Happily Ever After; Season 9 Episode 15

Darcey was attempting to play “Darcey Homemaker”, cooking a meal for Georgi Porgie. The two were still barely speaking (even less than usual) after the Bulgarian blunder trip, and wondered if their marriage would last. Darcey did her signature tearless-cry, which Georgi found unimpressive, even though he himself is a giant Frankenstein incapable of crying- real or fake.

The couple then suited up in fuzzy furry coats and headed back to see the family in Connecticut. They rolled up to Father Silva’s estate, where Darcey’s daughters Aniko and Aspen were waiting (Aspen sporting Darcey’s original face). Stacey and Florian showed up in equally ridiculous outfits, as the twins participated in their favorite past time- one upping each other. Papa Silva called a sit down meeting with Thing One and Two to discuss Darcey’s love life. He bluntly reminded her that having to cc him on text messages with her own husband in regards to finances is a bit of a glowing neon red flag, though she should expect nothing less, being that she’s a sugar mama. Darcey attempted to dispute the facts, though she was blinded by the many diamonds in Georgi’s new wedding band that she had just bought him.

Back at the ski lodge…. Dumb and Dumber and Dumberer were still getting pruney in the hot tub, while Yara seemed to have taken off. She was STILL upset about Jovi making fun of her old face (pre surgery), and had been crying over it for the last 3 episodes. While the men were off snowboarding, the ladies warmed up with a little retail therapy. Elizabeth admitted that she and Undrrrrrei were having a great time on the slopes and between the sheets, while Yara felt she was having more fun spending Jovi’s money on a sympathy shopping spree. Loren was there for decoration. Can we be done fake skiing yet?

Brandon and Julia were gearing up for their irresponsible European tour. Betty and Ron came over to say hello, and allegedly just found out about the couples’ plan. They were immediately concerned with Brandon’s poor planning, threatening to ground him for life. Julia was angry with their reactions, as she tried to push them further out of the couples’ lives. (Let’s be honest, Betty and Ron were there to watch the dogs…)

Jasmine was crying her false lashes off over Gino’s mean phone call. She worried that he would try to have her deported; illegitimate baby and all. Jasmine cried to Matt over a cup of Nitrogen ice cream (Which may or may not be okay while pregnant), as the two headed off to see a lawyer. Jasmine wasted no time explaining her unusual situation to the immigration divorce paternity lawyer, who seemed equally as judgemental about it as the rest of the world. She recommended divorcing Gino asap, though stipulated that it may take awhile, and probably wouldn’t be finalized until after the baby was born. Gino would then presumably be the father, since the baby was conceived during their marriage, and Jasmine could risk being deported if she was proven to have committed marriage fraud. Matt sat by with tears in his eyes, worried about the fate of his unborn child having to sport baby fedoras and live in the Panamanian themed living room. Maybe they should see an “open marriage” lawyer…