Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 7

Jasmania & Gee-Know:

This week’s installment began with the couple in an open field, taking a walk with little Coco in his doggie stroller. At the first opening, Coco leapt from his embarrassing mode of transportation, attempting to make a break for it. Unfortunately his little white fuzzy legs were no match for Gino’s, as he was retrieved and once again captured, forced to endure more of his adopted parent’s nonsense. 

Jasmine was unusually calm as she went over her recent family drama with Gino. Unfortunately her mother was diagnosed with cancer, but it was luckily caught at an early stage and she would be undergoing treatment. Jasmine felt helpless being so far away and wanted nothing more than to consult about the situation with her good friend Leandro, who had recently moved to Miami. Gino suggested that the two take a little trip to lighten the mood, and spend more money that they won’t be using on an immigration lawyer for the kids (Because he’s secretly Mother Asuelu, and doesn’t care about the kids). 

Next thing ya know, the two were at the airport, boarding their flight to Miami. Jasmine was super excited to see Leandro, who she explained was always her partner in crime. She mentioned one of the “good ole days” where Leandro even acted as a lookout while she had sex with her ex boyfriend in a public place … .ah, memories! Jasmine and Gino both discussed some of their additional fantasies, if only to make their Uber driver throw up on the side of the road. They arrived at Leandro’s pad where he was waiting with birthday cupcakes for his dear old friend Jazzy J. She wished upon her candles for her kids to be able to come to the US (Though I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to tell anyone your birthday wish for it won’t come true. Maybe that’s not the case in Panama…). 

Here’s to hoping Leandro doesn’t have to be their sex lookout for this trip!

Nicole & Soo MaaaachMood:

Nicole and her gaggle of girlfriends sat on her bed, huddled around her cell phone as she attempted to locate her wandering Egyptian. Nicole’s friend Julian drunkenly chased “Mack-mood” through the streets of Los Angeles, trying to get him to calm down and return to Nicole’s place (aka Mannequin Manor). Ultimately it was production that stepped in to help Mr. Mood get an Uber to go to a hotel, which he had booked while angrily pacing using Nicole’s credit card. 

The following morning, Maaachmood walked like an Egyptian all the way to a cafe where he sat down to call Nicole. The two spoke, flatly, each insinuating that their fighting was the other one’s fault. Nicole was annoyed that Machmood had used her credit card to book his temporary residence, though he felt justified in doing so. It was then that they finally both agreed on something for the first time ever; They needed to get a divorce. Machmood wanted to come back to the apartment to retrieve his belongings, but Nicole told him she would be available “in  a few hours” (That orange wig doesn’t style itself…)

When he arrived at Mannequin Manor, Nicole was wearing her Parisian look for her new role as a “divorcee” (Make sure you read that with a French accent). Though the two claimed to be done, she wanted him to stay at the apartment, since he was in unfamiliar surroundings and using her credit card. Nicole tried talking to BadMood like she was attempting to smooth things over, business as usual. MachmoodyBlues refused to change his attitude, and returned her credit card before going straight to his suitcase. He left the apartment where he presumably said “I go Egypt” or “Egypt is the best” or “All the cops in the donut shop say AaaaaOooooAaaaOOOOoo OOOooAaooaaooooooo” (Walk like an Egyptian).

Emily & Kobe:

Back at Club Cameroon…
Emily was thtill tho thtinkin’ mad from last week, when Kobe’s friends were being rude. Kobe felt stuck amidst the culture of his homeland and the culture of Angela (I’m an American!), as he asked Emily nicely to return to the bar and make peace with his friends.

Upon their return, Valery (The boy..) continued digging into Emily, maintaining that she needed to learn how to be quiet like a good African wife. Emily poured herself more to drink, as the Friends Kobe continued to accuse her of bossy behavior. Kobe finally stood up for her, telling his friends that they are only welcome to attend the couple’s surprise wedding if they can accept Emily’s big mouth and their relationship.

(I’m sure Mother Emily will be glad they’re not coming…. She didn’t want to plan this anyway).

