Happily Ever After, Ep 4

Angela & Michael

Michael started off this episode by reintroducing himself and telling everyone what he loves about his woman, Angela, which included her “zeal”, smile, boobs, and the fact that she always has snacks for him hidden in her bra, including juice boxes. We see him heading out in his car   (with the bootleg LV steering wheel cover from Big Lots) to talk with his Aunt, a very traditional Nigerian woman, about marrying Angela in Nigeria. Again, she seems concerned with Angela’s totablity, and wants to make sure Michael will be able to have a child, asking if he could possibly take another wife or recruit a surrogate of sorts. Michael explained that this was in no way even a discussable possibility, as Angela would lose it, and possibly throw another cake in his face. 
Next we see Angela meeting up with her friend Jo-Jo (not Siwa) at a Pimp-wear Outlet store to look for wedding gear for Michael. Angela was toting all kinds of things in her bra (which was trying to escape from her shirt), while the helpful yellow bowtied sales associate showed her around the shop. After explaining her dilemma of not having a witness for the wedding in Nigeria, JoJo agrees to voyage to Nigeria and be Angela’s witness. Delighted that the show will go on, Angela decides on a white tux with red accents and a pair of size 15 wide shoes for Micheal (yikes!).  Angela goes home to pack her favorite thongs and explain to the “grids” that MeeMaw and Papa Michael are getting hitched in Africa. The kiddos are pretty bummed out that they can’t be a squad of flower girls, so Angela gives them a preview by modeling her wedding dress. She then turns to discuss the trip and nuptials with her bedridden mother, who doesn’t seem to be doing well at all. Angela is concerned with leaving her mom, but Mama tells her to “do what makes her happy” and gives her stamp of approval on the dress. (I’m glad Angela had a whole tissue box stuffed in her bra, that was a tough scene!). 
Lastly we see Angela head back to her doctor’s office to have a biopsy done to make sure she is alright, which is pretty nerve wrecking given her family history with cancer. The formerly super serious doctor, could not even keep a straight face this time while Ang carried on with her antics. She smiled as Angela screamed and freaked out before she was even able to perform the procedure, causing the good doctor to have the best idea ever-  give Angela nitrous oxide. Angela was more hysterical than usual, taking rips off her “nitro bong”, while laughing hysterically and telling the doctor to stop pinching her coochie. Aaaand the Academy Award goes to Angela, for best Nitrous oxide induced scene (with the doctor getting best supporting).

Then doctor kill-joy had to sober Angela up by telling her the serious possibilities of her test results, which will be given to Angela while she is getting wedding-ready in Nigeria. In the famous words of Sojaboy…. “I’ll say a prayer for yooou, babygirl” (and in all seriousness, hoping for good news).

Coltee & Jess:
Coltee and Debbie are hanging out at their place, playing with the cats as usual and discussing Coltee’s fellow feline fan, Jess. He finally breaks the news to Debbie that there’s a new leading lady in his life and she, much like the former “Queen”, is Brazillian. Debbie just seems like she’s not ready to deal with “Colt marries a Brazillian Girl He Barely Knows; The Sequel”, but he reassures her that Jess is nothing like Larissa. (Throughout the discussion, Debbie is holding a coffee mug that says “Best Step-Dad Ever”, which leaves me wondering if Debbie has a hunk of her own that she’s hiding….scandalous!)

Next we see Coltee sit down with a refreshing glass of ice water to brush up on his Portugeuse in preparation for the big trip to Brazil. He chats with Jess via Facetime to let her know the “cats out of the bag”- he told Mommy Dearest about their relationship (He also made a comment that he resembled Jess’s oddly shaped lumpy cat, and he was not wrong). Colt also broke the news that Debbie, the professional third wheel, will be tagging along on his trip to Brazil in order to make sure Coltee doesn’t do anything stupid, like get married again. Jess’s eyes got really wide with surprise (well at least I thought they did, could have just been the magnification from her ginormous glasses…), but she said “ok” and went on to tell Colt that he’d better make a good first impression on her father. I’m sure that won’t be a problem, as Colt seems to make a great impression on everyone he meets…..

Next we see Debbie seasoning up some steaks for a special dinner guest, the elusive Vanessa. Colt greets Vanessa at the door (passing a random framed picture of a whale on the wall), and giving her a hug. Coltee explains to production that he had a crush on Vanessa, and they slept together once after his divorce, but surprisingly, she didn’t seem to want to revisit having that kind of relationship. Debbie seems to know and like Vanessa, and the three amigos have some pre-dinner shots. As they sit down for dinner, they discuss Colt and Debbie’s upcoming trip to Brazil as well as Colt’s new relationship with Jess (which is funny, because at the beginning of the segment Colt said he was inviting her over to thank her for watching the cats…oops). Colt admits to having given Jess money and gifts in their short time together, and this sounds the alarms for the other two ladies in his life. Everyone is worried that Jess will wind up being a second Larissa but let’s be honest-ee, there is definitely only room in this world for one. Can’t wait to see Deb & Coltee take on Brazil next week! CAN wait to see Coltee in his man-kini (prepping my Sojaboy barf bucket now…)

Larissa-ee:
Larissa is cyberstalking Coltee and checking out (by zooming in and scrolling up and down) a picture of his new Brazillian girlfriend Jess. Even though she claims to not be into philanthropy, Larissa decides it’s her duty to warn Jess of the dangers of dating Coltee. (I finally see something Larissa and Colt had in common…. They both have awful camel toe. No thanks to the camera guy for focusing on her athleisure wear during this scene).

