Happily Ever After, EP 12

Angela & Michael:

Since this week the wedding seems to be getting the green light, Michael took Angela to the florist to pick out flowers for the big day. Angela started to get choked up, realizing that her family won’t be there for this momentous occasion, and wishing she could’ve just toted all of the grids in her camisole over to Nigeria with her. She wanted to incorporate them into the ceremony somehow, so she decided to have flowers in the colors of all of their birthstones added to her bridal bouquet. She was really emotional while talking about her family, and probably regrets not toting a box of kleenex (She did however have a keychain hanging off of her spaghetti strap this week. They really need to go to the store where Michael got his LV steering wheel cover and grab Ang a matching purse). 
It was finally time for Angela and Michael to head over to the airport to pick up her friend JoJo (aka “Sissy”). JoJo seemed to be enjoying the Nigerian airport already, as she received a warm greeting from the finances and they all headed back to the apartment. Angela was so touched that Jojo flew all the way from Georgia to be her maid of honor, and was looking forward to having her get to know Michael in person, since no one else in her life has been able to.

Next up we see Angela all dolled up for a night out at the joint Bachelor/ Bachelorette party in her adorable Barbie pink top (Sidenote; They should actually make a Meemaw Barbie. Instead of the accessories being strapped to the back of the box, they’re wired into her bra. Marlbroros, a wallet, and fuzzy handcuffs for Michael). The party took place at “Rumors”, a risque nightclub. Instead of freaking out at the first sight of scantily clad gyrating women, Angela tried to roll with the punches, throwing back drinks and dirty dancing with Michael. She and Jojo brought some classic silver glitter penis headbands to adorn Michael and his friend (who looked like he was really liking the penis headband and considering making it a staple in his wardrobe). It seemed like everyone was having a great time…. Until Michael’s eyes veered 1” to the left of Angela’s head where a woman was jiggling her butt cheeks together. Angela grabbed Sissy and stormed out, claiming the wedding was off, yet again, while Michael trailed behind trying to apologize in his sparkly penis hat. At least Sissy will be able to claim the frequent flyer mileage….

Coltee & Jess & Debbie & New Roomie Vanessa & Half of the Internet:

Coltee and his new roomie Vanessa were wearing his & her flannels as they met up in the kitchen for a little roommate breakfast. Colt tells Vanessa that he’s excited to see Jess, though he has a lot of apologizing to do, and is hoping that they can move forward and be little “boobahs” once again. Vanessa is skeptical, claiming that Colt hasn’t said one nice thing about Jess (and you know Debbie didn’t give her a glowing recommendation either). Colt implies that he wants Vanessa to hit the bricks upon Jess’s arrival, as he knows his new living situation isn’t going to go over well and Jess will probably lose “cone-troll”.

Colt met up with Jess at a cat cafe, hoping that the presence of cats would soften the blows he’s about to deliver. Jess found a spotted cat that matched her dress, as she wasted no time laying into Colt-ee. Apparently 8 women had messaged her on social media with screenshots of messages from Colt including pictures of his “member”. Jess read off the screenshots aloud, which said, “How are you??”-(d*ck pic).  “Good morning”- (d*ck pic). (“And in case I don’t see ya, Good afternoon, Good Evening and Good Night” (d*ck pics x’s infinity)). Colt was caught red handed, and couldn’t even deny the fact that he’s been sending off pictures of his angry inch to any woman who crossed his path in cyberspace. He somehow glazed over this topic, and tried bringing up their relationship problems, claiming that he didn’t know where they stood or if they were even together at the time of said d*ck pics. 

Jess agreed to leave the cat cafe and go back to his house to discuss things further (which was a good move, it was really unfair to subject innocent cats to hearing about Coltee’s little photoshoots with his schmeckle. I think I saw a few cats hacking up their Fancy Feast in the corner……. ) The whole car ride back to the house, Coltee did his best to try and convince Jess  that this was mostly her fault. During his interview with production, Colt admitted to “sending inappropriate imagery to women online” (which was really impressive, as it sounded so much better than “Hi, My name is Colt, and I’m an internet flasher”). 

Once they arrived at the house, Debbie was waiting with a large platter of grapes (which I was slightly convinced were only for private snack time for Colt, and she feeds them to him seductively). Jess gave her a warm greeting, complimenting the slot machine as well as Debbie’s new hairdo, before she let loose on Colt once again. He cued Debbie to go to her room and get the ear muffs, and then finally gave Jess an apology, as well as confessing to being a bad boyfriend. And while it was confession time, he casually mentions, “by the way…. Vanesa moved into the spare bedroom”. I just hope Jess doesn’t inflict any harm on the slot machine next week when we see her reaction. It really ties the room together.

Larissa-ee:

Larissa, her friend Heather, and Eric-ee wearing a flesh toned t-shirt that makes him look topless, are taking a ride over to see a plastic surgeon for a boobie consultation. Heather works with injectables, so Larissa feels she is an expert on the subject of beautification and can help her achieve her femmebot goals. Larissa explains to Eric-ee how he should be very confident in his investment he’s about to make, like he’s at a Botched Tony Robbins seminar.  The three met up with the extra tall red headed doctor, who tried to steer Larissa away from going too big and too fake on the boobies. Larissa tried on a few sample implants to road test her new appendages and see what looked best. She wanted to make sure they were bigg-ee, but not as big as Colt-ee’s. Larissa’s nose job was also brought up during the consultation, with the plastic surgeon confirming her insecurities about her nose shape. The doctor discussed the risks of surgery, which made reality set in a bit more that this wasn’t just photoshopping, but an actual medical procedure. 

