The Other Way; S4, EP 2

Kris & Jeymi/J-Me/Jamie:

This week we got to see Kris and Jey-mi giddy with excitement as they discussed their big meeting that would soon be taking place. Even though almost everyone in their lives feels they are rushing into things, since they decided to get married after only 9 days, they both seem to agree on this awkward decision.

It was finally time for Kris to gear up to head out to Colombia. She was driven by her mom and 2 kids to the airport, as everyone expressed their nervousness for her new venture. She assured them she was making the right decision (and no one should dare question a woman wearing crocheted arm warmers, a headband that looks like a toothache bandage and about 3 other competing patterns throughout her ensemble). 

Back in Colombia, Jeymi was preparing for her lady-love’s arrival with a little makeover session. She headed to see her friends at their salon so they could style her for the big day. We learned that Jaymi had previously been a mall-model (most likely the Venezuelan version of “Barbizon”), and seems to be anything but camera-shy. She filled her hair and makeup team in on her past issues with Kris, and her three separate disappearing acts throughout their relationship. She also discussed her fear of dealing with Kris’s narcolepsy, which often causes her to fall asleep on their video chats. Jeymi admitted to her online indiscretions, but explained that she had felt justified at the time. Both hair and makeup artists agreed privately that Jeymi and Kris should wait longer than their 9 day deadline to tie the knot, but they were probably contracted for hair and makeup for the wedding which means double the brides, double the pay day, and gave an approving “Yaaaas, queens, do it!” 

Gabe & Isabelle:

Before Gabe heads out to Colombia, he had a long heart to heart with his mommadukes. Mother Gabe seems very supportive, though she worries what will happen, especially being that she’s never met Isabelle, and only imagines this whole scenario playing out like Encanto (I could see Louisa being one of Gabe’s underwear customers… just sayin’. And if you don’t get that reference, then you don’t have a toddler in your life, and it shows).

Meanwhile back in Colombia, we got to meet Isabelle, amidst an intense Nerf gun firefight. The 33 year old mother of two explained her struggles as a teen mom to her now 16 year old daughter, Sara, and 11 year old son Miguel Angel. Isabelle discussed her past failed relationships with far more “machismo” men, before meeting Gabe. She admitted that she was a bit confused on the “trans” factor at first, but decided to pursue the relationship due to the two’s deep connection. Isabelle and her daughter took a break from shakin’ it Shakira style to discuss Gabe’s arrival. Sara was in the know about Gabe being trans, but remained indifferent, since her mother finally seemed happy. The only tough sell would be the Parents and Grandparents Isabelle, who were a bit more old fashioned and conservative. 

So far I really like both Gabe and Isabelle…. I’m waiting for some annoying facts to surface, like they exclusively shop at House of 11, or they like to double date with Jesse and Jennifer…..

Jen & Rishi:

Back in Oklahoma, down on the farm, Jen was setting the table for evening supper for the last time before she headed off to the homeland of Stewmeat. As she ingested her last round of Bolthouse farm-dressed salad, she discussed her newest adventure. Though Jen’s family were all super supportive and understanding of her need to journey across the world to find true love, they seemed a bit shocked to hear some of the fine print. Jen explained that this marriage to Indian Jesus would be considered a “love marriage” (as opposed to an “arranged marriage”), and one that Rishi conveniently forgot to tell Indian “Mother Mary” about. Of course this news caused Jen’s family to see the red flags a-wavin’. They questioned if the wedding would even take place should the Family Indian Jesus disapprove. Through a half closed eye, Jen explained that she can’t be bothered with such details, as they give her anxiety. She instead chose to trust that Rishi would see this thing through (because clearly she’s learned nothing from the previous seasons of Jenny going to India that came before her and will be married by approximately age 127). 

Jen met up with her long term gal pals to chat about her newest awful life plan. Her friends reminded her of her previous poor choices, skeptical at this new Indian Jesus prospect. Apparently running off with random men she barely knows is kind of Jen’s typical M.O., just usually they’re in the continental U.S. Her friends questioned if Rishi was equally as committed to the relationship, being that his social media made him look single. They suggested they might make a fake catfishing type of profile to entrap Rishi, pretending to be a single gal named “Michelle Jones”. 

