Shekinah & SarperImage:

Back at Sarper’s pad… Shekinah was packing her things to leave for a hotel after the big guy demanded she bore him his perfect Instagram child. Shekinah was so upset that he suddenly changed his mind about wanting children, and threatened to forget her in two days if she left. As he watched her pack her things, he now claimed he’d “delete her”, which was the worst thing you could say to another person who only speaks fluent “internet” (After all she had already “unsubscribed” from their previous conversation). And me? Well, I hit the “like” button to this whole thing.
After two days were over, Sarper found himself still remembering Shekinah and pining for her soft, trampoline lips. He vowed to woo her back, making romantic gestures like showing up outside of her hotel room to make little heart signs with his hands (I guess “Say Anything” was a little different in Turkey). After enough apology video messages and romantic gestures, Shekinah agreed to meet up with him on a park bench, where he showed up, shirt unbuttoned in all of his waxed chest glory that the ladies could not resist.
He started to profusely apologize, and admit it would take him two decades to forget Shekinah instead of the 2 days he previously mentioned (Though if they ever got in another fight, he may want to throw around 2 hours). She wanted to make sure the kid topic was something he was legitimately done with, before even considering rekindling their “fire emoji” romance. Sarper claimed to have weighed out the subject of having a kid, and ultimately decided that having Shekinah in his life weighed heavier on the scale (Like the real Shkinah, who still needed to make weight. Don’t think he forgot about that…she better not have eaten her feelings). He promised to never pressure her into anything ever again, which helped her forgive him and the two eventually made up. I’m hitting the “care” emoji, followed by an “eyeroll” emoji, before exiting the chat.

 

Brandan & Mary:
Back in Satan’s waiting room….
The beetles were still attacking the wedding party, causing Mother Brandan to have an absolute meltdown. The lights from the camera crew were attracting them even more, though Sharp Entertainment had to roll that beautiful beetle footage, causing a nightmare of raining beetles to shower the entire wedding party. A bug-soaked Brandan walked his mother chivalrously to a car, where he calmed her down and assured her there were no more bugs in her messy bun that she shouldn’t have worn to the wedding anyway. He then went back to the wedding site to retrieve Mary, who became a giant human bug zapper, trapping hundreds of beetles in the tulle of her poofy wedding dress (Hopefully the dress wasn’t a rental… I’m assuming there would be an extra charge for “de-bugging”). In all of the commotion, Brandan’s wedding ring came off, and he searched the beetle-laden area via flashlight, desperate to find it.
Eventually the ring surfaced, and Mary was able to remove herself from her bug net, before they all piled in the car to get out of the swarm. They managed to take the cake to-go, removing as many of the bugs as they could before eating a piece. Back at the house, Mother Brandan finally stopped crying and was able to calm herself, managing to hug the newlyweds before it was off to sleep with one eye open for fear of giant spiders and geckos. (I know she’s in recovery and all, but one Xanax would make sense. Also, I don’t think she’ll be picking up an “I heart the Philippines” t-shirt at the airport).
Once alone, Brandan promised Mary that he will be a much better husband than he had been a boyfriend. They smiled happily, picking the last remaining beetles out of their dung beetle cake and lived happily ever after. The End.

 

Kween Kimbally 2 & TJ:

Mother TJ and Brother Yash were sitting with TJ, enjoying yet another delicious, cow-dung infused dining experience at the family table. They couldn’t help but notice Kimbally’s absence, and were quick to point out her rudeness and disinterest in having every meal together. TJ tried explaining that this type of togetherness was still foreign to Kim, and that he can not force her to partake in their family-style living. Yash was harsh, yet again blaming his brother for bringing home a stubborn American who refused to let go of her feelings and follow the rules. (I also noticed Father TJ was missing from the table, but I guess they don’t care if he’s rude. He has to sleep on the floor….)
Meanwhile, upstairs in the apartment with the horrible lip on the countertop…
Kimbally was vacuuming the cow dung off of her rug and waiting for TJ to return from work, as do most Jaipurian housewives. He finally came in to talk, only to have Kim tell him she was horribly depressed and felt completely alone. Though she understood TJ needed to be at work for most hours of the day, she couldn’t help but feel isolated. She still had not mastered Hindi, and felt she couldn’t really go out alone, and was uncomfortable going downstairs with his family, since they were hostile towards her. She also had a hard time staying in touch with her friends and family back home, since they were on opposite time zones, and she likes to go to bed early. TJ listened flatly, feeling like he was unable to make the situation better, other than suggesting that Kim spend more time with his passive-aggressive family. The fight began to escalate, as Kim became more and more emotional, feeling like she wasn’t receiving any support from her new husband. He eventually suggested that she go back to the U.S. and that they should separate (which I could only imagine would involve 450 more ceremonies, since the wedding had soooo maaaach ceremonies to begin with. Do you just have to do them all again but backwards for a divorce?!!)
Kimbally screeched at the top of her lungs with frustration, while TJ ran downstairs to tattletell on her to his “mummy”. I hope his next wife likes the lip on the countertop more than this one did.

 

Daniele & Yo-ho-ho-han:

Daniele had her power-ponytail in place as she packed up the entire apartment to move out. She explained that she was completely done with Yohan, as she had received a message from his mistress asking if the couple were really getting a divorce. For a minute she questioned if this mystery woman was telling the truth, but once she told Daniele that Yohan had asked her to pay for the divorce, Daniele knew it was no work of fiction. The other woman seemed to also be from out of town, and had been with Yohan on more than one occasion, even meeting a few members of his family and sending them money. She sent Daniele their text exchanges, which included a pick of Yohan’s third leg that he managed to take while wearing his Santa suit and handing out presents, putting the “hoe” in hoe-hoe-hoe. Since he had left his computadora at the apartamento (That’s computer, at the apartment, Kenny…and you never do that when you’re sending out pictures of the goods…it’s bad news), Daniele took it upon herself to snoop around and find at least 6 additional women that Yohan had been speaking with and/or receiving money from. Daniele was blindsided, feeling like she never truly knew her sky-high sanky panky husband, and claimed to now be Mother Debbie done. I noticed she hasn’t called that guru in awhile… maybe now would be a good time to kick around a coconut.