90 Days Of Our Lives; S8, EP 9

Brandon & Julia:
Brandon met up with his parents, Ron and Betty, at what I’m guessing (judging by the themed cartoon jalapeno pepper décor) was a Mexican restaurant where Ron ordered an authentic meal- wings. Betty and Ron waited and were looking forward to a nice family dinner of Mexican buffalo wild wings, but instead, Brandon had to drop the bomb that Julia wanted to move out. Of course he used Julia as the scapegoat (probably another animal she doesn’t want to feed on the farm), so his parents wouldn’t think it was his idea, since he didn’t want to be in big trouble or lose hot tub privileges. Betty and Ron seemed taken aback, confused as to why on Earth Julia would want to leave this picture perfect living situation. Brandon used the animals as the first reason for Julia’s discontent, but later fessed up to the other half of the problem; Betty. He told his mother that Julia felt Betty was controlling and that the couple did not have enough alone time together. His parents tried to persuade him to stay, warning him that renting their own apartment would be very costly and could detract from their wedding funds, but Brandon remained firm. He mentioned that the only way he thought Julia may reconsider staying would be if they were able to share a room. Ron seemed to vehemently object to this idea, sticking to his original ground rules and not wanting to give in to Julia’s demands. Betty, on the other hand, was sobbing as she asked Ron to soften his stance on the sleeping arrangements for the sake of keeping her little Bran-muffin close to the nest. It looks like Brandon and Julia have won this small battle, but the war isn’t over yet.

Next we saw Brandon take Julia out for a night on the town to a local pub. Julia was so excited to be around other people and alcohol (though it was lacking in gogo dancing). During a game of pool, Brandon told Julia the good news that his parents had come around to the idea of the couple sleeping in the same bedroom. He also told her his parents were okay with having Julia relinquish her farm chores, and was hoping that would be just the news Julia needed to stay. Julia agreed to give this new living situation a try for a short time until they had enough money saved to buy their own place, and the couple headed home to do naked crossword puzzles next door to his parents. (I’m sure next week Betty will yell at them for doing crossword puzzles incorrectly, perhaps in pen… or bring in a black light to shine on the bed and watch the room light up like an episode of Law & Order S.V.U.)

Big Mike & Natalie:
Meanwhile, back in Squim….
Mother Big Mike is getting ready to end her trip to Squim, as she gathers her belongings in the Big guy’s barren living room. She takes a break from packing to discuss the trip and Mike/Natalie’s relationship. Mother Mike could sense that her son wasn’t really ready to fully commit to Natalie again since the ring throwing incident and wanted her son to make sure Natalie’s intentions were the real deal.
After Trish left, Natalie and Mike sat down to pray before consuming a delicious carrot casserole (you could tell that the big guy seemed very excited about both by his 400 eyerolls..). Natalie hinted that she would like to start wedding planning, being that Mike had stopped talking about anything wedding related since Trish had left with her fancy bangs. Possibly in an attempt to distract her from wedding planning, Mike took Natalie out to the woods for a hike. On the car ride to their hiking location, Mike laughed at Natalie as she applied a full face of makeup for the occasion. She explained that her favorite times to look her best were reserved for church, hiking, and sports. She didn’t appreciate Mike laughing at her attempt to beautify herself for God and the landscape he created, and went silent for the rest of the car ride, once again creating that awkward tension that is the soundtrack of their entire relationship. Once they arrived in the wilderness, Natalie’s demeanor changed completely. She was skipping and hopping like a little kid, even stopping to sniff, hug, and possibly makeout with a tree. Mike looked on in confusion as to why the tree was getting more action than he has, but seemed to find her quirks endearing. 

When they returned back to the homestead, Natalie finally decided to unpack her clothes in the stinky closet. Try though she may, she couldn’t help but still be repulsed by the mystery odor and asked Mike to take her into town to find something to control the stench. For some reason, instead of just hitting up a CVS for Fabreeze and an Airwick, they decided to go into a shabby chic antique store. The helpful saleswoman suggested some “linen spray” as she proceeded to ask a series of relationship questions to the couple (as most supporting characters on the show tend to do). As the couple continued to shop, Natalie brought up the fact that absolutely nothing had been planned for their wedding though they only had under 2 months before her Visa expired. Mike confessed that he was still in the exploratory phase of their relationship, and would rather have a legal wedding now, and a celebration later when he feels more secure. All of the wedding talk seemed to cause Mike to have a mini meltdown (he probably pictured Natalie and that tree and got scared), and he refused to discuss the topic any further, suggesting they go home, probably daydreaming about Uncle Beau and pancake Sundays…..a simpler time. 

Yara & Bonjovi:
It appears that Jovi has sobered up since last episode, as he and Yara are strolling through New Orleans, seemingly annoyed with each other as per usual. Yara sat down to get henna done by a local street artist, and decided this would be the perfect time to tell Jovi the news about her pregnancy. Although there were maybe only 3 million more creative or exciting ways to deliver such news, she decided that blurting it out while getting henna drawn on her hand was appropriate (she should have at least had the henna lady draw one line on her hand, which according to her test result from last week, was positive). Jovi was in disbelief, thinking that Yara (who apparently is a real jokester) was playing a prank, as she had once before showed him a positive pregnancy test, in the name of comedy.

When the couple returned to their apartment, Jovi asked to supervise Yara as she took multiple pregnancy tests. The first test only produced one line instead of 2, which caused Jovi to accuse Yara of lying about the pregnancy (though it probably didn’t help that she seemed to wash the pregnancy test under water…). Since Yara insisted that the test was faulty, Jovi poured himself a red Solo cup full of something strong and supervised yet another test. This digital test revealed the result as “PREGNANT”, which shocked them both. Once he processed the news, Jovi seemed fairly level headed about the idea of having a baby. He was probably most excited that he could fit bottles for both dad and lad in Yara’s diaper bag. 