Larissa places a very staged call to Jess, where the two Brazillians spoke in English with their accents instead of Protuguese. She explained that Coltee is a demon (or “Daymoan”) and I could only help but think what her date from last week would have thought she said:
A diamond?
No, a dee-mound.
OOh, Matt Damon?
No, a dee-mound-ee.
She explains to Jess that Coltee is a geek womanizer, and as soon as he is done with her, he may go after her immigration status. 

Speaking of which, Larissa seems to have gotten a letter from Immigration that she needed to appear right away. Her friend Hannah gave her a ride, not knowing at the time that Larissa could possibly be arrested/deported on the spot. Larissa gave Hannah the phone number to her very attractive lawyer just in case (Hannah should just call him anyway and see if he wants to go for drinks). To be continued-ee!

Kalani & Asuelu:
In continuing from last week, Kalani is explaining to her parents the breaking medical advice she received that it’s not advisable to bring small children to a place riddled with Measles. Her parents of course agree, while Papa Asuelu stares blankly with his triangular eyebrows, feeling like a little kid that keeps being told he can’t go over to his friend’s house to play. 

Instead of the Samoa trip, the family makes a pilgrimage from Utah to California to an AirBNB to celebrate Oliver’s second birthday. Kalani was sandwiched in the back seat for the long drive between the two carseats, dealing with screaming babies, flinging a boob to feed one kid while trying to verbally calm down the other. She expressed how tired she was from being up most of the night with her sick kids (seemed like everyone had a cold), giving Asuelu the opportunity to get petty by saying “then maybe we should cancel the trip, the baby’s safety comes first” (and you thought he wasn’t clever….touche). This of course started a fight, with Kalani complaining about how hard she works and how much she does while he does nothing (implying that adding toppings to froyo is easy….), while Asuelu took the standpoint of “well that’s a woman’s job, American women have it easy” and ended with calling Kalani a lying bitch in front of her mother (and toddlers, for that matter), which made for a very awkward remainder of the car ride.

Once at their destination, Asuelu went out to the backyard to pick an unripened orange off the tree (pretending it was one of his native coconuts he longed for). Kalani tried to join him and talk out what just occurred in the car, but it seemed to only make the situation worse. Asuelu seems to be feeling stuck and alone with no one on his side, and Kalani is a tired mom with achey boobs and puke in her hair just trying to keep track of what day it is and how to keep everyone happy and alive. Asuelu then decides to grab his bags and head out the door, returning his mic to production before hopping on the first bus he sees going annnnnywheeeeere (like the Journey song). He was wise to get out of dodge, as it looks like Papa Low is headed to the AirBNB, and this whole ordeal sounds like grounds for the ass kicking of a lifetime. 

Pol & Kreeknee:
The family is ready to start their new life in America, which first requires Paul retrieving his old car from his parents’ house. Unfortunately, Mother Pol will not let him have keys to her house, as she doesn’t trust him and fears he may move in and never leave…. Or maybe set fire to the place. (You never know…)

So Pol is forced to hotwire his own car or what not and show an international audience how filthy he really is. Apparently he must have left for Brazil in a hurry, because his car was still full of food, junk, clothes, and miscellaneous crap. While Pol is busy rummaging through his garbage like a weird little raccoon and filming his own special edition of “Hoarders”, Karine is standing around complaining about the filth, the condition of the car, and the heat, as if she didn’t just come from a shack in the rainforest. (Honestly, the car is no more dirty than any clip they have shown of any place they have lived together…) That car screams “Pull me over, I might be Ted Bundy”, which is giving Karine second thoughts about staying. 

Elizabeth & Unndrrrrei:
It’s time to pack for the big trip to- yup you guessed it! Moldova (I dunno, I wouldn’t be excited to go to any place with the first 4 letters spell out the word “Mold”). Elizabeth is busy packing, making a checklist, making sure she has the right clothes, baby gear, snacks for the plane, blankies, diapers……while Unnndrei (like most men) is busy taking a crap, throwing a few pairs of socks in a bag and asking “what’s taking so long!??! It’s very simple”……
After the packing debacle, they were finally at the airport and on their way to MOLDova. They were greeted at the airport by Father and Brother Undrrrrei with a bouquet of flowers, and headed back to the family’s apartment. After the meet and greet with Underpants’ Mother and baby Eleanor for the first time, the family sat down over a platter of room temperature bologna and cheese to discuss the wedding details. Apparently Unnnderarm forgot to take care of a few details (like booking a wedding venue, asking his brother to be their Godfather, and telling Libby she has to be baptized/planning that whole thing). It appears they have a lot of work to do to get their acts together before Family Elizabeth’s big arrival. Unnndrrrei warns his family of his in-laws’ “American rudeness”, which his parents seem to not be concerned with. Sorry, Unnnnderdog, no one cares about your drama. Go eat your bologna.

It was so weird, because I felt this calm, peaceful sense of serenity come over me this Sunday evening as I watched, and then I realized……. Tania was missing. Unfortunately the previews show her returning next week, though it was nice while it lasted….