Love In Paradise; Season 4 Episode 2

Kyle & Ani:

Back on the island of Malta….. The newly formed couple were feeling things out, as Kyle continued to push his whole patented “Points” system for their relationship. He encouraged Ani to abide by his preferences such as not drinking or wearing a ponytail, in order to earn fictitious “points”, which will add up to rewards (It’s kind of like Chuck E Cheese…you can redeem your points for a twizzler or Chinese finger trap…or Y chromosomes). Kyle decided to stay at his own AirBNB since he hates sharing a bathroom (I guess he’s only comfortable sharing DNA with people he doesn’t know, not necessarily towels).

Later that night, the two met up for their first official date. Kyle decided to wear gym shorts and a t-shirt to keep things casual (And avoiding restriction in tight pants… slows down the swimmers. Bad for business). Ani was dressed appropriately as she met up with her date, surprised that he looked like he had rolled out of an intercourse donation. 

Things continued to take a weird turn as Kyle opened his mouth to both talk and eat, managing to do so at the same time. Ani couldn’t believe his lack of manners as she looked horrified watching him slurp his dinner (He’s at a negative 30 points, if you ask me). As he dined in a feral manner, he continued to go on and on about all of his preferences for Ani, and how he would like her to look and act. He told a bewildered Ani that he required a certain number of points for a kiss (Variations for open mouth vs closed) as well as other physical intimacy. And if everything about him wasn’t creepy enough, he specifically asked to inspect Ani’s fingernails, as he likes to be scratched in one particular location of his back that sends him into a euphoric state. 

I’m not sure if pepper spray is legal in Malta, but I think I’m going to mail some to Ani…..If anyone shouldn’t be reproducing, it’s this guy!

Shawn & Alliyah/ Douglas:

Shawn finally arrived in Brazil with Alliyah waiting to greet him. The two embraced in a sea of interesting hairstyles as they headed from the airport to their temporary love nest. Alliyah mentioned that they weren’t permitted to stay at her home that she shares with her grandmother, who doesn’t approve of her lifestyle or relationship. Also staying at the AirBNB with them was the creepy doll Shawn had bought for his future fiance, who felt like she missed out on playing with dolls during her younger years. (Sidenote: This really makes buying her gifts for the holidays so much easier….there’s the EZ Bake Oven, training bras, and My Little Ponies to name a few. Jot those down, Shawn).

Being a hairstylist, Shawn wasted no time busting out a suitcase full of hair for Alliyah to peruse. She galavanted around the Airbnb wearing a black ramen-noodle number, as the two settled in. 

Later that night, Alliyah chose a curly ponytail to take out on a walk as the couple headed out for dinner. Shawn explained that he was using this trip to see if Douglas was still somewhere in there under the pile of weave and cornrows, since that was who he had fallen in love with. As they dined, it seemed as if Shawn was testing the waters with Dougliyah, trying to get a read on whether or not he is the same. Alliyah seemed happy with her new transformation, even wanting to go a step further by having her fat sucked out of her stomach and injected into her rear end. Shawn seemed to encourage all of her transformative endeavors, while at the same time privately seeming hesitant. Just think, Shawn… You’ll have so much more hair to play with now.

Alex & Adriano:

Alex is a thirty year old therapist from Dallas, TX who’s professional life is a bit on the serious side. While she was yucking it up with her female family members, she went over the details of her new long distance love affair, which involved a man she met on a dating app while in Italy named Adriano. Though the two have been maintaining a steamy romance from afar, Adriano proposed they bring another lady into the mix. Alex explained that being with women used to be a thing in her past, but she was no longer interested in playing Three’s Company. She prepared for her upcoming trip to Italy, where she hoped to figure out where the relationship was headed.

Hailing from Southern Italy, we got to meet Adriano, the Italian Stallion. His opening scene included his flowing hair glistening with sea water, as he did a Baywatch style run along the sand, and showcased his body during a game of volleyball. Adriano went over his unlikely relationship with Alex, and the commitment he felt towards her,…..and having a threesome.

In preparation for Alex’s upcoming arrival, Adriano went to a local barber shop to get cleaned up. Unfortunately the barber was only able to clean up the beard and not his mind from the gutter, as he went on and on about the magic of having a threesome. Adriano’s male friend accompanied him (Since there is always a friend who has to listen to the cast member’s “concerns” and give pushback). He listened to Adriano rattle off all of Alex’s positive qualities that he felt made her a perfect life partner, but agreed that having threesomes was very important, and even offered to join if needed. All I know about Adriano, is he loves things in threes……Favorite nursery rhyme? Three Blind Mice. Favorite Band? Three Doors Down. Favorite show? Three Stooges. Favorite way to dine? Three course meal. Favorite way to lose his girlfriend? Threesome obsession.

Luke & Madeline:

Luke is packed up all of his finest flashy jewelry to head to Colombia to be with Madeline. He was however a bit nervous, as he was going to have to let her know that he’s actually broke, and hoped Madeline would love him and his dangly earrings for richer or much, much poorer.

Meanwhile in Colombia…Madeline waited anxiously for Luke’s arrival. To calm her nerves, she fiddled furiously away at a Rubik’s cube while holding on to her inbred pup who was lifelessly blinking in her arms.

Madeiline put on one of her many skimpy outfits and fluffed up her awful extensions as she set out with a bundle of balloons to meet her mate. Unfortunately she was too busy staring at the ceiling to notice he had come into the baggage claim area, and he was able to surprise her, as they embraced happily. 

For some reason, I find them entertaining. That poor dog though….I think he might have been made using Kyle’s sperm.