The OTHER Way; Season 5 Episode 9:

Shekinah & Sarper:

Before Shekinah moved off to Turkey to be with her plastic-man, she decided to meet with her much older ex-beau/ baby daddy, Berto. Shekinah and Berto share a 15 year old daughter Sophia, who is currently away at boarding school (which makes me think she’s hanging out with Harry Potter or something). Shekinah just decided to spring the news of her move on Berto 5 minutes before her departure, making him question if she’s making the right decision, especially concerning their daughter…. Who they already sent away to boarding school. Apparently Berto hasn’t been the most present parent either, as he was off building Hotel Berto: Costa Rica for most of Sophia’s life. Though the two had differing views on the relationship, Berto seemed supportive of her, wanting what was best. 

Meanwhile, all the way in (Boar’s Head Ovengold) Turkey, we finally got to meet Sarper, who was busy strutting his stuff in a high fashion photoshoot. The tattooed Turkish Ken doll explained his love for showcasing his chiseled body, especially during his former 7 year career as an exotic dancer for Chippendales, Turkey. Though he loved the spotlight, thongs, and lady-attention, the Parent’s Sarper were greatly disappointed with his chosen profession, which eventually led him to quit. He moved on to body building where he excelled and soon became a personal trainer. We got to see him meet up at the gym with his friend Mete, to discuss his current relationship status.
Sarper talked about meeting Shekinah on a matchmaking website and being intrigued by her equally as plastic face. The two really hit it off, feeling like they connected on a deeper level, and truly understood each other. Though Sarper had been with 2 women on the same day that Sheiknah originally arrived in Turkey, he mustered up the strength to fit her in his busy bedroom schedule, only to learn they had equally as perfect chemistry as they did teeth and skin. Sarper claims to have been with 2,500 women, give or take (and hopefully not in the same day), but feels he is finally ready to put that all aside and settle down (and hopefully get checked for STDs and not be brought on Turkish “Maury”). Sarper’s friend Mete questioned his ability to give up his loverboy lifestyle and commit to just one woman, despite her flawless face. He felt monogamy would be a constant challenge, but was willing to give it a try for Shekinah Shekinah, who’s hips don’t lie.

Looks like next week, we get to meet Shekinah’s daughter (who’s currently on Spring Break from Hogwart’s) and hopefully hear her take on the situation. 

TJ & Baby Girl Kimbally2:

TJ was taking Kimbally for a driving lesson on the opposite side of the road (She must have been attacked by a rogue cow, her pants were ripped to shreds). Unfortunately Kimbally wasn’t CARvoiyant, as she would have known that she sucked at driving in India, even managing to hit an unsuspecting rickshaw along the way (And didn’t even leave a note… or a mental note). 

Despite the disastrous driving, the two managed to arrive at their upcoming wedding venue where they were supposed to tie the knot in about a week. The venue decorator was on the scene, working hard to put together all of the right shades of pink to match Kimbally’s picky specifications (which is good, because no one wants to hear her screech again). Kim explained that she would have much rather had a wedding in the woods, with candles and ballet pink accents, but was somehow thrust full throttle into “My Big Fat Colorful Indian Wedding”, having little control of the outcome. 

Back at the horrible apartment with the worst lip on the countertop and toilet/shower….
Kimbally was shuffling around a deck of  the old tarot cards, when she took a break to sit down with TJ’s family. Immediately Mother TJ (a disciple of Mother Sumitch) was disappointed at Kimbally’s cow-torn jeans, feeling that they were indecent and inappropriate to wear in front of her husband. She was told by Brother Yash about the fight, and that Kimbally didn’t care about them or want to cohabitate. This sent TJ into a fit, as he screamed at his brother, trying to explain that Kimbally was merely trying to adjust to their culture. He yelled back and forth with his mom and brother while Kimbally sat there confused, with cold knees. As the fighting continued all around her, Kimbally decided to leave the room and sit on the staircase, refusing to subject herself to a toxic environment… that she had a part in helping create. Mother TJ saw Kimbally as being rude and disrespectful, questioning if they should all go through with the wedding plans. 
Previews for next week show Kimbally fleeing the scene, and hopefully finding refuge in a hotel with a toilet outside of the shower, that actually flushes. 

Jewel-iyo & Kirsten:

Jeweliyo has basically made up his mind that he’s not moving to the Neitherworld, using everything he can think of as an excuse. He video chatted with Kirtsten, blaming his mom for the delay in the move, saying that she really needs him to stay and help out with his brothers. Or the dog ate his homework. Or something.
Kirsten told Jewels she was unable to last another year in the long distance relationship holding pattern, and that they could have avoided all of this delay and confusion if he would have been honest with his mother months before. He seemed indifferent, telling her coldly that they should just end things, gaslighting her into thinking it was her idea to break up. Kirsten turned into a sad-Barbie, which had little effect on Julio, as he asked if they could just end the call. Seeing the way he was so cold and callous made her question if he was ever serious about spending their lives together eating stroopwafels and wearing wooden shoes. At the end of the conversation, it appears that they had both agreed to end things (and I’m guessing by his demeanor that Julio has someone else he’s eating dollar slices with….)

Mary & Brandan:

This week was yet another walk down memory lane, as Mary took Brandan to her old house which had been ravaged by a typhoon. Mary’s brother was in the process of rebuilding the old house, and doing an okay-ish job, by the looks of things. Brandan sat down with Mary to explain their current financial situation now that he was in the ‘Peens (Is that an appropriate nickname for The Philippines? Because it’s horrible). Since he had been working hard and sending Mary all of his paychecks to build a new house, Brandan had little money left in the bank. Being that he was new in town, he wasn’t allowed to work any time soon and had a mere $300 left to his name. He proposed asking Mary’s Grandpa LoLo for a loloan to keep them afloat (sensitive term after the typhoon) until he could find work. Mary cued the waterworks (which were probably what destroyed the house, and not an actual typhoon), as she gave Brandan a whole story about not wanting to stress Lolo out. She explained that he was old and had sacrificed enough just to raise her (As she seemed like she was going to start hyperventilating yet again… cue the inhaler). She tried telling Brandan he didn’t understand the struggles her family had gone through because he’s American, and didn’t have to worry about pooping in a river. Though Brandan had a rather down and out childhood, he tried to see her point of view, and agreed not to burden Lolo, so Mary would continue breathing. 

Mary offered to help support them by making necklaces for sale (though if Brandan looked at a woman wearing one of Mary’s creations, it would also cause her to stop breathing).