Happily Ever After, Ep 3

Pol & Kreeknee:

The day has arrived for Paul and Karine to move to Kentucky. We see Karine’s family give them a sort of “send off” party, as they chanted and loaded up the van to drive to the airport along with Karine’s mother, who was holding baby Piere-ee on her lap (named by Larissa), in a moving vehicle. Karine and her parents had an emotional goodbye at the airport, as they were nervous for their daughter and grandson to move to a forgein land with a terrorist/track and field star.

Once they arrived in the U.S. Pol’s mom was there to greet them and fawn over baby Pierre, while wearing her shorts, socks and Timbs (we see where Paul gets his fashion sense from). Pol is forever being seen struggling with luggage, with this haul being his largest stack yet, as they loaded up the car and headed home. Paul explains that his mother won’t let him stay at home, since she decided to cut the cord at 36. During the car ride to their hotel, Karine decided to remove crying baby Pierre from his carseat to try and calm him down, and Paul had one of his psychotic episodes, acting like a drama queen and getting out of his mother’s car at the stop light. Granted, taking a baby out of a car seat in a moving car doesn’t seem like a great idea (right, Asuelu? Never forget the cheeto fingers of disapproval….), but only hours before, Karine’s mom held the baby the entire van ride to the airport. I guess Pol was just concerned about breaking the law…. See mom? He HAS changed!  Karine was very impressed with what she saw of America so far, citing that the streets weren’t full of garbage and there were trees. Hopefully she enjoys living at the La Qunita….at least there someone will actually clean the room. 

Coltee & Jess:

Still in Chicago, Coltee and Jess take a stroll through the city and stop somewhere on the street to discuss their relationship issues. They seemed to work things out…. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell they talked about, I was too busy wondering why Jess didn’t use the “try my glasses on” app from Zenni Optical before buying a pair that are trying to take over her entire face. All I know is, when I emerged from my trance, I saw Coltee dancing in shorts and high top sneakers/black socks, and couldn’t believe the production team went there. We also had to watch them make out. I wish I never emerged from my trance. Colt seems to be worried about Jess not being able to stay in the country, as her 6 month work visa is nearing an end. She proposed a possible K1 Visa as an option for the future, which Colt somehow didn’t completely shy away from. Jess also invited Colt to come home to Brazil with her to meet the family, which hopefully is not during that awful bathing suit scene they keep showing previews for… 

After Coltee headed back to Vegas, Jess went out with her Brazillian girlfriends and discussed the trip. It’s pretty obvious that Jess’s friends (as well as the rest of us) are having a hard time understanding what she sees in Coltee, but I can’t wait to see what her parents have to say when they see him in his swim wear!

Larissa:

Larissa prepares for her blindee date-ee by contouring the crap out of her ever evolving face and putting on her finest sequined outfit. She complained that most guys on dating sites want to take you for a “hike and tacos” which is too cheap-ee for her taste. Lucky for her, tonight’s date looks like the missing member of Queer Eye, who is a also a waiter on a cruise ship but often pretends he’s the captain to win over the rich ladies on the cruise (I admit, that was very specific). Her date, Matt, was wearing some kind of leisure suit, had an entire jar of pomade slicked on his head, a nose stud, and a gift bag in hand. He described himself as “half white/half sexy”, with the sexy side being Egyptian. He asks Larissa if she likes philanthropy, and although it’s one of the few words she can probably say correctly since it has the built in “E” at the end, she says NO and laughs maniacally. She appreciates Matt’s “acknowledgment”of food, arts, culture, and floral pocket squares, but things went south fast, as Larissa started spilling the beans on her horrible track record. She of course mentions her ex “Coltee”, which started a very “Who’s on First” routine, as poor Matt couldn’t understand what in the hell name she was trying saying…That was all before she mentioned her kids back home in Brazil, the fact that she’s been arrested multiple times for domestic violence, and she likes men for citizenship. I don’t know where TLC dug up this cruise ship imposter, but I thank him for his time and service.

Next we see Larissa headed to the spa so her friend could electro shock her fat away (something like that), by attaching electrodes to her abs and then listening to her make awkward noises and squirm around claiming to “love the pain”. She told her friend about the date and that there was no connection, which translates to- he didn’t call because he was terrified. She then goes on to talk about Coltee and his new girlfriend, and how she wants to warn Jess (the ghost of Larissa past warning the ghost of Larissa future). And she said she wasn’t into philanthropy…….

Elizabeth and Undrrrrrrei:

Moldova. That is all.

