(SUNDAYS) Before the 90 Days Of Our Lives; S6, EP7

Statler & Dempsey:

Statler was on her way to jolly old England to finally meet Dempsey (She should’ve gotten a 2 for one deal on flights with Christian… he could’ve had an equally awkward drinking partner). Unfortunately Dempsey somehow missed her flight home from her vacation in Thailand, leaving Statler to her own devices (which seems like a bad idea). Once landing, she took cabs and trains towards Manchester to the shmancy hotel room she had booked for the two’s big meeting, which wound up being a party of one. Statler gave a monotone tour of the room, sure to bore anyone (She should have stayed in David and Sheila’s hotel… it had bugs, her fave).

Shortly after her arrival, Statler began to feel a bit sick. She went into detail over all of her bodily functions, which was yet another charming attribute. Feeling like she needed to be on the mend asap, she made an appointment at a clinic, and made sure to spray her butt with perfume before leaving the hotel room (Copyright Darcey). At her appointment it was confirmed that she had somehow contracted a parasite (maybe all of that playing with bugs was a bad idea after all) and she was given medication. Feeling a bit better, Statler decided it was finally time to meet up with Dempsey. Unfortunately once the meet was set, her stomach nerves (or parasite… let’s just name him Moohamit) kicked in again, leaving her confused if she would be needing a toilet soon (She has to meet Depmsey unless she has 6 or more diarrheas. It’s a game called “Mother Sumit Says”). She nervously turned the corner to the meet-spot, to see the wide-eyed girl from the internet standing before her like a deer in headlights. The two hugged and nervously tried to make conversation, with one being more awkward than the next. 

We finally got to meet Dempsey, who is 28 years old, and didn’t have too much to say in her interview. She seemed to like Statler in person, as she nervously handed her a bag of vitamins and other “get well” items. The two made weird semi suggestive jokes as they squirmed in their awkwardness, taking me with them. So far, these two seem happy to be together. I just hope Dempsey doesn’t end up with a Moohamit (parasite).

Jasmania & Gee-Know:

“Jasmo” decided to break free from fighting at home this week and took their show on the road. They went to visit the famous Panama Canal, which really piqued Gino’s interest since he’s an engineer of some kind or another. As he gawked at the water, Jasmine tried to relate the creation of the canal to the creation of their relationship, using a unique form of mental gymnastics. Gino couldn’t seem to care less about the words coming out of the inflatable lips, but was instead mesmerized by the beauty of the canal. Jasmine was annoyed that he seemed aloof, and tried to explain that they needed to work on their communication, blabbing on and on, until Gino tried to, what I believe Dr. Phil would call, “Stand in his power”. He mentioned that he didn’t believe he had a communication problem, and rarely fought with his ex wife, whom he was married to for several years. Of course just the mention of the ex wife made Jasmine begin to twitch and get that crazy look in her eye, but Gino just clenched his jaw, and announced he was going to stare at the canal. He explained to the cameras (while wearing his Cabana wear) that he worried about Jasmine and “Den” and their whole secret conversation from last week, so he decided to give her the cold shoulder (But not the one Tiffany of Tiffany and Ronald-Ma-Boy likes to wear all the time).

Jasmine asked Gino to take a walk with her to talk, a little too close to water and rocks for comfort, as she asked what was up. He confessed he was feeling a bit concerned about the relationship with “Den”, as he struggled to open a granola bar wrapper worse than most toddlers. Somehow the question of cheating made Jasmine giggle uncontrollably, as she couldn’t seem to take the anti-potato-peeler seriously (Or maybe giggling happens right before she snaps, choking him out with her extensions and pushing him into the canal so he can “dormir con los peces” (That’s “Sleep with the Fishes” Kenny, and I’m worried).

Jasmine finally composed herself and told Gino that she and Den hang out a lot more than he knows, since they are now neighbors. Gino seemed to perk up a bit, explaining to the cameras that he never would have paid for her to live in that apartment building had he known Den was conveniently down the hall waiting with a cup of sugar. He also realized that the act of communicating with Den would be considered treason by Jasmine standards, and wouldn’t even want to know the punishment. 
Next time, on “As The Canal Turns”…..

