Happily Ever After, EP 6

Coltee & Jess & Debbie:
Coltee and Jess sit down alone without their third wheel to have dinner together and discuss the Jess/Debbie meeting. Jess is initially annoyed with Coltee for only booking one hotel room (which of course was production’s fun idea), and is relieved that she and her fellow cat lover can now have the privacy they need to enjoy their mutual interest (I thought that was a less barfy way of saying they’re going to do it a lot… and here I am ruining it). Next we see Debbie eating her continental breakfast set to some sexy Brazilian music. Coltee joined his mother to discuss the trip so far and her thoughts about Jess. It’s a good thing the couple decided to get their own room, as Debbie is not actually deaf, and apparently… volume is a factor. (Sojaboy barf bucket please/ thanks). Colt tells his mother to be less rough around the edges (well, he said “stop being an asshole”, but I thought that sounded nicer), and explained that even though Debbie can be a jerk, she’s HIS jerk. Touching Mother/Son moment right there. Debbie then fed Coltee off of her fork, just to add another touch of weirdness, but at least she didn’t mama bird it into his mouth (they are on vacation, after all. They only do that at home).
Later on, Debbie joined Jess for a contrived conversation on the beach. Jess has a very “take it or leave it” attitude when it comes to Debbie’s approval of their relationship. Debbie continued to interrogate her and make it known that she is the true leading lady in Coltee’s life. Next week it looks like the throuple goes to meet Family Jess and cause more drama. I’m just curious to see if the giant oversized glasses are a hereditary thing….

Elizabeth & Unndrrrei:

Back in MOLDova, Undrrrei is driving the couple along with his dad and baby Eleanor to look at reception venues for “My Big Fat Moldovan Wedding”. Elizabeth complimented how sexy Undrrei looked driving a stick shift, which was a major cringe moment.( I really hope Undrrei’s dad doesn’t understand anything they are saying.) The first venue was a strip mall casino with puke green chairs that looked exactly how I pictured Moldova, since discovering it’s existence.The sales rep was showing them pictures of the delicious bologna platters that the caterers could provide, sure to tempt any prospective couples. She explained to them “We can even chave your initials spelled out in assorted meatses because this is very special I do for you”, but Elizabeth wasn’t impressed. I also noticed on the bottom of the photo album it said “Catering by Lana”, which I should have known from the signature entre- rabbit.  Elizabeth was not crazy about the Moldy casino, which she tried explaining during her interview to production, but was stopped with every sentence by Unndrrei. He kept telling her to “finish her fots” and he wanted to “finish his fots”, along with berating her and cursing at her. Being a graduate of Ash’s seminar, Undrrrei recommended that Elizabeth eat something because she was acting annoying. (Quick! Someone grab this woman and her feminine energy a cold cut to calm down!)

The second wedding venue seemed to be the winner, as it had both the modern class/style Elizabeth was going for and the meat platters of Undrrrei ‘s homeland…..also, a light up disco dance floor. There were so many notable jerky Undreei moments in this episode, including such gems as;
“I feel like I’m working hard being the translator” (great, because he doesn’t work hard doing anything else), “Your father will pay whatever it is”, and “You are a magnet for just like… bad”. Elizabeth already married him once… she should probably stop herself from doing it again. 

Next the whole family took a scenic walk around Moldy-O and we saw the beautiful tetanus riddled playground of Undrrrei’s youth. They again discussed the impending arrival of Elizabeth’s family (seems like this topic comes up every 5 minutes), and Undrrrei is already on the defense. How his sweet father produced such a nightmare human, is beyond me.

The last order of business was the baptism. I felt like I had seen this movie before, I think it was called “Midsommer”……The church was in the middle of nowhere and seemed like a very pretty old building. Elizabeth had to wear the traditional white dress, a babooshka on her head, and no shoes. The priest gave her a delightful exorcism, along with a candlelit bath (in the ancient sacred Moldovan bologna boiling bucket), and a haircut (just a few angled layers in the front, the priest failed cosmetology school. Also, he mails all of the baptism hair to Paul. They worked out a deal). 
The celebratory dinner afterwards with the brother and sister inlaw started out nice and then took a hard left. The in laws at least started calling out Undreeei for not working, until he somehow suggested that Elizabeth tricked him into being lazy. The sister in law gave some kind of analogy about the man being the head and the woman being the neck. Not sure what she suggests if the neck got stuck with a shithead….maybe something got lost in translation. Can’t wait to see the Lifetime movie that comes out about this relationship.(This is more than I ever wanted to write about these two, and I won’t be able to walk up to the deli counter ever again without thinking of my virtual visit to Moldova.)