Later on in the episode, Larissa and Eric-ee went lingerie shopping for a little something to showcase her future boobs. Larissa explained that she wanted something special for her and Eric-ee’s first sexy time post surgery (hopefully something Dolly Parton-esque). Apparently the boobie and nose-ee aren’t the only things left to get nipped and tucked… Larissa plans on doing a little lipo, butt work, and a few other procedures, explaining that she wants to look like the store’s mannequin. Eric-ee seems slightly concerned with her desire to look like an entirely different person, claiming to think she looks great with the many augmentations she’s already had. Until next week…

Elizabeth & Undrrrei:

The Moldovan party bus rolled out to the countryside filled with both Elizabeth and Undrrrei’s families. They decided to take a break from fighting in the big city and go to make authentic Moldy wine. For the most part everyone pretty much behaved themselves on the bus ride there. Jen did try to rile up Undrrrrei once or twice, and Young Chuckie tried to question why Undrrei had to look for a foreign girl when the Moldy-O has some really pretty girls. Fortunately Undrrrei didn’t take the bait and things stayed pretty calm.
Once they reached the vineyard, Chuck, Baby Chuck and Jen were lined up for their camera interview looking like they were shooting a promo for a new “Law & Order; Special Moldova Unit”, as they told the cameras that they were going to lay low for the day, though they still believe Undrrei is hiding things about his past. At the vineyard/farm, there was an ADORABLE donkey, who I think should permanently replace Tania (I’m drafting the petition now). The family took turns squishing the grapes, barefoot in a barrel. Chuck went first as everyone vowed not to taste his Moldovan toe cheese and wine, while they all chanted “Squash them grapes! Squash them grapes!”. It seemed like a fun bonding experience, and Undrrei even joined Itty Bitty Chuck in the barrel, hugging each other as they muddled their toe grapes. 

Once the fun on the farm was over, the whole crew returned to the city and it was business as usual.The three secret agents of the Special Moldova Unit went to a scenic park (not as nice as the war museum, but a close second) where they met with Undrrrei’s friend Murcel to obtain some intel.  Murcel explained that Undrrei, like most Moldovan men, is more closed off and private when he first gets to know people. He tried hard to explain why he and Undrrrrei had to leave the Police force where they worked, and ultimately leave their country. Murcel claimed he left when he had met a woman named Anna and dreamed of moving to Nebraska to play with her bees…. (oh wait, wrong Murcel……). MOLd-o Murcel claimed that Undrrei was kind of pushed out by the higher ups in the corrupt police force, so he moved to Ireland. The special agents are not buying the shady explanation, and know they need to keep digging to continue this pointless storyline. Can we get to the disco dance floor wedding already or what?!

Kalani & Asuelu:

We see Kalani alone with the boys in a hotel room, after having had a big fight with Asuelu the night before. He ended up leaving the AirBNB and going to his mom and sister’s house (who probably charged him premium for a night’s stay), while Ka (lani and lini) headed to a hotel (maybe in fear of being alone with the bathroom ghost in the Airbnb?) 
Kalani called her mom on video chat to talk things out and give her an update on the situation. She explains that she is going to try to take Asuelu to therapy to improve their marriage, but if it doesn’t get better, she has to be done. Mama Kalani admits that she went through similar struggles early on in her marriage to Papa Low, as it’s often hard for two people from different backgrounds to adjust. Poor Kalani sitting alone, trying to get two toddlers to sleep while crying was a heartbreaking sight, for sure. 

Apparently all of this action took place the day before Valentine’s Day, and Asuelu showed up to the hotel with balloons and flowers to apologize. Kalani let him in, unsure of what exactly to do and probably just knowing she was going to need help with the boys on the plane ride home. The car ride to the airport was tense, as she explained that this trip was the worst, which left Asuelu confused. She also had to explain that they needed to go to therapy and then explained what the word therapy meant. There was a lot of explaining, period. Asuelu seemed somewhat oblivious to the depths of their issues, as he watched Kalani schlep both kids and their luggage single handedly into the airport…..

Pol & Kreeknee:

Back at the tiny house, Paul is away for the day so Kreenee arranges for an Uber to drive her and Pierre to see an immigration lawyer who happens to have an in house Portuguese translator- how convenient. She explains to the lawyer that she and Pol aren’t getting along and she wants to know her rights. The lawyer tells her that she is legally allowed to travel alone with baby Pierre (with or without his baby baguettes), though she should make sure to do so on good terms with Pol, as there may be consequences later. Kreeknee admits that she is not happy so far in the U.S., even though the coupons and BOGO deals are endless and would like to take Pierre back to Brazil. 

Later that day, Pol came home with a bag full of plantains, which usually cheer most people who hate their current living situation right up…..but alas, Kreeknee was unimpressed. After questioning Pol’s job status and being disappointed to hear he still hadn’t found one, she revealed that she took a trip to the immigration lawyer and found out that she has the right to take the baby back to Brazil alone. Of course this made Pol freak out, and he threatened to go after her (legally speaking) for his paternal rights. Karine cursed him out and started to cry, while Paul ran to her side, completely ignoring her blatant disgust for him. Baby Pierre should consider hopping on one of the German Shepherds and riding off into the sunset….

Noticeably missing were Tania & Synergy, who were probably off having another breakup talk at the South African Sizzler buffet. (It’s fine, take your time… we’re replacing you with the adorable donkey anyway).