Happily Ever After; S7, EP 2

Libby & Unnnndrei:

The Moldy real estate mogul was wearing a rather metrosexual velvet floral shirt as he vacuumed in preparation for the couples’ house warming party. They made sure to have the affair catered with the finest of charcuterie platters, consisting of a smorgasbord of cold cuts from the Moldovan region. Undrrrrei only invited a select guest list of Tampa’s most enterprising individuals, including but not limited to his immigration lawyer, and of course… Anastasia and Drizella (aka Libby’s sisters, Becky and Jen). They of course had a lot of “fots” to tell the camera aside, mocking the party’s random guest list and tempting deli platter.
Libby gave the ladies of the gathering a tour, which started with little  Eleanor’s bedroom, and quickly headed to her new “singing studio”. Though her guests asked for a private concert, Elizabeth declined, as the audience was not age appropriate for her brand. You see, her newest singing endeavors focus mostly on the nursery rhyme sector. Of course this news received some snickering from the evil sisters, who obviously never heard of “Blippi” (and if you haven’t, look him up. And if you look him up, I’m sorry. That fool is laughing all the way to the bank. Libby could easily become “Blibbi”- get her the suspenders stat).
They headed back down to finish up the soiree, only leaving behind the immediate family members to help clean up. Libby noted the success of the party, due to the delectable cold cuts and lack of drama. Of course Jen had to bring up the obvious reason for the lack of dramatics, which was the absence of Brother Charlie. Mother Libby tried to once again defend her baby Beavis, as Jen and Undrrrrrei finally agreed on one thing; Charlie has a problem with alcohol. Mama bear tried to maintain that Charlie drinks just as much as his Moldy brother in law, even though it affects him differently. Pam suggested the family band together to help Charlie, like some kind of Potthast family intervention special, which was immediately shot down by Undrrrrei. He hated the idea so much that he threatened to kick Pam out of the house and stop speaking to her as well. Libby stood by, with her slow, nasal (yet soon to be child entertainment star) voice, saying “Baaaaaabe, calm dowwwwn-uh”, which of course made no impact. 
I guess that whole “drama-free” party was a pipe dream after all. 

Jenny & Shmee:

Back at the house of sin, Mother Sumitch was still in the throes of her fabulously dramatic tantrum from last week, crying about all of the ways her son has ruined her life. Smee tried to reason with her, while Jenny sat by looking warm and constipated. Mother Smitt recalled all of the pain of childbirth she bore bringing Summi into the world, only to hand him over to a 300 year old woman that he had barely known (only 10 years or so…. ). Sensing she was losing the battle, she had to pull out all the stops by letting him know that he was now disinvited to all family functions, included but not limited to she and her husband’s own funerals (I’m loving that threat the most, and hoping she is petty enough to prearrange security for the event to escort him out if he dared to show up. She didn’t feel the need to banish Jenny from her funeral, since she figured she’d be long gone by then). Mother Shmee additionally cursed any future reincarnations for any subsequent lives her son may experience, before firmly stating that she will never ever be #TeamJenny. Message received. Both the Brother Sumpump and Sister in Law concurred that the actions of Mike Jones will have long lasting effects on their mother, who will need additional nasal flossing after all of this crying. Mother Sum41 laid out her final ultimatum; It’s either Jenny or your family, to which Stupee sat in silence. Sensing that they had reached a stalemate, Father Stampeed suggested it was best that the family leave. Somewitch followed his parents outside, begging them once again to give their blessing, hoping that a change of scenery would change his Mother’s cold, black, beautifully entertaining heart (which has worked out so well in the last 8 seasons). 

She will not like her here or there, she will not like her anywhere. 
She does not like Jenny, Sa-mee. She’s just too old- too old, you see??

A downtrodden Smee walked sadly back into the house, only to be met with another challenge; An angry stringy-haired banshee. Jenny screamed at him for not translating during the conversation, and leaving her sitting alone in the living room for 10 minutes while he walked his family out the door after being disowned. Jenny threw an absolute fit, with her greasy strings bouncing up and down as she yelled so loudly that the local monkeys all came to the window to see what was going on. Sometwit felt frustrated, as he left Aggro-Jen sitting on the bed, with what appeared to be a wall clock being used as a throw pillow (It could be an alarm clock, maybe a regional thing. Or possibly a timer on a bomb left in the house as a last ditch effort by Mother Smitt to finally end this relationship. Either way, it just seems uncomfortable to sleep with. Much like Jenny.)
Jenny ran back into the living room to continue to yell at SueMe for his lack of comfort, as if being disowned by his parents after 10 years of being a weenie wasn’t enough… She finally came to her senses, throwing her fat arms around his neck in a hug, as the couple cried, and the monkeys looked on from the window, rolling their eyes and wondering when we will be done with this storyline. 

Big Ed & Regular Sized Liz:

Back from his brief stint as the stunt double for the Mucinex characters, Big Ed has returned and  has brought with him his now fiancee- Liz. The couple’s journey was featured on the spinoff “The Single Life”, where Ed pursued the much younger Liz, who repeatedly denied his advances, until finally giving in to his gnome-like charms. Though they officially became a couple, there were a lot of trust issues and adolescent style fighting between them, with Ed reiterating on their “catch up” segment how he broke up with Liz “8 times via text”. After the passing of his beloved dog and best friend Teddy during his last season on “The Single Life”, Liz reached out to the little snot, despite all of her super mature and public statements made against him, to send her condolences. It was then that Ed realized that Liz was “the one”, and he raced out to put a ring on it. 

