NEW 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After?
Happily Ever After: Tell All Part 1
Well, we just had the first installation of the three part Tell All, which is the HARDEST thing to recap ever. Everyone is out of control. Everyone is interacting with each other. It’s A.D.D central.
Hold on to your booholes……here we go!
The show started off with Shaun greeting all of the couples at random. Asuelu is a possible no-show, while Angela is wearing a mask inside of her house (which she explains is due to an abscess and dental work she needs to have done, and to help her socially distance herself from cake). Larissa and her newly acquired “twins” (who she named Darcey and Stacey) are front and center with a side of Eric-ee. Jess is signed in from some random mismatched unexplained house in Michigan, showing a comparable amount of cleavage to Larissa in her top from Rainbow, while the real power couple- Colt-ee and Debbie were live from their residency in Vegas.
In the first little segment of ridiculousness, Jess announced that she isn’t speaking with Colt-ee, sounding like a weird bratty teenager, while Debbie cheers, claiming that she prefers Larissa over Jess any day of the week. This is shocking news to Larissa, who is laughing in her little zoom-box with Eric-ee, who was basically there for decoration.
Colt takes a shot at Larissa, claiming she is unrecognizable, saying he would call her “Larissa McGillicuddy”- OOOH,burn! ( I think??) and Larissa just called him fat, though he clearly has lost weight. The two of them would be awful in a “Yo mama’s so….” diss-off; Their comebacks were terrible. As if this wasn’t already like a bad day in middle school, Undrrrrei randomly pops up in a box to weigh in and call Larissa “Michael Jackson 3.0”. He then moved on to interrogating Larissa about her 3 kids back home in Brazil, questioning her morals, and upsetting her to the point where she stopped talking-ee.
Speaking of Undrrrrei, the conversation turned towards them for the bulk of the show (get the eye rollsready..). He and Elizabeth were interviewed about life in quarantine, which seemed to be going as well as usual…fighting with a side of sexual tension. Libby feels it’s time for Undrrrei to get off his Moldy-arse and get a job, while Dr. Tania chimed in about “gender roles” (she does have the authority to weigh in on this, as she actually is an accredited witchdoctor). Undrrreii insists that Libby likes his male dominating ways, while she sat there flipping her hair, with her affected voice, saying “no one likes to fight, Undrrreeei, duhhh!”. And I sat here, wondering why I was still sitting here.
The family Elizabeth made an appearance, ganging up on Undrrrei for being rude and aggressive in Moldy-O. Chuckles had to work pretty hard to defend the “peasant food” comment, and Undrrrreei had to mansplain bacon to Jen (I’m Jewish, this was lost on me…). They all seemed fairly uneasy watching their segments while on camera. Younger ground Chuck was trying to explain his actions, saying he didn’t like Undrrrei’s negative attitude, but ignored his own idiotic behavior. Speaking of Idiotic behavior…. Tania kept talking, which is like… the worst. Every time. Just why…. Weren’t we leaving her in South Africa? Wasn’t Carol Baskin supposed to rub sardine oil on her or something??
Family Elizabeth kept trying to get to the bottom of why Undrrrrei left Moldova, but maybe he was just sick of salami. Ever think of that, dos Chucks + Jen?!
When Charlie had to rewatch the infamous wedding speech, he laughed with embarrassment blaming it on too much Moldscato (that’s a Moldovan dessert wine). Libby, as always, just rolled her eyes and said everyone was annoying. Jen started in too, but I couldn’t focus, because I was too busy looking at her model home decor.
Angela popped in to lighten the mood, saying she wished she would’ve met Chuckles before snagging Michael, which is the kind of spinoff I’m here for.
Thankfully Angela shifted the conversation her way (as I was so over dealing with bologna breath) and she admitted that quarantine was putting an extra strain on her relationship with Michael due to the distance. Angela explained that she likes to keep in constant contact with her man, who has multiple generators so as not to lose power and wifi, which would result in a complete Angela meltdown. She likes so much virtual time together, that she even wanted to be present when Michael was “dropping the kids off in the pool”, which Michael didn’t even deny. They rewatched the strip club scene, where Michael was in the dog house yet again for glancing at the gyrating stripper, and Angela was getting mad all over again. She admitted to not fully trusting Michael, due to the fact that he’s much younger and so far away. She also made a fabulous analogy, comparing her relationship with Michael to a diabetic with a candy addiction.
