Happily Ever After Season 9 Episode 9:

Yara and Jovi were out at the dog park soliciting potential customers for Yara’s new fancy dog brand. She was about to have her big “launch party”, which involved setting up her luxury dog wares at some park restaurant for other bougie pet owners with nothing better to do. Loren stopped by under the guise of helping, but really just to gossip about Elizabeth and Undrrrrrei, who were also attending the pointless posh pup party.
Libby took her old pal Loren aside to discuss the fact that she had heard through the Yara grapevine that she had called Undrrrei a “Horrible Person”. Loren corrected her, noting that she had infact called him a “D*ck”, which is completely different. Libby (Who also thinks her husband is a d*ck, so much so that she left his moldy a$$ back in the motherland) spiraled out of control, unleashing things Loren had said about her own husband (Who is entirely beige and kind of phallic looking), defying “girl code”. I hope they were all judged by the fancy puppies as “too trashy to lift a leg on”.

In an attempt to repair their marriage, Kara and Guillermo decided to take a little couples’ weekend away. Kara curled her auburn flowy hair, which matched her auburn colored furry sweater, making her appear to have a lion mane. Guillermo was happy to see her again, as the outing started out strong, only to take a nosedive about 10 minutes into the drive. Though the conversation seemed to be light and flirtatious, Kara busted out the waterworks, as she realized her their marriage was broken and they were forcing this. Once at the vineyard, they got all liquored up and attempted to flirt. Guillermo (in his Mr. Rogers sweater) was trying to lay on the romance, thick, while Kara opted to act like an 8th grade boy and make stupid sex jokes. Even though they wore coordinating sweaters, they were definitely not on the same page.

Julia made “mixed up” eggs for her parents (That’s the Russian short order for “scrambled”) as they discussed her big fight with Brandon the night before. He returned to the house to hash things out with Julia (Which is not how they like their potatoes in Russia. They call those “hacked potatoes”). Julia was most concerned with keeping up a facade of perfection for her parents, so they wouldn’t worry with her being so far from home. Later on, Brandon and his father in law Boris were busy in the garage sweating to the oldies, when Julia reminded him it was time to stress out about the results of the fertility tests.
The two headed off alone to the clinic, without telling her parents, and found out that Julia’s fertility woes were merely one minor procedure away from being solved. Of course Julia had to freak out and question if she should move forward with solving the problem, since she was scared of going under anesthesia (And if she thinks THAT is scary, then I hope no one tells her all of the possible procedures she might need while pregnant…including the fact that the stork doesn’t just bring the baby).

Back in Bulgaria, Darcey awoke to Franken-Georgi, who was still upset about her outburst with his mother on their very first in-person meeting. She explained that she felt his mother might be able to help guide their relationship, which of course is every mother in law’s job….. The two discussed some of their issues, with Georgi uttering 10 or more words, giving Darcey hope that he was finally “opening up”. Next we saw Darcey and Georgi meet up with his father to go for a hunting trip, where she was clearly dressed for the part. “Darcey Anan Jones” showed up in her hat/fluffy coat combo, ready to accompany the men on a boar hunting adventure. They toured the Bulgarian countryside, straight out of the Grimm Fairtales, as the native wolves howled in the background, perfectly setting the scene. Immediately Darcey appeared to have another wardrobe malfunction, throwing off one of her “boots with the furrr”, due to stepping in werewolf poop, or something equally as ridiculous. All in all, the trio seemed to have had a fun day, and no boars appeared to have become a part of Boars head cold cuts. The end.

Jasmine and her non-boyfriend/baby daddy/ side piece Matt were strolling arm in arm around a charming little town in Michigan. He tried to convince her that she should just move on from her failed relationship with Gino to give their relationship a chance, especially since they seemed to already be living together, sleeping together, and had a baby on the way (Though it wasn’t talked about…but her double chin suggested otherwise). Jasmine wasn’t sure if she could be with Matt….more than she already currently was, because she was still “mourning” the loss of Gino and the entire hat collection. From Matt’s bedroom….

Back in labor and delivery, Adnan was telling the birth story of new baby Zeyn, via C-section (Ya hear that, Julia?????!!! SURGERY!). He made sure to pray over the baby immediately, loudly speaking directly into the newborn’s sensitive ears. Maybe it was the new-mom endorphins, but T-Lily couldn’t help but gush over Adenoids devotion to his baby and religion (Cue her conversion, in 5, 4, 3, 2….) Welcome to the sh*t show, Baby Zeyn!