Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 6

Prince Joffrey & Varya:
We pick up with Prince Joffrey having run off from the dinner table, crying over finding out Varya was talking to another American man. Varya chases after him, trying to calm him down, and opened up about her other secret relationship. She explains that this mystery man only has her Instagram…..Oh and she forgot he also has her WhatsApp…..Actually come to think of it, they met up in real life…
Oops. Some might say Varya has a wondering eye…… (oh wait…)
Varya tries to put it all on Joffrey, claiming he is overreacting about not being her first American online bf.
Joffrey was so upset he got a hotel room (which he was probably secretly happy about, sleeping on the leopard couch was getting old).
He took in a morning run in a new athletic shirt he bought, since nipple tats are grounds for arrest in Russia. He was looking pretty buff, however no amount of spandex and abs could overshadow what lies beneath. He video called his friend Mary back home to report on the Varya situation. Mary tried to tell him not to settle, and that SHE would infact like to see his nipple tats up close and personal when he returns from his Russian affair.
After much reflection on the evening, Joffrey met with Varya (who was dressed like Ms.Lippy the kindergarten teacher and wearing purple mascara) to get his suitcase. Varya regrets not telling Joffrey about her American History Ex, and that they’re just friends now. Joffrey seemed to accept her shady explanation and decided to give it another go.

Darcey & Tom:
Darcey is lint rolling her face and reading a very introspective and formal text from “Thomas”, aka Tom. Thomas, that cheeky little English Muffin, is coming to NY on “business”, aka, he needs to discuss his non-relationship with Darcey. They give Tom the most badass music as he struts through JFK and head on towards the city. He claims to be coming with genuine intentions of clearing the air, but we shall see.
Meanwhile, Darcey is ready to confront Tom head on, and is drawing on her war eyebrows accordingly. She became emotional (shocker) reflecting back on her relationship with her sexy British Agent 007 (who is looking svelte these days, he used to be Agent 007 1/2).
They played sexy Portishead-esque music for Darcy’s grand entrance. She looked amazing in her plunging neckline jumpsuit and shoulder-slung black jacket as she sashayed into the lounge and snubbed “Thomas” and his phony greeting. You be strong, bitch.

Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika:
The ladies are enjoying each others’ company on the car ride back to the hotel where they will be staying in Adelaide. They explore the hotel room, checking out all of amenities, and belly flop onto the bed with suns out-buns out. There is a lot of giggling, shrieking, elongated “yeeeeeeeessss”es, and then baller Stephanie orders expensive champagne to celebrate before heading off to her “bath”. She invites Erika into the bathroom and surprised her by wearing a black marabou trimmed sheer robe. It had all the good makings of a Cinemax movie, “The Girls Down Under”, and I can only imagine how awkward it was with multiple cameramen in that small space, while they made out and messed up their good hair.
The next morning, the ladies discussed hitting first base just before heading out wearing on-theme outfits to go to an animal sanctuary. They pet kangaroos and wallabies in between thoroughly hand sanitizing (the poor kangaroos are going to reek of Purell). Stephanie explained more about her condition to Erika, who didn’t seem to realize at first how intense this disorder was.
Next week looks fun and sparkley, as the girls are doing art projects involving their boobies. Hopefully not involving hot glue….

Big Egg & Rosemarie’s Baby:
Big Egg is feeling scrambled, as he anxiously sips coffee, bites his lip, and worries about changing his Facebook relationship status. He tells production, through tears, that he fears he blew his chance.
Big Egg waddled down the street to the cafe to see if Rose would show (I know how to make her appear. Go in the bathroom with the lights off, look into the mirror and say “Bloody roseMARY” three times and you’ll see her face).
He waited, drank too much coffee, and what would you know-90 minutes later, she appeared to haunt my nightmares.
Ed apologized for digging into her past and acting like he didn’t trust her. He promised he’s cool with not knowing about any or all of her STDs, and they decided to move forward with the rest of the trip. Ed felt so happy and relieved as they headed back to his hotel room.
The preview revealed Ed trying to “pamper” his queen with a sensual massage, but instead was simply rubbing oil on Sasquatch’s legs. Whatinthehell is going on with Rosemarie’s hairy legs?! Once again, I need Sojaboy’s barf bucket. Let’s hope they stop at the drugstore and pickup some concealer and razors before next week.