Meisha Meisha Meisha & Knee-Cola:

Back in the holy land…
Meisha described her first few days in Israel with her religious dreamboat as a mixed bag. She was concerned that Neeee-colaaaa did not tell his family anything about her, even though they have been in an intense 7 year online relationship. She was feeling nervous that he didn’t seem to be listening to any of her grievances (ya know, the whole “cute when mute” bit), and worried that the relationship may not work out. 
While sightseeing around Haifa, Meisha suddenly became concerned about her informal attire once seeing a wedding party walk down the street. Not wanting to be underdressed, she popped into Nicola’s backseat to change into some tight fitting dress with a bright, busy print. She explained that her career in newscasting gave her so maach experience in “the backseat quick-change” (or at least that’s what she claimed it was from. Don’t show Mother Nicola this episode… ).
Meisha and Nicola went to a beautiful viewing spot of the city to take selfies, which looked like they were having a lot more fun than in reality. As they strolled around, Nicola had asked if today was a better day for his ladylove, since they had been arguing quite a few times already. Meisha explained she appreciates his efforts but gave him an ultimatum; Introduce me to your hard-of-hearing mother and other family members, or I’m Mother Debbie Done. He seemed surprised by her aggressive stance on the matter, but seemed to agree to her terms, while managing to say “Meisha” approximately 47 times unnecessarily. 

Later in the evening there was another wardrobe change as MeishKola headed out to one of the Haifa night spots. KneeCola claimed to only be willing to have a good time for Meisha’s sake, as his religious dedication has stopped him from making a name in the night club scene (that, and the rest of him). As they sipped delicious contraband, Meisha admitted she smokes 1 cigarette every New Year’s Eve, which of course did not go over well for God’s personal disciple. The two discussed what activities are considered a sin, and I’m pretty sure almost all of them are on Nicola’s list. Meisha, who loves to dance, schlepped her Israeli counterpart into the club to get the only groove on that they were sort of allowed to. Much to her surprise, Nicola was able to shed his “Footloose” outlook and really cut a rug. The two danced the night away to the Israeli club music, and likely had a hummus nightcap. Meisha.

Tyray Caesar 2.0 & ThePhotoFormerlyKnownAs Carmella:

Tyray and his sister teamed up with a private investigator to find out more dirt on this Carmella character. Lou, the “old school” PI who looks like he knows as much about the internet as say…Jenny, who is basically 100, said he did a reverse photo search and found some information (Didn’t we just do this with his sister for free ?! Hope he got a Groupon for the PI….) Not only was Carmella an escort, but she apparently is also a porn star (which didn’t seem to upset Tyray… a star is a star!). As Big T, his sister, and Lurker Lou sat awkwardly looking at porn together (and all holding up their big notebooks), it became more evident that the Carmella Tyray fell in love with is a scam. Shocker of the day. Lou tried to explain to his client that this is a common scam, usually run by teams, sometimes called “Yahoo Boys”, whose names sound a lot like “Usman” and who promise to “Go dey for you”.  

Next Tyray was back at his house with another one of his sisters, ready to come clean about his situation. Sister Sharprea (something like a Sharpie, Sharpei, and a Prius had a baby) wheeled their handicap mother into the living room for the big reveal. They listened as Tyray slowly described his catfish situation, surprised and upset for the big guy. He did however say he believed the person behind the Carmella alias was a woman, and he planned to go back to Barbados to try and find her. Both ladies sighed, knowing- like the rest of us, that this is just really dumb. Tyray also admitted to reaching out to real-life porn star Carmella, but she was unavailable… probably doing things Nicola would ring the “shame bell” for.

