MAFS; Season 12, EP 4

Clara & Ryan:

Back at the hotel, it’s a wonder that Ryan was still awake after Clara clearly wore him out during the wedding reception. He seems to be a great sport with the patience of a saint. Clara continued talking a million miles an hour about everything and anything, spinning in circles, looking for something in her suitcase. She admitted that she was very physically attracted to her new husband, so much so that she was willing to put it all out there on the first night, though that didn’t seem to happen. Ryan didn’t even get a break when they went to bed, as Clara continued to talk and even walk in her sleep (Perhaps someone needs to remove her batteries… )
She seemed to wake up the next morning with the same amount of energy and intensity as they sat down to have breakfast. Ryan contemplated divorcing Clara then and there, after she confessed to hating “Breaking Bad” (I would have made sure to tell the experts that was a deal breaker personally…). She also revealed that she’s not too keen on church either, which may be an issue for Ryan’s deeply religious parents. 

After breakfast it was Clara’s turn to sit down with Ryan’s family for a meet and greet, learning that her new husband is basically perfect (ok…we saw that when he walked away in those shorts in the hotel room…). Ryan’s parents also infused the conversation with a lot of talk about “God’s will”, which seemed to make Clara squirm slightly, but all in all things seemed to have gone well.
Ryan met separately with Clara’s parents, of course making a great impression. Her parents gave him some insight that Clara may not have the best conflict resolution skills, as they were big on keeping their issues private while she was growing up, sweeping things under the rug. 
When the couple came back together, they talked about what they thought their issues might be and…blah blah blah, let’s see Ryan in the shorts. Much more interesting. I’ll even overlook the Peaky Blinders haircut… (I bet Clara hates that show too…)

Virginia & Erik:

Back in the hotel room that night, Virginia scrubbed off the remnants of a once great society of  purple eyeshadow from her face as she let her disheveled hair down for a nightcap with Erik. The two seemed to be warming up to each other right away, making out as they cuddled with Virignia sweating the alcohol out of her pores. Looks like things were off to a great start (…..unless she pukes the bed).
The next morning Erik and Virginia sat down for a little breakfast where Erik dropped the bomb that he was previously married. He explained that the marriage was of convenience during his time in the military, and he never had a formal wedding ceremony, rings, etc. Virginia seemed to be okay with the news, though she may have just been hung over.

Next we saw Erik sit down with Virginia’s parents to get to know each other, deciding to lead with the whole “I used to be married” thing. Virginia’s dad seemed to appreciate Erik’s honesty and accepted him, hoping he will take care of his daughter. Her dad also wanted to make sure Erik understood that Virginia is still in the party phase of her 26 year old life, and that he needs to realize he may be holding her hair back from time to time while his new bride prays to the porcelain Gods.
Meanwhile, Virginia sat down with Erik’s mother, who seemed to be a tough cookie. She explained to Virginia that being the wife of a pilot can be challenging, as it’s not just all free flights and mini liquor bottles like she may be thinking.  Erik’s mother also let it be known that she’s ready for more grandkids, which seemed to have caught Virginia off guard. Virginia expressed that she has always been on the fence about “reproducing” herself (a la Chris), and if she did want kids, it wouldn’t be any time soon. 
Erik and Virginia sat back down together after their in law conferences to talk about their new findings. Virginia explained that she’s willing to compromise on some things and tame some of her wild ways, but she seems fairly committed to keeping the wine flowing. Erik let Virginia know that much like his mother, he is also ready to have kids (which if nothing else, a great way to get her to stop drinking!)

Later that night the couples found out that they were heading off to their honeymoon in Vegas! Of course Virginia was psyched, probably already picturing herself walking around with one of those giant plastic boots filled with a frosty beverage, tagging her photos #vegasbaby! They spent the next day packing up the hotel room to head off for the honeymoon, with Virginia making sure to grab the unopened bottle of champagne for the road, as not to let it go to waste. Once they reached their final destination- the honeymoon suite, the couple explored their new home for the next week while Virginia was ready to pop bottles and get, what the kids like to call, “lit”. Erik seemed obviously annoyed by her immature ways, but things were still new and exciting, so he decided to just roll with it. We’ll see how long he’s able to keep up.

Briana & Vincent:

After the wedding, Brianna and Vincent were getting better acquainted as he helped her undo all 55 buttons on her dress to get ready for bed. They seemed to both be mutually attracted to each other, and things were off to a good start.The following morning, the newlyweds woke up together excited to get the day going with some breakfast before the big meeting with the family in laws. 
Briana met with Vincent’s Aunt and cousin  and described a bit of what she is looking for in another person as well her intentions. His family admitted to her that Vincent is a workaholic who tends to have a bad temper when he gets mad. 
Briana’s family seemed to take a liking to Vincent, while still making it known that they are watching him, as they are overprotected of their bossy baby of the family.
Upon arriving in fabulous Las Vegas, Vincent found out the horrible news that his grandmother has had a heart attack. Briana did her best to comfort and be there for him, even though the couple still don’t know each other well. Vincent feels terrible for possibly having to fly home to be with his family during his difficult time, though Briana was supportive and understanding. Despite the hardship, the couple seems to be doing well and there is literally nothing else to be said about them. 

