Before the 90 Days; Season 8 Episode 1

It’s an all new season of my favorite 90 Day Flavor- Before the 90 Days of Our Lives. I love when we get to take trips to places I never knew I wanted to go, and I LOVE meeting a new cast of desperately hopeless hopefuls. First up was Forrest, a 32 year old man hailing from Oregon with a love for electronics. His house is rigged with all kinds of security cameras and baby monitors, which works out well for his girlfriend Sheena, who watches him daily from the Phillipines (Or the “Peens” as I call it….we’re on a nickname basis now). Forrest feels like Sheena is his dream girl, as he has based his entire home decor and lifestyle around talking to her and their virtual sexy-time. He can’t wait to meet Sheena in the real world as he is getting ready to head to “the Peens” for the first time. Forrest is bringing along his mom and stepfather for this momentous occasion as his support system, though he worries that they can be a bit judgemental.

Forrest and his mother seem to have a rather close bond, which they discussed on their way to the Adult store. Being that Forrest has Autism, his mother is very protective, realizing he could easily be taken advantage of. She confessed that this was not Forrest’s first foreign fling, as he had previously been duped by some girl in Indonesia (possible named “Mike Jones”). Once at the Adult shop, mother Forrest and the saleswoman helped him pick out a few frilly pieces of lingerie for Sheena that would really accentuate her curvaceous figure. Forest and Sheena had very openly discussed trading virginities on the trip, which hopefully we will not have to witness. Mother Forrest discussed some concerns, as Sheena’s parents seem to be a bit shady, taking Sheena’s money out of her bank account and using her, Moohamit. If Forrest needs any help navigating the Philippines, he can always call Big Ed. Or the dead rat…

The latest walking wig this season is Emma, a 27 year old med-spa employee who lives in LA with her twin sister, Izzi. After striking out in the lala land dating scene, she decided to download an international dating site where she met her new fling, Zied, from Morocco. (Our last Zied was from Tunisia, and he was so much beautiful soo maach forever). Emma planned on immediately getting engaged to her Moroccan mystery man during their first trip, which always seems like a great idea. Her sister Izzi, however, brought up the fact that this wasn’t Emma’s first Moroccan rodeo, as he was previously engaged to a Moohamitt who was a no-good user, as the story goes. Emma, however, had high hopes for new Zied, as he was less conservative and more into getting engaged. Though she had fully exposed herself via internet to her betrothed, Zied had yet to return the favor, which made her worry what he may be hiding south of the border. He had no knowledge of her previous love, Moohamid, or that he was her backup (And MaachMood was her safety). Emma’s brother and sister both joined her as she gathered her suitcases and headed off on her long flight for love.
After many hours, several makeup applications, and a few outfit changes, Emma finally returned to her old Moroccan stomping grounds. She struggled to steer her multiple suitcases while half naked, towards the passenger pickup section of the airport, where Zied was waiting, flowers in hand (ahem COLTEE!). The two were finally fake face to horse face, as they laughed through the awkwardness. Emma was instantly upset that Zied refused to kiss her in public (while she was scantily clad), and he immediately revealed his temper. This Zied appeared to be a combination of Miss Debbie’s Moohamit and Machmood. I just hope he snatches her wig off at some point.

Next there was Laura, a 47 year old teacher from Washington who is the modern day middle-American version of “Bridget Jones’s Diary”. When she’s not shaping young hearts and minds, Laura likes to dabble in writing romance novels, which are definitely NOT based on experience. She does however have a complicated relationship with her male life partner, Michael, who is only second fiddle to her latest love interest. Laura explains that she met her new beau Birkin (pronounced “Beer Can”) on snapchat, which she, like myself, had no idea how to use. The two had been communicating online for quite some time, and planned on meeting upon her upcoming trip to Turkey. Laura’s friend, Michael, seemed to have a very obvious crush on her, but had yet to act on his feelings. Laura loved spending every minute with Michael, but gave him an ultimatum, as she wanted to find a new love interest, instead of a platonic playmate. Michael broke down crying, confessing that he had shut off his feelings due to his insecurities from his birth defect (Which I’m guessing he will discuss more, but probably has something to do with his nose). Previews look like Laura and Beercan are going to get a Michael-shaped surprise over in Turkey! Can’t wait!

Then we got to meet Rick, a 52 year old hair weave salesman/ tap dancing instructor from L.A. with giant biceps. Though he had had quite a few relationships and 5 children to prove it, Rick decided to look abroad for a beautiful woman who looked just like him. As luck would have it, he came across Trish, a 25 year old twinflame from Madagascar. Though Rick’s knowledge of the African island was limited to the famous animated film, he decided to plan a trip so he could meet his doppelganger girlfriend for the first time. He was a bit skeptical about the relationship, though, since Trish had recently ghosted him for a few days without much explanation. I, for one, am psyched to go to Madagascar, because we’ve never been there, and because they like to “move it move it”.