Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 5

Emily & Kobe:

After the failed date night last week, Emily went back to the AirBNB to discuss things with her mom-with-the-good-hair. She seemed to be running with the storyline that Kobe’s friends disapproved of their marriage since she wasn’t Cameroonian…. As if any of them really lost sleep over it. Mother Emily tried to reassure her bossy daughter that she should spend some time getting to know them (Which would most likely not help the situation).
Later on, it seemed the activity for the day was playing a game of handball; Kobe’s main sport of choice. The couple suited up into their respective jerseys, though Emily chose to sit the game out, citing she was better at yelling than playing ball. Being that Kobe had recently torn his ACL and had surgery, Emily made sure to remind him to be careful not to reinjure himself, as any wife would. Of course this necessary note of caution made her receive a “check-plus” under the “bossy” column in the Friends Kobe’s book. Without fail during the first….. inning? Quarter? (I’m not a handball expert…) Kobe re injured his knee and had to walk off the field. Emily came over to recommend he elevate and “put thumb ith on it” (Check mark number two). 

Kobe’s friends rushed to point these examples of American Wife bossy-b*tch behavior to Kobe, who acknowledged that her attitude on the trip so far has been less than Cameroonian. Though he did try to stand up for her slightly, his friends’ comments stuck with him, causing him to bring things up to clueless Emily. She seemed stunned that her version of “care and concern” was unacceptable regionally, and didn’t understand why her husband’s friends were being “tho thtinkin’ mean”. 

As the Friends Kobe stood huddled together after the game, Emily walked her bossy self over to try and chat. After a few back and forth discussions about cultural differences, one of the friends revealed that Kobe in fact had a girlfriend in Cameroon at the time when he met Emily in China. She tried to remain calm, feeling like these “friends” could be trying to sabotage her relationship, but was a tad bit curious to know if Kobe had conveniently left out this information during the entirety of their relationship. 
Hereth to another 14 epithodes of this! I would be happy just watching her dad try on some more traditional outfits….

 

 

Jasmania & Gee-Know:

Jasmine continued to wander the streets of Michigan aimlessly, stopping at a park bench to….well whaddayaknow, CRY. Gino joined her, listening as she bellowed on about the possibility of not seeing her kids for 2 years. She claimed that out of all 4,000 times she threatened to return to the real Panama (not the poorly decorated townhouse-Panama), this time was serious. Gino promised to work hard to modify her Visa application, hap-hazzardly agreeing to consult with a lawyer, even though he wasn’t currently able to pay for one.

They later went out for a fancy Italian dinner, because let us not forget Gino’s heritage . Because this was supposed to be a romantic date night, Jasmine decided to play “Lady and the Tramp” with her fettuccine noodles, slurping up towards Gino’s face (really classing up the joint). As Jasmine devoured her salad-noodle-salsa concoction (Causing Gino’s Italian ancestors to roll in their graves), she seemed to be in better spirits. She expressed her gratitude for Gino and all of his efforts regarding his recent attempts to help bring her kids over. Gino decided to take advantage of the rare good mood to ask if she was still up for trying to have a baby together. She tried to point out all of the tough parts of becoming a parent, hoping to talk him out of the terrible idea, but no such luck. Gino seemed set on producing his heir (Which will undoubtedly not be a “masculine” child, and more of a “Fredo”….Leave the baby….take the cannoli). 

 

Patrick & Thighs:

Back from the 90 Day roster are Patrick and Thais, of Brother John relation. They revisited their original season to remind everyone of their issues with John as their roommate, back in the days when he was drunk and single. The biggest update was that the two are now parents to a tiny little baby girl, Aleesi, who is sure to be the highlight of their season.

Currently they are getting ready to take a trip to Thigh’s hometown in Brazil so her family can meet the baby and celebrate her 6 month birthday. Though they were both looking forward to the visit, Patrick had recently hurt his knee, and needed surgery (He and Kobe should have gotten a 2 for 1 deal…. But hopefully Emily nor Thais mentioned that, because that might make them bossy).  

Brother John came over to pretend to help assemble some baby gates, and let the couple know about his new life as an engaged man (as seen on The Single Life Tell All Part 3,005). Hearing that there would be a “pah-ty” in Brazil for his tiny niece, John naturally felt inclined to invite himself along as the third wheel. He claimed he would act as moral support for Patrick, as this would be the first time he was seeing Father Thighs since marrying his daughter without his blessing. Thighs (Who was wearing some type of Mormon undergarments as an outfit) was opposed to bringing John along for the ride, since she clearly finds him irritating and didn’t want to be responsible for his antics. Patrick pushed her a bit, claiming he’d like John to come to the party, because the booze wasn’t going to drink itself. Eventually Thais gave in, for no other reason but to add interest for our sake. Thank you, Thighmaster.

