The Other Way; Season 5 Tell All Part 3:

After Holly went Awol last week, Kenny volunteered to go check on her (Don’t be surprised if she starts calling him “Daddy” too). He found her trail of hair piled up in the corner and tried his best to let her know that Wayne needs to be more supportive towards her many erratic emotions. Holly appreciated the pep talk and intoxicating personal fragrance Kenny provided, as she called Wayne on Facetime in a puddle of tears. She ultimately agreed to go back to South Africa where she and Wayne could try harder to work on their problems, separately as well as jointly, and will hopefully shed their loads.

Back on set, Holly updated the others about her sudden burst of progress, as the attention moved over to Shekinah. Shaun brought on Shekinah’s friend Dan, as the two debated over whether or not they had ever dated. Dan felt he was a better match for Shekinah than her current beefcake, as he was willing to accept her in “AS IS” condition, instead of Sarper’s approach of turning her into his perfect woman. All of the past female castmates were appalled, while Shekinah claimed that she liked to “serve” her man, and didn’t mind being bossed around. They then moved on to the topic of Sarper’s claim to have slept with 2,500 women, 2 of which he racked up on the same day that he had met Shekinah for the first time. Shaun brought out her Texas Instruments calculator and turned it into a word problem:

“If Sarper is 47 years old, and he slept with 2,500 women since he was 18, having never been in a relationship, swimming upstream at 60mph with 52 of these women in a rowboat, how many STDs could he have contracted??” (Must be that “New math” everyone’s been talking about…)

Shekinah rolled her eyes over the body count and admitted she was more bothered by Sarpie’s “bottle collection” in his apartment, each with a memory attached to some female conquest. Though it really made her large lips quiver, she calmly wished he’d throw them in the recycling bin, noting they were a thing of his past and their love was still perfect. Sarper then admitted he had a confession, pulling out a leather bound binder. He opened it to reveal some kind of tallying system over the course of several years, with an “X” denoting each woman he had slept with. He even conveniently color-coded each entry with his own unique system, ranking their level of attractiveness. This seemed to finally be the one thing that really disgusted Shekinah, as she was annoyed and grossed out by her dreamboy’s high body count being optioned into a Milton Bradley game of sorts. And after all of that….Sarper still maintained- when asked, that he would like to have a baby. Shekinah shot down that idea, as she was completely uninterested, though she agreed to adopt plenty of baby animals together, and saw their future as “very special”. 

Shaun finally turned towards Brandan and Mary who told the harrowing tale of bringing their daughter “Midnight” into the world. Mary had to have a c section because her umbilical cord had been wrapped three times around the baby’s neck. Luckily everything worked out, and the party of 3 seemed to be somewhat happy. Brandan did, however, confess that he is still engrossed in his video games, spending countless hours getting lost while Mary does everything. He also admitted to calling Mary names when he’s mad, like a scammer, or a b*tch. Mother Brandan (Angela…but not the Angela I was hoping would be in attendance) was brought out to try and rationalize how her son could possibly act like this towards his wife. Mama Angela (and recent Meemaw) felt that Mary did ask him for money in the beginning, threatening to block and stop talking to him if he wouldn’t or wasn’t able to send it. They have since been asking Mama Angela for money, as I’m guessing the potato chip shop and cell phone delivery service weren’t as lucrative as they had hoped.
Angela’s eyes were wild as she channeled her inner Dr.Phil, trying to make the couple each see their own weaknesses and begged them to get individual as well as couples’ therapy. Mary refused to go, feeling like it was shameful in her culture (Both Sarper and I felt like this was just a cop out, since you can pretty much schedule online therapy any time. Only the geckos and spiders would know). Papa Kenny tried to encourage Angela not to offer up too much advice, as it could result in her kids resenting her (Father Kenny Knows Best), while Tim felt the couple were in no way ready to become parents. Shaun played a montage of Mary’s craziest moments from the season, really showcasing the depths of her jealousy. Everyone acknowledged that Mary was off the rails throughout the earlier stages of the relationship, but Mama Angela did admit that she had come a long way, having now had a chance to have gotten to know her better and see where she comes from. She hoped Brandan and Mary would consider possibly moving to the US, where she offered up her help and support. 
Tim and Shekinah brought up the topic of Mary’s double standards, as Brandan was not allowed to have social media, while Mary was busy twerking online in skimpy outfits, which was played on the big screen as they chatted. 

Sarper weighed in, branding Mary a Manipulator, because it takes one to know one. This evoked a big response from the Moldy man himself, Undrrrrrei, who went in on Sarper, feeling that he had no room to talk. Different cast members chimed in, almost as if they were in a contest to see who was in the most toxic relationship themselves, as Shaun struggled to reign them all in.

During the break, Undrrrrei strutted his floral patterned shirt over to Shekinah to confront her “as a couple” for calling him toxic. She sat with her robotic composure, reassuring him of her perfect couple status and accusing him of trying to challenge her. The cast then went backstage, as Undrrrrei continued to confront Shekinah about his right to speak his “fots”, while everyone else rolled their eyes, knowing he was the worrrrrst.
Daniele accused Shekinah of being unable to take responsibility for her own relationship struggles, only managing to look down at others from her overly contoured nose. Feeling ganged up on, Shekinah took off, before they all had to head back to set.

After all of the infighting, Shaun turned towards Daniele and Yohan, claiming she had one of the big guy’s 50 female prospects on the line. The young American woman’s name was Memori (which no one is ever forgetting), and she said Yohan had slid into her messages, telling her to come visit him while she was in the D.R., as he was single and newly divorced. Yo-ho claimed not to remember such a Memori, but it was suspected that this was due to the fact that he had too many “Memories”, causing a Memori-lapse. He flatly denied cheating on Daniele but expressed that he should have, all while telling Daniele she should visit with “El diablo” (Which is the devil, Kenny, and right about now Yohan is looking like his stunt double). He remained dead-eyed, hurling hurtful comments at Daniele every chance he got, while she cried and still seemed surprised by his antics. Everyone felt Yohan was a “sanky panky”, though the big guy could care less.
They ended the three-part Tell All on that note, with an exhausted cast exiting the stage, ready for their after-story roundup.

Brandan concluded by saying that Mary has slightly improved but she remains a controlling lunatic. Mary was the most annoyed by Shekinah, who waltzed out of the studio with a “Mean Girls’ ‘ attitude, as she headed back to her Uber, ready to travel back to her Boar’s-head TurkeyMan.

Holly had a bit of disjointed advice for Daniele, who cried into her wrap-around ponytail, proclaiming she was Mother Debbie Done with Yo-Hoe. Holly then changed into more comfortable footwear and PANTS for the very first time, as she claimed to want to go back to Africa and see if she could unclog her marital problems with Wayne the Drain.

TheManFormerlyKnownAsJewel-eyo said something about his stupid ex-union, but no one was listening. 

Kenny bragged about his perfect relationship almost to a Shekinah/Sarper level, but in a much less contoured, braggish way that was more approachable. He was far more focused on his upcoming Kenbryos being implanted than what any of these people thought of him and Armando’s relationship.

Kimbally, who was only brought up in part one of the Tell All, admitted she didn’t know what the fate of her marriage would be (Which is hard to imagine for someone who has so many “Clairs”). She also harped on the Jenny name calling situation, which was actually elder abuse, and I will not forget it unless she has 6 or more diarrheas (As per Mother Smitt’s guidelines).

THIS CONCLUDES THE OTHER WAY SEASON 5 TELL ALL!

I wish all of these couples nothing as we move forward into an inevitable next season with half of them. Thank you for listening to me and Undrrrrrei’s “fots”.