Stephanie & Daddy Ryan:
The perfect couple awoke after their first night together, as we saw Stephanie brushing her high quality extensions in the mirror. She curled up next to Daddy Ryan to casually ask why their first night reunion was missing the “union” part, in the physical sense. She was confused as to why they didn’t have relations of any kind, not even a quickie, let alone their usual “magic show” (now you KNOW that’s where the glow in the dark condoms come in to play…I just hope he doesn’t pull anything live out of a doo rag).  Stephanie droned on about the lack of intimacy while Ryan looked like a teenage boy who was being lectured by his mother as he stared off in the distance while she pet his hair (this whole ordeal is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen). Stephanie brought up the couples’ trust issues, questioning if Ryan’s lack of giving her the ole’ 1-2 was because he had been busy with multiple ladies before she arrived.

Stephanie decided it was time to come clean with Ryan about her family affair. She explained that after seeing Ryan texting another woman about meeting him in Cancun and throwing him out of her hotel room, she was consoled by his cousin Harris, who she allowed to entertain her with a little glow in the dark fun. Ryan seemed unphased by Stephanie’s revelation, as he had already heard about the scandal from his fellow hotel coworkers who saw Harris going into Stephanie’s hotel room. Ryan claimed to forgive Stephanie, though not forget, as he lay in bed expressionless, probably trying to think of all of the power plays he could make now that he has the upper hand. He did however mention that he would never forgive cousin Harris for his betrayal. (I wonder how cousin Harris feels about snake watches and skull doo rags?) 

Andrew & Amira:
Amira is back to sniffing cheese in her hometown, complaining that she hasn’t been speaking much to Andrew due to his busy vacation schedule. She called him on video chat (though mostly just watched herself play with her hair the entire time), as they discussed trying to meet up again, this time in Serbia. Though it seems obvious to onlookers that this is a stupid plan and anyone who was really scarred by spending days in a foreign detention center would not even entertain this idea, Amira seemed to be considering it. 
Amira went to meet up with her long time friend, Xavier, who was kind of like a 90’s werewolf and Zied had a baby in France. She tells Xavier of the newest Andrew scheme, where she would go to Serbia for 14 days alone, and THEN try to fly to the U.S. on the K1 Visa. Like the rest of us, Xavier seems to think this is a terrible idea, especially due to Amira’s recent experience. He warned that the situation would most likely end up the same as the previous attempt, and that Andrew even having made this suggestion is enough proof that he doesn’t really have her best intentions in mind. Amira should probably just run away with her werewolf friend and say “au revoir” to Andrew.   

Team Tarzel:
Tarik, Hazel, and his daughter Auri were having a nice breakfast, when Tarik received a personal text from the governor of Virginia. The first part of the message was asking Tarik if he could send over a signed copy of his hit single “Hawt Sauzz”, and the second part was to let him know first hand that the state was being shut down due to the pandemic. Immediately the production crew seemed to panic, scrambling to leave the house in fear that they’d be locked down for an undetermined amount of time in Casa de Tarzel. 

After digesting the news for a bit, the couple settled in that night to begin their quarantine by discussing the important matter of finding a third wheel for their sexy time during a pandemic. Tarik set up a profile on a dating site which specifically caters to their unique situation, and they searched for someone who was P.H.A.T. (Pretty Hot And Tempting) . Hazel explained to the cameras (who I guess got a personal text from the governor that it was safe to come back in the house for the sake of our entertainment), that she realized as a young girl that she was bi “sex-wall”, as was her sister. When she saw how unaccepting her parents were of her sister’s bi “sex-wallity”, she decided to keep it a secret. Now that she is in the United States, Hazel decided to let her freak flag fly, despite the fact that the show is international and available online. She tells Tarik to look for a hot girl with good breath (sorry, Rose), who she is hoping will be her best friend, sister, and lover (It’s kind of like Sister Wives, with more samurai swords, rapping, and threesomes…..which in my humble opinion is exactly what that show has been missing). Tarik’s only stipulation is that they keep the new third party out of their home life, i.e. away from his daughter, Auri. He also worries if Hazel will be able to handle the jealousy that comes along with this sort of situation, as she seemed to have issues with their ex girlfriend Minty (It was surprising that she didn’t like Minty, as she did specifically ask for a girl with fresh breath, which seems implied). Can’t wait to watch Hazel go lady shopping, (except that I can…)

Rebecca & Zied:
Rebecca and Zied have unpacked some cookware in the new apartment (hopefully there was a large sauce pot he could flip over and use as a chair). Despite the lack of seating, Rebecca invited her friend Melanie over to scare Zied straight… or say hello. Zied used up all of his favorite phrases in the first two sentences, saying “So nice to meet you so nice, so happy to be here so much”, and then was spent. Melanie went on to grill Zied about his daily schedule while he was alone all day in the abandoned building, insinuating that Zied was a repeat of Rebecca’s last marital situation. Rebecca sulked like an angsty teen with her arms crossed as she got more and more angry. Melanie then dropped the bomb that this isn’t Rebecca’s first time living with a twenty something year old middle eastern man in that apartment building….dun dun dun!

Rebecca started to cry, afraid of what Zied might think and if he would be so mach angry and no accept this. But instead of getting cave-man mad, he actually comforted her, defending the fact that he is a different person than her ex husband, before walking off in his tight shirt to the bedroom 10 feet away to stress smoke a cigarette out the window. Melanie hugged Rebecca goodbye, as she had served her purpose for the storyline. There is as much going on with these two as there is furniture in that apartment…..