 

 

Ashley & Manuel:

Well it looks like Ashley and Manuel flew after all to New York City (Or Newark… Or New Mexico. All the same to Manuel…). Though Manuel claimed to be excited for his big city experience, he still maintained the same bored and unimpressed face as per usual. Ashley suggested he may be “hangry”, like permanently, as the two headed to their Queens motel. 

Instead of slapping on her lashes and getting a move on so they could get lunch, Ashley had to stop to read her tarot cards to better understand her husband’s gripes, instead of just having a conversation and feeding him a Pringle to help his blood sugar. 

Once Ashley had finished her hair, makeup and aligned her chakras, the two were finally ready to meet Manuel’s friend Johnathan for dinner. Manuel actually looked happy for a change as he saw the streets of Queens filled with Ecuadorian restaurants and signs in Espanol (Kenny would be lost). They met up with Jonathan at an Ecuadorian restaurant where Ashley got right into questioning mode. She asked if Manuel has been in touch with his ex/babymama/wife, which of course Johnathan (like any good friend) denied. He did however confirm this mystery woman had contacted him after the couples’ wedding to get the inside scoop on his new life in Nueva York. Ashley was still wondering who Manuel could be on the phone with constantly, though he assured her that he was simply chatting with his slew of friends to make up for a lack of social lie in his new home (And who couldn’t believe that, with his cheery disposition and unmatched wit???!? The only thing that could make him even more interesting is if he had ACL surgery, which seems to be a trend this season.)

 

Nicole & Sooo Maaaach(Bad)Mood:

Nicole went solo to meet up with her LA friends, since Maaachmood was back in the apartment, pouting. She let them know that on this particular day, Machmood wanted a divorce over her dress’s keyhole back closure, revealing approximately 6 collective inches of her mannequin skin.She told her friends how brave she was, standing up to her 97 pound stick figure of sunshine. Nicole felt that since Machmood had made the move to the US and promised to try and cool it with the bossy Egyptian man schtick, he should be practically a feminist after 48 hours. The friends Nicole tried to encourage her to give her brooding beau some time, as he had a lot of adjustments to make. They then proposed that they ambush him back at the apartment, hoping the impromptu house party would break him out of his shell. 

As Nicole and her entourage arrived, they found a sulking Machmood laying in bed, amongst all 400 unnecessary throw pillows. He emerged from his hole and attempted to be cordial, though felt very uncomfortable when Nicole’s tattooed female friend went in for a hug. Just to continue the theme of “haram”, Nicole’s male friend, Julian, asked for tequila, which she readily had on hand in the freezer (And apparently nothing else. No wonder why this man is so hangry all the time…he’s having what I call a “Manuel moment”). Machmood tried to chalk up his lack of enthusiasm for the soiree to being jet lagged, but Nicole decided to put him on front street. She announced that he was lying, airing out their true cause of conflict. The forwardness was too maaaach or him to take, as he politely excused himself and packed up to leave for the umpteenth time…. In 48 hours. 

Hopefully one of her friends can play Captain Obvious and point out that this is just not going to work. 

 

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

 

Back at the worst pool party everrrr…

Rob took Sophie aside to confront her about the fact that she neglected to mention she had dated her “hot guy” friend Callum in the past. Sophie maintained that the two had an innocent fling when they were15 years old, and she doesn’t even consider him to be an “ex”. Rob began to freak out, using this situation to turn the tables on Sophie and take the heat off of his “online cheating” scandals. He fought back and forth with Sophie, claiming she should have mentioned this information prior, especially before Callum came for a visit. All of Sophie’s friends were looking on as the couple bickered, with Callum finally coming over to make sure she was alright. Rob seemed to simmer down for a bit, but soon decided to make a bigger statement by pouting and leaving the awful pool party for good (which might actually have made the party’s status go up).

Later on (In her most clothed look yet), Sophie met up with Rob on the side of a bride in Austin in hopes to see the local bats which emerge nightly. Sophie slunk over to Rob, apologizing for keeping her pre-teen dating life from him, and claiming to have cut off her friendship with Callum in the meantime. She was hoping this would really prove to Rob that she was willing to “prioritize” him, and wanted to work on their marriage for some reason. 

While Rob seemed temporarily relieved, he was more upset about not seeing the bats… who didn’t seem to come out that night because Rob was on the bridge (I slipped them a $20)