Later on, Jen’s friend called her via video chat to fill her in on the catfishing optics. Apparently Rishi took the bait, slightly, making small talk with this “random internet stranger”. Jen didn’t feel this ev-EH-dense was incriminating enough to stop the madness, and was still set on being India-bound. The only thing that could stop her? Approximately 7-8 diarrheas (according to Mother Sumitch. Anything less and you have no excue)

Nicole & Mahmoud:

Nicole is a 38 year old waif-like pixie currently living in Los Angeles. She spends her days buying and selling vintage clothing and her nights delivering food to make a few extra bucks. She fancies herself a regular fashionista, despite her humble upbringing in small town Idaho. Though she enjoys the outward appearance of beautiful designs, don’t mistake her for being shallow. Nicole also has a spiritual side, one that led her on a “soul journey” to Egypt (don’t worry, the other 85 lbs of her got to accompany her soul). While traipsing around the pyramids, getting the ultimate photos for her Instagram, she encountered a street vendor cat-calling her (but with the most sparkling brown eyes). Normally when getting cat-called I often wonder if that ever has a positive ending? Does any woman actually fall in love and marry their cat-caller? The answer is yes. Nicole. It worked on Nicole.

After spending time together, the two decided to get married, and she made the move to Egypt. But unfortunately for Nicole, she found it very difficult to “Walk like an Egyptian”, since it meant putting aside her fashion preferences for exclusively vintage fashion…and by vintage, I mean so vintage that they look a bit biblical. Turns out Mahmoud (said Cat-caller-turned-husband) was not just joking around when he told her she would need to cover up from her wig-like bob to her bird-like ankles. Of course fighting ensued, as Nicole wasn’t used to “mens controlling her” and she soon returned to her Grub-Hubbing ways in L.A. Her grub-hubby, on the other hand, cat called her long distance on Facetime and convinced her to try and work things out. 

She met up with her girlfriends at the local flea market to discuss her upcoming return to Egypt… while drinking a beer. Her friends tried to remind her that being with Mahmoud (who Nicole pronounces MACH-mood, reminiscent of Libby’s “Undrrrrei”), was a tad restrictive. Though Nicole would miss showing off her blonde dye job and hugging platonic members of the opposite sex, she missed her husband even more, and decided to give Egypt another chance. 

Nicole called Mahmoud via video chat to gauge his excitement level about her upcoming arrival. He tried to play it cool, seeming happy yet indifferent about her pilgrimage, as he maintained that most of the couples’ fights are started by Nicole. She tried to avoid such fighting by asking for more direct guidelines on the dress code, so she didn’t end up on the Egyptian version of “What Not To Wear”. MACH-mood let her know that she was not to wear anything form-fitting or revealing. I am looking forward to this storyline soooo maaaaach(mood) 

Danielle & Yohan:

Back in the land of Pedro, Yohan is quietly appeasing his mini bride’s request to hold off on moving to the U.S. He feels like she is comparing a great vacation to the reality of living on the island, which are clearly two very different experiences. The Family Yohan are all team Danielle, as they see nothing but knock off handbags and big screen tvs in their near future. 

The morning after her arrival, Danielle went out back to Yohan’s family’s veranda to enact her 10 step skincare routine (Aside from a personal home-spa, the veranda also acts as a food storage facility, garage for motorcycles, and possible dog waste receptacle). After watching Danielle’s beautification rituals, Yohan decided to take her to see his newly opened business; A butcher shop. From the outside the shop already looked like a huge success, as noted by the phallic graffiti. Inside, however, the 6 lumps of meat inventory sat out on the hot countertop surrounded by an entourage of flies. Yohan, being a natural problem solver, hired a professional bug swatter who used a limp cheerleader pom pom to shoo away the pests. Danielle tried to pull a John Taffer on her beloved, asking him to “Bust open the books” so she could evaluate his business model (and then “Shut it down!”). She was stunned to realize that Yohan made a much better hotel hype man than he did a businessman, as he was running his meat germ-itorium off of chicken scratch notes and IOUS (also, chicken scratch is on the menu). 

The universe must have gotten confused when Danielle was manifesting “a hot piece of man-meat from the DR” and instead delivered her literal hot fly-covered meat in the DR with a side of man. I hate when things get lost in translation….