90 Day Book Report: Season 7, Episode 11

Juliana & Michael:
It’s wedding pregame time over in Michael’s house with his brother, his friend Clay, and the spike of hairgel on Clay’s head. If things get boring at the wedding, they can use it to play ring toss.
Juliana is getting wedding-ready with her 2 close friends and glamsqaud in a separate quadrant of the 80s dream house. Juliana feels really sad that her family and close friends from back home couldn’t be at the wedding, but was surprised with a super sweet video montage made by her fellow yacht model friends, congratulating her and sending well wishes. Although the backyard setup looked absolutely beautiful, I’m still not really understanding the outfit choices. Juliana looked gorgeous (well, duh) but she had this whole “royal princess” tiara and ball gown thing going on for a backyard wedding. Meanwhile, Sarah the exwife/officiant was wearing a sun dress, as were many of the guests.
We know that Juliana has had previous issues with dressing appropriately for various occasions, but it’s her wedding so I guess we can let this one slide. Just someone please remind her not to wear her wedding dress rock climbing next time.
(Also, if she wants to look like Royalty I hear there is a position available…..)

Tania & Cinnamon:
Meanwhile back in the Love Shack, Cinnamon opens the scene by serving Tania some water, at her requested “room temp”, which should technically be shed-temp, for those who dont live in rooms. Synbad decided to let bygones be bygones when it came to the car fight from last week, and agreed to do some type of astrological therapy session with Tania, and a new supporting cast member- Daizy October, or her more professional name,”Afromystic”.
She went over the couple’s “charts” to see if they were together in a past life (one life seems like one too many), or if they are “soulmates”. Tania seems pretty quick to shut that one down, by revealing that her alleged soul, presuming she has one, has previously “mated ” with her ex boyfriend’s. In essence, Cinnabon’s soul has been “friend-zoned”. The silver lining is that she does feel like his soul is a suitable baby-daddy, so there’s that.
Synonym is feeling hurt by Tania’s soul confession, and I’m thinking he should just get on the next Soultrain out of there.

Mike & Natalie:
The segment picked up where last week left off- Mike was leaving Natashala’s apartment after a big fight. (On a side note, anyone else get the feeling that the apartment was rented for the show?? There was not one thing on the walls or anywhere indicating any sign of personalization. Most people don’t live that way, unless they’re Jasmin, who probably also hates decor.)
Anyway, last week ended with Mike Bunyon folding himself like origami to get into the tiny Uber car but now we saw that Natalie joined him at the last second. Unscripted, I’m sure.The whole ride to the airport, Natalie was trying to placate Mike with awkward compliments, including but not limited to: “Your mom loves you. Everyone loves you. You’re a beautiful man.” Natalie walked Mike into the airport, and there was a lot of weird staring, baby talk with a vampire accent, and tantrums. Big Mike returned to Squeem without even kissing Natalie goodbye. Once home, he poured himself a glass of booze and hopefully didn’t have a hangover the next morning, for everyone’s favorite day of the week- pancake Sunday. Pancake Sunday is a special time, when Uncle Bo gets the whistle signal to come in the big man’s house, puts on his most patriotic bandana, and discuss life, love, and loss (both of teeth and money at the casino). I think for next Pancake Sunday, they should call Afromystic and do their natal charts, just to really get wild. I wonder if Uncle Bo and Danielle could be soulmates?? I do love a good plot twist.

Fresh Prince & Jazzy J:
Blake swung by his parent’s house to pick up Jazminion to go to his friend’s party. You know your girl took 6 hours to get her face to look the perfect amount of constipated, while Blake shows up sporting a sweatshirt and his signature Dennis the Menace and/or Rodman hair. This disturbs the queen (and we all knows what happens to those who are “against the queen”!

). She slathers on a thick layer of guilt that they dont spend enough time together as a couple not talking while eating, while being sober without any sign of seasoning. So Blake obliges to take the human icicle out for dinner and show up (un)fashionably late to Everett’s party. Blake orders some wine slushie drinks at dinner, and holds his own when it comes to choosing his friend’s birthday party over Netflix & Icy Chill-ing, and Jasmin get mad and decides to leave him to go to her sister’s house. Once at her sister’s house, she explained in a more relatable way that she enjoys a more calm, quiet lifestyle than that of her masked, social scene-queen, wine-slushie loving fiance. It made her seem somewhat human for the first time this season- whoever programmed Jasbot3000 must have updated her “emotion” app this week. I still dont get it. Like the whole thing.

Emily & The Saschinator:
Emily and Sasch are strutting around Portland with baby Dave, comparing it to the likes of South Bend, Indiana where they currently reside. They kept remarking how beautiful it is, and how many roses there are everywhere, and how it’s the perfect place to raise a family. I’d pretty much bet they were in a botanical garden somewhere, and that raising children inside the park is strictly prohibited. Emily feels getting married “ASAP” is the best route, which goes right over Saschinator’s head, or so he pretends. He seems pretty blase about the whole marriage thing. (I guess been there done that, twice?)
She later goes dress shopping with her sister, which seemed to end successfully. They may not have a location or a date, but at least Emily now has a dress. They won’t be needing a cake, because ya know Sascha will just throw it in the garbage….

Robert & Anny Poppins:
Robert, sister RobIN, and Anny met up at a restaurant with their older and wiser brother, Kenny, so he could meet Anny Poppins. Kenny was wearing a shirt with a whole paragraph screen printed on it, of which I could only read the first line; “Wanna impress me?” He likes to dress for the occasion. He had his arms crossed over the rest, so Anny couldn’t read the cliff notes. Kenny asked Anny a multitude of questions about her intentions with Robert, and implied that she may have been a “street walker” for all he knew. Robert was high-fiving Kenny throughout the interrogation of his wifey-for-lifey. This didn’t sit well with Anny, and she wiggled her pleather miniskirt out of there, stat.

Angela & Michael 4Eva:
Angela rolled up on the U.S. embassy to fight her K1 Visa, while Michael hung out on a park bench nearby. She reemerged a few minutes later with some bad news- she wasnt allowed in the Embassy and her K1 Visa was not as important as she thought. They did give her an email address to set an appointment with the embassy to seek more information on the Visa denial. I feel as though I should mention the marks all over Angela’s chest, as they were front and center as the third member of the relationship for this entire episode, but it has been said online that they were due to laser treatment for sun damage. Good for you, Ang- MeeMaw Makeover!
Anyway, Angela and Michael are prepping to go to dinner with his mother and the aunt with the 37 children. I always love when they show the Nigerian women walking around balancing things on their heads- it’s just a different way of toting!
Michael and Ang stop to duck inside some tent (which could be where “Radioshack” is now located, accent on the shack) to buy his mother a microwave. Angela was also suckered into bringing the aunt a gift as well. She packed the microwave in her bra and away they went.
Once they arrived, Angela was put to work in the kitchen, where she learned how to make Nigerian food as the most “junior” wife (at least they didnt say elder!). At the dinner table Michael’s entire family tried to pressure Angie into applying for the spousal visa, and suggested that Michael start a family with a spring chicken instead of a rotten egg. The scene kind of ended there, and I’m hoping that everyone made it out alive.

Missing from the episode were Anna and Mucinex, who were too busy crying in front of more inanimate objects.
Until next time!