The OTHER Way; Season 5, Episode 1

Brandan & Mary:

Brandan is a 23 year old yutz from Eugene, Oregon who likes to share just about everything with his girlfriend Mary. Since Mary, who is also 23 years old, lives in the Philippines, they video about every aspect of their lives so they can “be” together … .including going to the bathroom. From daily meals, to shopping, and even intimate moments, the long distance lovers are “virtually” inseparable. Brandan is currently living in an R.V. parked in front of his God-parents’ house. He had a rough life with his biological parents, even living out of his own car in his late teens. His Godparents took him under their wing (or driveway) and helped him get his life back together (if you that’s what you consider it). 

Brandan met Mary on a dating site, and the two have been admittedly obsessed with each other ever since. Mary has not one but 2 “Brandan” tattoos, and they mail each other sweaty t-shirts to feel close to one another. Brandan plans on moving to the Philippines very soon so they can finally get off the phone. 
The only downside to this seemingly perfect romance is Mary’s jealous side. She does not allow Brandan to talk to any other woman, including female coworkers, family members, cashiers, pets…etc. Brandan knows the jealousy is a bit toxic, but hopes things will improve once they are finally together.

Brandan took Mary down to the dentist’s office for a teeth cleaning so she can keep an eye on any hygienist hussies. She was unhappy that another woman was digging at Brandan’s plaque, but was more mad when the woman tried to make friendly conversation, asking if the random person on the phone watching his dental appointment was his first love, only for Brandan to answer “No”. Hearing this made Mary instantly break out into tears, causing one of the stupidest fights in 90 day history in one of the most random locations. 

Then they finally showed Mary on her home turf, living in her small town with her grandparents, who raised both her and her brother. She is very close with them, since her parents abandoned her at a young age (thus the crazy issues). Mary likes to stay on the phone with Brandan even while they are asleep, staring at each others’ drooling faces. On this particular interview day, Mary waited until Brandan had been sleeping to pull the plug on her router, pretending there was a power outage so she could go hang out with her male friends (Clearly not Brandan approved, and would be a big problem for Mary, if the situation were reversed). While chatting, it was mentioned that she was brought up strict Catholic, and therefore had never been with a man. She worried about being with Brandan in person, especially since her worldly manchildren friends had told her that American men were well endowed (but their only reference is Justin Beiber…and I’m not sure if he makes those kinds of videos). The Friend’s Mary worried that Brandan moving to their neck of the woods would stifle her opportunities, as she had already quit school, modeling, and dancing due to his jealousy. Mary is seriously committed to the relationship, vowing to become a nun if things didn’t work out.  

Before Brandan left for the Philippines he had his mom and sister come for lunch (and Mary of course via satellite). Unfortunately Mother Brandan and his sister were not Mary fans, as they feel the relationship is obsessive. Mary isn’t crazy about Brandan hanging out with his own mother and sister, since they are also women, and gets very upset by anything they say. Brandan and his mother have a difficult relationship, due to the fact that she lost custody of him and his sister because of her previous drug addiction. Now clean and sober, Mother Brandan seemed desperate to be a part of her goofy son’s life, feeling like his insane relationship is now standing in the way. 

I wonder what will happen when Brandan and Mary finally meet? Will they still facetime from the shower and toilet in the other room? They take that Aerosmith song “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” to another level. 

 

Holly & Wayne:

Holly is a 44 year old woman from Ogdon, Utah who’s in a bit of a hairy situation… that is, her hair is down to her knees. Ironically she is a barber, but I guess doesn’t get an employee discount. Although Holly cuts everyone else’s hair, she refuses to cut her own due to her love for fairytales, namely Rapunzel. 
As she worked on a client’s haircut, she explained her ADHD and her two previous failed marriages. Unwilling to date another Utahnian (If that’s what they’re called), she looked for love internationally and came across Wayne, a plumber from South Africa. Now, I can think of all sorts of things you could find in a South African drain, like …….exotic snakes, elephant hair… ya know, Africa things. However, he is now looking forward to snaking Holly’s hair out of the drain for life.

Wayne was raised a devout Jehovah’s witness, who decided to give online dating a try. He found an immediate connection with Holly, so much so that he proposed to her on their third day together. Holly was scared, being that it was such a whirlwind romance, but proudly accepted and planned to move to South Africa. Her friend/ fellow barber-ette tried to discuss her potential safety risk, as the country has daily blackouts and constant burglaries. Although she does fear for her own safety, Holly feels safe in her decision to take a chance on Wayne (or “Wayne the Drain ” as we call him in the plumbing bizz).