Riley (ew) & Violet:

Another week, another war museum over in Vietnam (Do they not have zoos or botanical gardens? Can we do something lighter?). Riley, being ex-military, really enjoyed the day’s activity, as he walked around wearing yet another Steve Urkel-esque outfit. He stopped to sit on a bench with Violet so they could recap the meeting with her family. Unfortunately for Riley, Mother Violet seemed to feel he was a bit controlling and thoughtless, as she was mad she didn’t get a present (though relieved she didn’t have to pretend to like fake pearls). The two had a bit of culture war sitting amongst the remnants of actual war, as they discussed their differences. Riley claimed not to know it was polite to bring something to someone’s house when coming for dinner, and Violet claimed not to know it was rude to call someone fat and ugly. They’re actually a perfect match. He further laid out the case that he is one of the only people of his ethnicity walking around town, the tallest one in the entire city, and the only person there dressed like an extra on “Saved By The Bell”. Because of all of that, he was already feeling self conscious before she made her sarcastic-but not comment. Violet finally understood and apologized, though her face (which looked like she had just sniffed bad cheese) remained skeptical. They agreed to put their cultural differences aside, and have dinner together, with Violet planning on wearing a sexy dress and Riley wearing…. God knows what…

Next we saw Violet in her definition of a sexy dress, waiting for Reily at the beautiful Rex Hotel (instead of a war themed restaurant, go figure). As soon as Riley arrived, Violet did a twirl so he could admire all of her lady lumps in her self proclaimed sexy attire. Reilly had to fish for his own compliment, as he impressed himself in his white suit and salmon colored shirt buttoned too high. Violet approved, and it seemed like the night was off and running. Riley began some conversation about their potential marriage, with Violet bringing up the fact that his father loves her. That was a sore spot for Riley, who was angry about the way that Violet had been contacting his own father to complain about their relationship behind his back. Reily caught himself bringing up a touchy subject, and stopped. He did, however, ask Violet if she would speak with his buttinsky friend Tiffanie, to see if maybe she could get through to Violet, who generally sat staring with her head tilted when asked a tough question. While Reily headed off to use the little boy’s room (the urinal probably looked child sized for him), Tiffanie  spoke to Violet on video chat, flattering her at first to loosen her up before digging in deep. She asked Violet why she hadn’t deleted the dating app once she was already with Riley. Violet looked around, bad cheese face and all, saying nothing, and becoming agitated. Previews show this dinner going South fast. Can’t wait to catch up with them next week, sweating and fighting in front of another military tank. 

Christian & Cleo:

It was the first morning that the two awoke together, and Cleo was feeling a bit disappointed. It seemed they didn’t have much physical intimacy throughout the night, and Cleo was worried this would be the tone of the entire trip. She did feel comfortable enough to get out her hormone gel and apply it to her skin while still laying in bed together. She explained that in Europe they use more topical medication, which of course made Christian consider the fact that touching her might turn him into a girl. Though he admitted to being attracted to Cleo’s confidence and openness, he also felt that being together in person was still a bit to get used to.
The two headed out to see the sights, with Christian ready to wing it, and Cleo hoping to keep to the itinerary to help stave off her anxiety. They strutted around town, arm in arm, making Christian feel he was part of a James Bond movie, and Cleo was his Bond Girl… which, must have been one of these new remakes. They stopped at a small, quiet restaurant for dinner and whiskey, as Christian explained he likes to get buzzed, do karaoke, and bar hop. Cleo remained shy, and was afraid to rock the boat too much by letting him know that she basically hated everything about that sentence.

The night led them into a loud, crowded bar with bright lights, where Cleo was anxiously twirling the sunflower lanyard. As they grabbed yet another drink and talked, Christian let her know a funny little incident that happened on the plane ride over (which had nothing to do with the 4 nosebleeds. Another kind of funny). He claimed to be the only one on the plane awake except for 2 twenty-something year old girls, and invited them to have a drink together, since he was buzzed anyway. The girls must have told the flight attendant, who cut him off from the mini bar. Cleo was not sure how to react to the fact that he was trying to pick up a girl on the way over, but she did try to tell him pretty directly that she didn’t think it was ok. Christian claimed he was only trying to make friends, and must have felt that way right after the conversation, as he scooted over to a group of women sitting in the bar. He began chatting them up, making Cleo even more uncomfortable than she is generally, and eventually announced she needed to leave. This whole scenario feels like Caleb & Alina from a few seasons ago, more and more each week.