Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; Episode 8

Rebecca & Zied:
These 2 were pretty boring this episode. Zied likes to litter so much while riding in the car, then he scammed Rebecca for money so she could essentially buy herself her own engagement ring. Riveting. Next week looks more interesting though. So much.

Avery & Omar:
I hate when my headstrong teenager goes against me and threatens to move to Syria…..says no one ever, except Avery’s mom. Sounds like all 30 seconds of the wedding night must’ve gone well. I was confused by her push start car reference. Guess shes not going to be dancing in the streets any time soon. Omar gets less attractive and more chipmunk looking each episode.

Darcy & Tom:
The only positive from this episode was Tom’s straight hair- I’m into it, much better. Stacy was out of control with her “I love muh man!” drunk voice. Florian in person is the Wish.com version of his photos, and then…..there was Darcy. I almost didn’t notice Darcy crying, or her cockeyed eyelash, or that close up the camera crew did of the napkin stuck to her shoe…. I was just staring at the boobs. I would’ve loved to have been drunk in Albania in that club’s bathroom that night. I would have given her the best pep talk ever. “You’re so much better than this! Your boobs look amaaaaazing falling out like that! Your sister is stoooopit and her boyfriend is an anorexic Borat! Don’t lissten to them, you’re amaaaaazing”.
But I’m here. In my pajamas.

Ben & Quinoa:
Well, Ben got the green light from the scary church elders and it would seem things were looking up. After an awkward zoo experience, he learned that Quinoa doesn’t really want to be a stepmother. I’m going to put that under the category of “Things You Should Know Before Flying to Kenya” for 500.
Then we watched Quinoa get wasted on a margarita. She was acting so annoying, I’d have second thoughts too. She and Darcy should be drinking buddies.

Jiminey Cricket & Pao #2:
Pao #2 is totally right; “Teem” is afraid to live a little. We can tell by his outfit, that he stopped living back in 1997. The UFO cargo shants, the dog tags, backwards hat, and stud earring…. Hes going for the “Pretty Fly for a Gringo” look. Chicamoka is my second new favorite word, only second to Bucaramunga. It’s too bad Tim complained about having to walk, that he was hot, that his girlfriend was hot, that he couldn’t seal the deal, and ya know…EVERYTHING. Pao #2, time to find someone more Rico Suave.

Caesar & Nobody:
If production flies this guy to the Ukraine and we have to watch him walk around by himself, I’m writing a strongly worded letter.

Angela & Michael:
And the Emmy for best on-screen trans-vaginal ultrasounds goes to…..Angela!! ( best supporting is her one egg). I’ll bring a pack of Lucky Strikes to the baby shower!