Larissa-ee:

A special shout out to production for bringing back the McDreamy lawyer, Adam (they even did a close up of his butt for the female viewers at home). Lawyer Adam went over Larissa’s cases, including the report she filed on Eric-ee. He explained to Larissa that she needs to stay out of trouble and avoid any conflict so as not to disrupt the process of getting her green card. Larissa may or may not have been paying attention to what he was saying. She was too busy pondering if Lawyer Adam would hire her as his assistant-ee, even though she isn’t good at listening or working, and probably no one would understand her on the phone-ee (She does, however clean toilets…. Not all hope is lost).
Larissa met up with Eric-ee at a “farm to table” restaurant, where the food is grown right there in Las Vegas, by Elvis impersonating farmers in gold lame jumpsuits and brought to your table  (at least that’s what I pictured….it was actually way more boring than that, but Larissa did eat french fries off of a fork). The reunited couple discussed moving forward with their relationship and possibly sharing joint custody of a kitten, as well as a new set of boobs.
Larissa had to sit down and tell her friend Carmen (who she currently lives with) that she and Eric-ee are back together.This did not go over well with Carmen, who hadn’t forgotten all of the drama and wrong doings that occurred in their relationship the first time. She explained to Larissa that they will still be best friends, but she is going to need her to move out asap. I had a great idea…. I’m pretty sure David lives close by and he is rich-ee, geeky and even has a cat. She should just go live with him, I’m sure Lana wouldn’t mind! I’m a natural problem solver…

Angela & Mykol:

Angela is still snoozing when the scene opens after what appears to have been a wild night; There were empty Pepsi bottles and lotion on the bedside table and some tote bags slung over the headboard (also known as bras). Angela shows Michael his two suits that she picked out for him to wear to their wedding. For the ceremony she chose a classic white, while for the reception ensemble, she went with a beautiful shade of lavender (I have a feeling the salesman from Pimp Warehouse Outlet personally suggested that one). Michael was so thrilled about wearing the suits that he did a crazy happy dance causing it to rain in the region for three days straight. Now for some reason, the production team must really hate Michael and only want to see him wear those suits to his funeral, because they set him up BIG TIME. They again wanted to have him meet with the “ex pats” (whatever the hell that stupid scene was about in the first place) only WITH Angela. Michael had told his wife-to-be they were meeting a guy to discuss life in America, which I’m sure is what was told to him. However, when they arrived, there were 3 women waiting. Angela’s entire face changed and she stormed out, screaming at poor michel and ready to Hulk smash everything in sight. It was really the set up of the century. Angela screamed at Michael to drive her back to the apartment immediately while wearing her very Silva twin inspired sunglasses. She felt that Michael may not be ready to be her husband, and threatened to call off the entire wedding. (And I was planning to regift them the toaster I bought for BGL & Sojaboy’s wedding…. I’m never getting rid of this toaster!)

Kalani & Asuelu:

Asuelu was texting his last will and testament to his family, since Father Kalani (Low) told him to come join him for a walk in a desert park along with his pitbull. Once there, Asuelu was questioned about his actions on the infamous car ride to California. He apologized profusely, admitting he was in the wrong, and blamed some of his actions as a language/culture barrier. Low seemed to be pretty understanding, though still terrifying, as he stood there speaking in short vaguely threatening sentences. (Meanwhile, I thought I spotted Tuco, Walter White, and Jesse Pinkman in the background with a giant blue barrel, waiting on standby..…). Asuelu snivelled out an apology and the two walked the dog back home. Looks like Asuelu will live another day to dish out more froyo.

Tania & Synergy:

Cinnabon gets a call from his brother who had been in the ICU due to a blood clot, which was luckily taken care of, but could have been fatal. This really put things in perspective for Syng, as he is so far from his family just to be in the states with Tania and her shed-dwelling, lack of witch doctoring ways. He meets up with the head witch in charge at a coffee shop to discuss his brother’s condition and his desire to fly home to South Africa to see him. For some reason he invited Tania to go with him (talk about a buzz kill…) and she of course went into discussing their conversation from the night before at the restaurant. She’s very concerned that Synergy will get a taste of being home and not want to come back to their joyless piggyback lifestyle. I’m hoping Cinnamon’s real plan is to tell Tania that once they land in South Africa, he wants to take a romantic detour to Nigeria. Once there, he makes an anonymous phone call to Angela that he had seen Michael with a girl; long dark frizzy/curly hair, crazy eyes, and a foot brace, possibly putting a witch doctor love spell on him.  Tania problem solved. Again, natural problem solver. Right here.

Pol & Kreeknee:

Noticeably missing were Pol & Kreeknee, who were out buying 5 and saving $5, drinking tap water, and shoving tampons up their noses, like proud Americans.