BGL & Assman:
Back in the “Arizona ” sweet confusingly located in Kaduna, Nigeria, BGL and Assman are in an intense discussion about “Abba S-Boy’s” blatant disrespect. Although he was rude, Assman does believe that Abba-Dabba-Do was right that BGL is career suicide. Assman assures her that she is his BAE, and he has to do what he has to do to make her happy.
The babyloves (plural) are headed to the club for Sojaboy’s premiere party for the hit single video “I go there for you babygirllisa”. BGL was sporting her signature purple cowl neck sleeveless sweater and hoop earrings, and even ditched her glasses for the big night. They walked in through the barbed wire gates up to the plastic step and repeat, to take pictures with friends and fans alike. Then it was time for Superstar Sojaboy to hit the center stage. He started out with his chart topping hit “Dabbing Dabbing, a little dab will do ya”. His fans were feeling it, as was BGL, who found the whole performance to be an aphrodisiac as she looked on from the sidelines with stars in her eyes. Sojaboy fashioned his towel into a cape, as he danced on stage to the international BGL Love Ballad. He even gave BGL a shout out as a white beautiful woman from America. His female fans were underwhelmed, to say the least. One forthcoming fan felt that Usman could be using her for her money, which is a shocking conspiracy theory. It was surely a night to remember.
The next morning the lovebirds hopped on a flight to Sokoto, Nigeria, where Assman is from. He wanted to introduce BGL to his Sojamom to hopefully get her blessing for their marriage.They were met at the airport by Bobo gande, a friend of Assmans (I’m surprised his name wasn’t S-Ussman Boy).
Assman pulled out all the stops for BGL, booking the “chalet” suite in the Sokoto Motor Murder Lodge. Babygirl was not thrilled with the double box spring bed or poop bucket shower. Bobo Gande remarked that BGL seemed controlling, and Assman admitted they fight often (Only like every hour of every day). He is second guessing his love for America and his ability to deal with BGL.

David and I Lana Come to America:

David comes onscreen to the tune of some 1970’s Atari music, perfectly fitting, and we see him making love to his computer, yet again. He’s feeling pretty positive that today is the day he will be meeting Lana, who has informed him she’ll be the devil with the blue dress on. Dave gives himself a good shave, fluffs up his weave, and puts on his purple shirt to match the said blue dress, because blue and purple are next to each other in the rainbow.
He shuffles off in his baggy pants to meet Lana at the train station, only-spoiller alert, no Lana. He feels like a real live sad face emoji, with a hint of angry emoji. For some reason he doesn’t have future Mrs. David’s phone number, even after their 7 year cyber dating, so he has no way to get in touch. He needs to cut his losses and go on Ukrainian Tinder right about now, there would be like 100 other Lana-Maria’s raring to go.
He meets up with Anya to reveal his new plan; Hes going to drive about 4 hours away to Lana’s city and find her once and for all. He only has the address because she used it on documents for a cruise they never went on, because her parakeet died, or she had a belly ache, or she needed to wash her hair, or had to shave her legs (an excuse NOT used by Rose). Anya warns him that the roads to get there are unsafe, but David, believing that Love is a Battlefield, is choosing to press on. Honestly, if he actually finds her and confronts her, I will be a lot less annoyed that we have 2 Caesars this season. THAT could be the plot twist we all need in these uncertain times.
Make ’em say MMMmmmm, Nana nana.

Missing this week was Yolander, who was too busy prepping for her trip to Nigeria (ask BGL for pointers).

Also missing this week were Avery * Ashtray, who look like they’ll be back next week.