Holly went to a cafe to video chat with Wayne, while trying not to sit down on all of her hair. The two planned to get married a week after Holly’s arrival, most likely because he is committed to being celibate until marriage. Though both of them have been in previous relationships, they decided to play by the Jevhovah Witness handbook by having chaperones until marriage and separate bedrooms. This meant Holly’s mother would be accompanying her to South Africa and staying for the next month or so.

Hopefully we’ll get to see them fight in some scenic areas or on a safari. The other Africa couples were stuck in Ronald-Ma-Boy’s blue room most of the time. 

Julio & Kirsten:

Hailing from my neck of the woods (Long Island, NY) is  27 year old Julio- aka D.J. Wikki (of “Mission Taco” fame… where I’ve eaten many times). Julio grew up in the Dominican Repoo-blick and came to the states as a kid to harvest the American dollar with his mother. Once in school he learned English and got super into music, which is where his DJing career began. Later in his life he began traveling internationally, hitting up over 28 countries. One day online he came across a beautiful girl named Kirsten from the Netherlands, and fell head over heels. The two met up in the Netherlands during the pandemic, and Julio was blown away by the blonde beauty. They stayed together long distance, and he soon decided he wanted to become more Jesse-like and move to the Neither-lands. 

Julio met up with his friend Vincent to discuss his relationship and secret move. He hadn’t told many people in his life and feared their reaction. The main person he had left to tell was his Mother, who he was very close with. 

He met up with his mom to discuss Kirsten’s upcoming visit to the States where they would finally get a chance to meet. Being a self proclaimed “Mama’s boy”, he knew the idea of living in another country would not go over well. Mother Julio looked forward to meeting Kirsten, since she never got to meet any of her son’s love interests and realized he must be serious. She questioned where they would live if they stayed together, which helped segue him into breaking the news of his move. She was shocked and upset, holding him tightly and begging him to have her move to the U.S. Julio tried to reassure his mom that it was a good thing, and that they would still spend a lot of time in the U.S…… to DJ at Mission Taco.

Meanwhile, Way back in the land of tiny cars and dreamy little houses…. we got to meet Kirsten, who was in a store cutting the cheese.  She explained that her little town was super safe and everyone rode around on bikes. She spoke plainly about her love for Jewel-Eyo, which she pronounced as such, feeling like she was giving him a little European flare. It seemed her love for him went from mild to indifferent, as she didn’t have much vocal variety or expression. But her town was adorable….

Later on, Julio was at the airport waiting for Kirsten to arrive, flowers in hand (Coltee!!). He received a call from Kirsten and was surprised to hear that she was stuck in customs, having had her passport taken away from her. She was unsure what was happening and if she would even be allowed to enter after coming from so far. And I’m sure she said that with zero emotion. They’re making me think of Blake (the singer with the mask on) and Jasmine (Equal personality)

Kenny & Armando:

Back from the “Other Way” salon de la fama (That’s “Hall of Fame ”, Kenny), are Karmando. The two have been living in Mexico with Armando’s daughter Hannah, and Kenny is now 60 years old. Karmando did a brief recap of their relationship captured on previous seasons, and how married life in Mexico has been going thus far. Though the couple seems pretty happy, they were recently misaligned on where they should live, as Kenny had sudden interest in moving from the small, quaint, English-friendly beachside community of La Mision, to Mexico City.

They were getting ready to take a trip to visit the city and try it out for a few months, with Abuelo Kenny putting on a weird shiny rainbow shirt that was very 1990’s club kid and Armando having no part of that. Kenny explained his excitement about the temporary move, since he felt it was a more bustling city with more to see and do. Armando, on the other hand, is from a small town and fears the crime and dangers there. He did, however, agree to spend the Summer there, going out of his comfort zone, in the hopes that Mexico City may have a room for rent… I mean a womb for rent. Armando was really into the idea of finding a surrogate to have a baby that would be Kenny’s that he could raise. Kenny was hesitant to start over with a new bambino, since he was now 60 and a grandfather. 

The family of tres (That’s three, Kenny) loaded up their car to head to Mexico City for their trial run move. Armando remained salty for the entire road trip, as Papa Kenny and Hannah danced their way to their new town. 

Are you team Papa Armando or Papa Kendoll?

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