Tania & Cinnabon:

Singe is going on an interview but has to first dress his “real doll” (they should’ve removed the talking feature). Tania seems to really be playing up the injury, as she is making Synergy give her piggy back rides everywhere, even to the shower. (Man! It’s too bad she couldn’t find any “eye of newt” or “dragon’s breath” to make a potion and fix her own foot, being the accredited witch doctor and all….)

After he deals with all that is Tania, Cinnamon heads off to his big boy job interview at the Irish pub. He talks the poor pub owner’s ear off, saying everything and yet not answering a single question asked (he had the same “too much too soon”problem  as Larissa on the first date-ee…). The pub owner seemed to have a soft spot for Singe’s “new to America” story, even though he could barely pour a pint of Guinness. The pub owner offered the poorly poured beer to Synge, who drank it down along with a shot and who knows what else, something every potential employer likes to see. 

Tania, who previously couldn’t get up to pee on her own, hobbled  on her crutches, alone to have her leg rechecked by a doctor. The doctor tells her to stay off of her foot for as long as possible, and that bartending may not be the best idea due to her injury. She went home and waited for Cinnamon, excited to hear about his job interview .When Cinnamon arrived home, she could smell the booze on his breath, and was annoyed at the fact that he was drunk at an interview. She feels like she’s not being “heard”, not realizing that the more she is heard, the more likely he is to keep drinking. 

Angela & Mykall:

Ange had to bring one of the kiddos with her to a lawyer’s office to draw up a will to make sure the grids would be taken care of, in the event that something should happen to Meemaw. Then she saw lawyer Lew, who let’s Angela know that there has been some progress on the K1 application for Michael, and they are waiting to hear if something about Michael personally is causing the delay. 

Back at home, Angela attempts to have a serious talk with Skyla about coming to Nigeria to be her witness for the wedding of the Century, all while Skyla is wielding a fly swatter. The party moved to the dining room, where there was a very delicious cake under a glass cake stand (you know Angela loves cake..), and Angela was pleading with Skyla to reconsider and come to Nigeria, even calling Michael in the middle of the night to bring him into the conversation. Skyla brought up a few good reasons why she shouldn’t go; she would  have to take off of work, she can’t afford it, she has to take care of her kids, she has to stay with her dying grandmother, but…. Michael is lonely and can’t wait any longer to be with Angela, so he would like to do the spousal visa to expedite the process. It doesn’t look like Skyla is budging on this one, so Angela better start working on a friend or other family member, stat!

Elizabeth and Undrrrrrei:

Ok fine, I guess I’ll say a little more about them if I have to…. First things first, where in the actual world is Underpants getting these A.C. Slater tank tops??!! Is there some kind of catalogue? Is there an A.C. Slater fashion crazy in Moldova? Is that what happens there??!!

Anyway, they’re going to freaking Moldova for three weeks, and Undrrrrrei seems to be making all of the travel and wedding arrangements solo, which is pissing off “Libby”. Next we see Elizabeth and her mom and gaggle of sisters going wedding dress shopping to find a dress that screams “I’m getting married in Moldova, bitches!”. She explains to everyone that since she’s getting married in a very conservative traditional Moldovan church, she needs long sleeves and no cleavage. That being said, of course she ends up picking out an illusion sleeve dress with a ton of cleavage, which did looked really pretty on and seemed easy to breastfeed in during the ceremony. Her sister Becky expresses how sad she will be missing out on “Family Elizabeth does Moldova”, and her mom goes on some rant about not wanting her daughter to pretend to be “Moldovan” (she should start by slapping her every time she says Unndrrrrei). Can’t wait to see Moldova! Except that I can…

Kalani & Asuelu:

Kalani rolled up to the froyo stand just in time to pick up Asuelu, who was being shaken down for money via facetime by his sister. Sister Asuelu also told him of a horrible outbreak of the measles going around Samoa, killing a lot of the island’s unvaccinated children, which made for great conversation during the family’s after work snack of avocado toast and a giant Mocha at some coffee shop. Aside from the trip to Samoa being a huge financial burden, Kalani is now worried about putting the babies’ health at risk, as their youngest isn’t even yet vaccinated. They went to a clinic to get an opinion on giving Kennedy his measles vaccine early (not sure why they wouldn’t go to the regular pediatrician). Asuelu figured they could just get shots and everything would be okay, as he was thinking only of how bad he wants to hold those glorious Samoan coconuts instead of just staring at Kalani’s all day, but the female doctor (who Asuelu thought was a nurse, since everyone knows doctors are boys), felt even with the shots, it would still be risky. Asuelu left looking very depressed… maybe if he sends his sister some money, she can mail him some coconuts to cheer him up.