop being such a large manchild, as he wiped each individual tear away from her face in the most annoying way. He promised to try and do better, though Mary and her crazy eyes seemed skeptical. Brandan passive-aggressively asked if he should return to the U.S., which of course annoyed her even further, while Lolo just sat shaking his head, mortified that the whole village had to know about the two idiots.

 

Holly & Wayne the Drain:

It was the morning after the wedding, and the newlyweds woke up finally in each other’s arms. Wayne was surrounded by a nest of creepy creature hair, as Holly blinked at him, smiling. They chit-chatted briefly about their sexual prowess, since they had waited so long to consummate their disaster of a relationship. Wayne questioned his title as a “Sex God”, while Holly giggled like a creepy doll from Spirit Halloween. She made mention of her fears for her safety after her mother leaves, as she’d be all alone in the house with the load shedding while Wayne was off snaking things out of people’s toilets so he could funnel more funds into Crypto.
Maybe Holly can just trip any pesky burglars with her Rapunzel hair… It would be like “Home Alone” meets “Tangled”, and would be far more entertaining than anything else this season.

 

 

Dan-Yell & Yo-Hawn:

In yet another attempt to save their union, the couple headed out to meet up with a life coach. Of course Yohan thought this was stupid, as he drove forth, dead-eyed as usual. As they rode along he decided to share all of gripes about the relationship and Daniele’s failure to make him a “kept” man. Apparently he was upset that she had not yet bought them a house, a car, made any kind of local investments, and couldn’t naturally bear him an heir (Who would inherit the puppy and a bunch of kicked around coconuts at this point, since the house and investments aren’t happening). Of course this hurt Daniele’s feelings, as she claims that Yohan only pays for half of the rent, which she then in turn uses to pay for all of their other expenses. She tried to point out all of her contributions to his life, by going over his wardrobe pieces, pointing out that she was his clothing dealer. It seems that Yohan has finally reached his breaking point with this Sanky-Panky gone wrong scheme. Hopefully the last thing Daniele wastes her money on is the life coach.