Chris & Paige:

Deep Breaths…
Back at the hotel room, the newly wed Mr. and Mrs. Chris discovered a complimentary dish full of condoms, that were clearly only there for decoration. Chris tossed them into the air, as he explained to the cameras aside that he was still getting used to his wife who he didn’t feel instantly attracted to. Paige, on the other hand, described her new husband as “beautiful” and “well groomed” (much like a Schnauzer). Besides the aptitude of his barber, Paige also enjoys the fact that Chris is a God fearing man (though he seems to take some of the commandments as a rough outline rather than rules to live by). She helped Chris get undressed for the night, though his buttons had popped open from what Chris had claimed to be his “big chest”. 

The next morning, a lone Paige explained her confusion about her missing groom. It seems that she and Chris shared an intimate wedding night as well as again the next morning. Paige, like most people, thought this was a sign that things were going well. After telling Paige he was going downstairs to get “room service menus”, Chris disappeared for a few hours, leaving his new bride upset and confused (P.S…. this was filmed during the time of Covid, and most places don’t even use menus right now, making everything available online, so as Maury might say: THAT was a lie). Paige had written Chris off as having gotten attacked by a bear during this time, but to her surprise, he resurfaced, looking distraught. Chris sat down, hands in head, and explained that on his way to the buffet he had a panic attack which was mostly due to the fact that he’s not fully attracted to his wife. Paige was of course hurt and confused, as she calmly walked out the door, leaving Chris sitting on the couch casually scrolling through his phone. 

Despite the distressing morning with her new husband, Paige still went to meet up with Chris’s parents, as per the MAFS protocol. She eased into the conversation by talking about the wedding, but quickly brought up the fact that she and Chris were intimate twice before he admitted that she is not his type. His father seemed to be sympathetic and understanding to Paige, while also giving off creep vibes that he may be interested in her if things ended up going south with his son. Chris’ mother seemed to justify her son’s actions, questioning if maybe he just slept with his new wife because he was under the influence. His family suggested that Paige “ride it out” (which may have been the advice she had given herself twice; the night before and the next morning).
Instead of keeping to the show’s format, Chris met up with his own parents instead of his in-laws to discuss the current situation. He explained that he felt as though he and Paige matched well on paper, but not in the attraction department. His parents, having had the inside info from Paige, questioned why he would sleep with his new bride twice, given the lack of attraction.  
Chris claimed that he felt that taking Paige for a test ride would possibly help them to find a “connection”. Luckily for him, his parents seemed to think this was an acceptable answer.
Chris ran back to his marital hotel room, giving quite the performance with fake crying and everything, as he scolded Paige for discussing their sexual encounters with his parents. He tried to put the blame on Paige, saying that she did not have the right to discuss their private life to her friends and his family….. Even though they are on national television.  Paige took a break for a few hours to get her hair done (which looked MUCH better, in my professional hair opinion), but returned to the hotel to deal with Chris, yet again. He gave a lackluster apology for “coming off like an asshole” before proceeding to roll out his positive attributes that Paige may not yet be aware of, using such adjectives as “smooth, cool, and dope”. Paige agreed to move forward and it looked like they were able to enjoy each other’s company, at least in the last scene of the episode.

Jake & Haley:

Once back at the hotel, Haley seemed even less enthused as she realized it was her first night alone with her new steak and egg loving stranger. Haley claims to have been single for the last 7 years (which means her last relationship was in jr. high….. ) Jake claims to be thirty eight years old, though he definitely looks like there were 10 or more birthday candles unaccounted for on his steak and egg flavored birthday cake. Their awkward wedding conversations led Jake to believe that things were off to a great start, as he proclaimed with his flowy chest hair in full effect that he planned to let things “naturally progress”. He stared from his pillow at Haley suggestively, overlooking the fact that she has a very petite nose, ready to move in for the al naturale bedtime kiss.
The next morning brought even more thrilling talk about Jake’s IBS and elimination diet (good thing Haley doesn’t like breakfast! All of this talk about figuring out his stomach issues is so appetizing…)
Hailey met up with Jake’s parents who were equally as exciting as their egg loving son. His parents discussed that Jake is a bit anti social and has always been kind of a crotchety old man. 
Jake dazzled Hailey’s family with photos and very detailed explanations of his home renovations (which of course include his home gym, sauna and beach…his favorite talking points).
Jake and Haley reconvened over a bottle of booze that they stole out of Virginia’s purse, discussing what they had learned from the parental meet up. Jake told Haley he was jazzed to hear about her steak searing skills, since he likes to eat steak, due to his diet. Did I mention that before? I digress…

The couple was super excited for their honeymoon, where they got to reenact  “Vegas Vacation” (ok a 90’s movie, not 80’s, but I’m sure Jake still loves it). Jake is ready to bust out his fanny pack with the speakers that play nothing but Neil Diamond (who’s name and music I’m sure Haley is very familiar with…) and multiple embarrassing outfits. Hopefully there will be an all you can eat steak buffet that plays 80’s music!