Ashley & Manuel:

Ashley and Manuel headed towards Newark (Which is not in New York) to hang out with his familia for the first time.Through all of the hours of traffic, Ashley yapped on and on about witchcraft….witches… and the need to tell everyone that she is one, whether Manuel approved or not. He continued to try and coach her on how to act in order to earn the Family Manuel stamp of approval, which I’m sure was quite expressive if based off of his usual reactions.

They arrived at yet another Ecuadorian restaurant where they met up with Manuel’s uncle Leopaldo (Who was really the love child of Manuel and The Hamburgler, wearing a mustache from a spy kit. I realize that was very specific…). Ashley mentioned that she had been looking forward to the visit, as she wanted to meet somebody-ANYBODY from the Family Manuel. Uncle Leopaldo explained that Ashley is now his family, citing the bible for his reasoning, and immediately getting into his religious convictions… through his villainous mustache. A theological discussion inevitably ensued amongst the background of photos of Ecuadorian food on the walls that I’m sure looked better than what was on their plates. Ultimately Uncle Leopaldo was accepting of Ashley, who respectfully refrained from using the word “Bruja”.

Since she managed to hide her witchcraft for 45 minutes, it was time for Ashley to visit with her fellow member of the Craft, her friend Erin. The couple met Erin at a sultry NYC bar, and Manuel made sure to use his travel hair gel to get that extra greasy effect. Erin’s area of expertise is communicating with both aliens and angels, which she does so using her “light language”. She used her abilities to give Ashley and Manuel a bar-side E.T. experience, which involved her speaking some Game of Thrones language that Manuel could not understand (Which isn’t saying much…he can barely say “chicken and rice” in English). The aliens told Erin that Ashley and Manuel have communication issues, and instructed that they open up to each other to better their soul relationship (I guess the aliens also watch 90 Day Fiance). Manuel felt that their communication issues are due to Ashley’s lac of trust as she’s constantly trying to figure out who he’s always texting and why he never wants to tell her anything. I’m just saying if either witch turned him into a toad, there would be no difference. Well, maybe he’d be less slimy…

Patrick & Thighs:

Back at the Brazilian apartment, Thigh was still surprised by Father Patrick’s late night visit. He brought with him a can of paint, announcing that he expected Patrick to freshen up the place, all before acknowledging his new baby granddaughter he had yet to meet (I agree, painting is more thrilling).

He eventually made his way over to the tiny version of Patrick’s tiny head, playing with the baby for a minute before reminding Patrick of his long “Patrick-do” list of chores he had made. Thighs felt that his father was taking advantage of his generosity, as he was always willing to help financially as well as whatever he needed him to do with his one good leg (Because this season’s theme is “Knee Surgery”)

After PapaPat left, Thighs let her husband know that she didn’t appreciate dear old dad immediately asking that he paint the apartment upon his arrival. Patrick felt honored that his dad requested his handiwork, and hoped it would help the bond after not seeing each other for 2 years. 

Hopefully next week we’ll get to watch the paint actually dry until Brother John arrives.

Big Ed & Liz:

Ed hitched a ride over to a local watering hole to meet face to face with Liz and discuss life, post taco-pasta-gate. He explained to the cameras that the fight made him realize the toxic relationship was doomed, and that he deserved to be happy at his age, since his life (like a lot of other things about him) is short.

As he waited, Liz called, questioning the venue of their big “talk”, as she felt like it wasn’t a “healthy” place for a break up (She preferred an Ihop or ChuckECheese, so she could bring Ryleigh). Ed felt that Liz was making excuses to avoid having the conversation, and began telling her his breakup reasons over the phone. Liz promptly hung up on the Mucinex Man, who stared off into the distance, probably trying to figure out if he could try and break up with her next at a Metallica Concert. Or perhaps an art museum would be a nice venue. A library would keep the tone down, but ultimately I think it should be at a church.

Loren & Alexei:

It was time for one more trip to the surgeon’s office before the big “Mommy Makeover” day, and Loren was filled with mixed emotions. They sat in the doctor’s office, discussing all of the details including some new fun facts about Loren’s recovery, like how Alexei would have to change her drains for the first week or so. Though this grossed him out, he agreed to support her since she was set on having her baby pouch removed.

End scene. And we continue to watch Patrick’s apartment paint dry…