When the couple rewatched their wedding ceremony, Ang became emotional, thinking of her family and missing them on that important day.
The conversation moved on to Colt and Jess. Colt-ee tried to deflect his wrongdoings by claiming that Jess was trying to change him. He made everyone cringe when he repeatedly called her “sweetheart”, saying she manipulated him with her sexuality. Speaking of vomit, they had to discuss Colt’s intimate messages sent ‘round the world. It’s like “It’s a Small World After All”…..with d*ck pics.
Colt-ee tried explaining his compulsatory internet flashing by saying he was just being friendly and showing affection, and expressing himself artistically, as Angela requested a phallic cameo for herself. Larissa, in her pigtailed box braids and purple dress, questioned Colt-ee’s morals, as both exes of Colt ganged up on him. Debbie, who’s longer flippy hair looked fabulous, did not appreciate the Brazillian beatdown that her son was receiving, and eventually left. But not before the newly united gal pals ganged up on Debbie, calling her devil and awkwardly laughing. Colt was confronted by Jess about his relationship with Vanessa, and he finally admitted that he had slept with her before, after (and maybe kinda) during their brief relationship. Looks like we’ll get back to that story next week, with a Vanessa guest appearance.
Kalani and Asuelu were next in the hot seat, and surprisingly together. They explained that their current relationship status is “game on”, though it’s not great and could change at any moment. So one could say, it’s the same. Asuelu is still playing sneaky volleyball every day, and is now teaching dance classes in a Polynesian dance group. Sister Kolini and Mama Lisa joined in their squares, and we now know that the phrase “Periot.” is inherited. Kalani feels that Asuelu cares more about unimportant little things (like his belief that sniffing a carton of milk to make sure it’s still good actually contaminates the milk) than wearing a mask during a pandemic. Basically, everyone thinks Asuelu is selfish and doesn’t pull his own weight. After watching the clip of the “lying bitch” comment on the infamous car ride, Kolini is unphased, and thinks the couple will break up. Midway through their segment, in come the Samoan mafia, with Tammy in full Samoan garb and ready to throw down. Mama Asuelu was even wearing a hint of lip gloss for the occasion. They all relived the scene on the pier, where Tammy threatened to beat Kalani up, and Grandma of the year professed that she didn’t in fact care about her own grandchildren. Everyone seemed pretty upset by the clip…..that is, everyone except Tammy, who is now threatening to beat up everyone. Even possibly me. (I was feeling left out anyway…)
In conclusion, there was way too much Undrrrei time, Tania started talking and I needed ear bandaids, and Angela should be hosting the Tell All and I hope she got to eat cake. Until next week!
Somehow, couldn’t wait for the show to be over, boring! Colt is gross! But still loving your recaos Erica!
Can’t wait for the next tell all and your comments
Thought I missed you this week. Superb recap as usual.😂
Absolutely love your recaps. Totally in point. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Great as usual, Erica! Thanks for the laughs, I need them!
I got part way through it and had to turn it off to go to work, glad I don’t have to turn it back on now. Thanks, awesome as always.
Erica !!!! The Wizard-ess strikes again, thankfully !! I was so numbed down by ONE hour of the Part ONE tell all, I didn’t see how even you could squeeze out such hilarity….oh me, of little faith….love it !!!!!!
Your recap was so much better than the actual show.
Thanks to you Erika, I was falling asleep at my desk on this long Friday and you just woke me up laughing!!!!
Your recaps are better than the show!!! You go girl!!! Love it!!!
Bravo Erica!!!
You actually made the rather boring show sound like a fun-fest. Nice work putting lipstick on that pig.
Fabulous Erica!
I was desperately waiting for your recap to make sense of it all. That Tell All was nearly as bad as the presidential debate 😉😂
Thanks, Erica!! Superbly entertaining, as always!!!
I always enjoy your comments. I liked the appellation “ground Chuck”– I think that’s a new one.
Yeah, def, your recaps are better than the show!
You never fail to bring-it! Your recaps are better than the actual show!
Debbie and Coltee the real power couple! Accredited witchdoctor. So good, ms, schmerica! Wondering why I was still sitting there. Oh my god, your hate for Tania is appallingly delicious. Moldscato! Spinoff. Ear bandaids. where you get this stuff? Incredible ma’am schmerica.🇺🇸
Brilliant as always!
You know I love your work! Always do.I am going to tell you once again how talented I think you are. Isn’t there someone out there with a job you deserve?