The couple kicked off this season by exploring a venue to hold their engagement party with Liz’s two friends in tow. Her girlfriends could not believe her willingness to deal with Ed for the 9th time, and couldn’t  understand how anyone could want to be on tv THAT badly…
Ed explained that the reconciliation was tough for his friends and family as well, especially since Liz had made accusations about him online during one of their high school breakups. Ed’s adorable tiny mother seems to even be angry about the reunion (and if she’d like some pointers on threats, I was going to slip her Mother Smee’s phone number and/or WhatsApp). 
Another important person currently at odds over Ed’s rekindled romance is Ed’s long term friend, Rich, who had been featured many times on the show. The two former friends met up at a seedly park at night to discuss their troubled relationship. Rich reminded his tiny pal about all of the trauma he suffered at the hands of Liz, and the fact that he’s just trying to perform his friend duties by warning him of the impending doom he will inevitably face. Ed did not seem to appreciate the fact that Rich had been teaming up with his mother, talking behind his back, and forming an anti-Liz alliance. He finally gave Rich an ultimatum; Accept the relationship with Liz, or end their 16 year friendship. I suggest everyone disinvites Ed to their funerals.

Jovi & Yara:

After Yara’s big night out talking about boob jobs, the family of three decided to take a wholesome trip to a winery so Jovi could further decrease his liver functions. They explained the need to take baby Mylah on the day-drinking venture, since they had a falling out with Mother Jovi, aka, their free babysitter. Apparently while Jovi was away at work (4 weeks on/4 weeks off), Grandma Gwen was a bit absentee, which really upset Yara (though this completely contradicts their storyline during their second season, where Gwen helped Yara and Mylah do everything, even accompanying the couple on vacations to babysit). She felt Mama “Gween” should want to come over all of the time without being asked, which started a bit of conflict. Yara wished her own mother could come to stay with them, and contemplated taking Mylah back to Ukraine for a lengthy visit. Of course there were complications with that plan, including but not limited to Yara’s lack of Green Card and an impending war. 

Once they reached the vineyard, Jovi made sure to grab an entire bottle for the rest of the tour. As they walked amongst the barren trees, Yara propositioned Jovi about getting her boob job, to eliminate the whole “trashbag boobs filled with pepperoni” dilemma. Jovi tried to blame the influence of Yara’s new pals for the sudden desire to change her appearance (as if she’d never gone under the knife or endured a few needles in the name of beauty before). These two better come up with a better storyline, or they’re not invited to my funeral. 

International Supastar Sojaboy & Kween Kimbally:

Back in Sokoto, Nigeria… Usman (the artist better known as Sojaboy) reintroduced us all to his road to superstardom, which of course is paved with a raging female fan base. He breezed over the “BGL” relationship, and went straight to discussing his most recent flavor of the season, Kimbally. Even though he felt like Kim was ready to go “der” for him, he had met her just after ending a super serious internet relationship with yet another woman; Age appropriate “Zara mah baby, yah yah”. After meeting Kim during last season of “Before the 90 Days”, he had reached back out to Zara, just to make sure his online feelings had subsided before officially promoting Kimbally from “Potential” to “Girlfriend” status. He explained the two’s deep connection, and his appreciation for her love and support (and laptop and playstation).
Usman sat down with his elder brother Mohammed (who has not been proven yet to be a “user”) to discuss Kimbally’s upcoming visit to the Sokoto region. He explained his plan to bring Kimbally over to mom’s place to get her blessing, yet again, for an engagement (which of course will be accompanied by the sacrifice of some unsuspecting animal). Of course Mohammed brought up the age difference, citing Usman’s last failed relationship with an older woman, and their mother’s desire for a GrandSojababy. Usman had a backup plan for this caveat, in the way of marrying a second wife from Sokoto, who would agree to produce an heir, while Kimbally would stay on as his number one wife (and possibly move to Coyote Pass, next to the trees, away from the swamp, and facing the mountain. Just look at the mountain…).
Next we saw Kimbally heading to the airport (with her blinged out steering wheel cover) to pick up her son Jamal from the airport for a little visit. Jamal and Kim were helping to plant flowers in the family garden, when Kim sat her son and elderly mother down to reveal her plan of proposing to Usman and bringing him over on the K1-Visa. Both Mother and Son Kimbally saw the obvious flaws in this plan, trying to bring her back down to Earth and realize that “Ooze-man” might not be the great guy she thinks he is. All of the negative feedback brought Kim to tears, as she tried to explain her past sacrifices for other people’s happiness and desire to now fully concentrate on her own. 

B-lull & Shy-duh:

The couple appeared at a coffee shop, ready for the big showdown with Bile’s ex wife. Shyduh was still mad about their last interaction, where Ex Wife ShaHEEduh made her feel like she was only in this relationship to advance herself and eventually take Bilal’s money (instead of just enjoying his sparkling personality). It was finally time for the Shahee/Shy-duh Showdown, with Shyduh starting things off with a snarky standoffish attitude, explaining her disappointment in their previous conversation. She tried to explain that it wasn’t the content of the conversation that sent her into such a fit, but rather the “tone”. Yes, this entire storyline is based on someone’s tone during a conversation.
The power struggle didn’t sit well with ShaHEEduh, who refused to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part. Both women turned to Bilal, trying to get him to squash the situation with some of his salesman mumbo jumbo, without much luck. Things started to get loud, as Bilal began repeating “Not today, Satan” in his religious language, sprinkling holy water on the two possessed women, as they continued to square off. Shaheeduh took the old Chantel “You will not disrespect me today, Good night” approach, while Shyduh sipped her tea, smugly, smirking to herself with pride. 
Bilal and Shyduh left together, in yet another infamous awkward car ride home. Though she tried to make breezy conversation and pretend like nothing happened, Bilal’s painful silence was reminder enough. (Everyone involved in this segment is disinvited to my funeral, and I’m hiring Angela to enforce this policy).