Happily Ever After?! Season 9 Episode 5:

Darcey arrived in Bulgaria with her 9 suitcases full of the HouseOfEleven’s new conservative family-friendly line. Before it was time to dress to impress, the couple went to The Bulgarian Bed N Breakfast for a romantic honeymoon experience. Darcey decided to test out the acoustics of the room to ensure the yucky desk clerk wouldn’t be able to hear the sounds of their sexy time. Of course she had to ham it up, making ridiculous noises while thrusting her man-made body clad in a spandex jumpsuit against the headboard, causing Georgi to rethink all of his life choices.

Next the two headed off to a romantic restaurant where they dined on Bulgarian fare (Which I imagine might be like Moldovan cuisine, but with some cream puffs for dessert). Over dinner, Georgi (Who generally only says 3 words per episode) revealed that his parents had high expectations of their little “Genius Georgi” growing up, and he hoped they wouldn’t be too disappointed in him when meeting who he chose to marry. Darcey was crushed, feeling like Georgi was embarrassed by her, especially since he never reassured his parents that he was in a happy marriage. To really up the ante, he revealed his father is a profiler for the military, and knows he will be judging every fake tear Darcey will inevitably cry at their meeting. This was the most I’ve ever heard Georgi speak…. I thought he was a Bulgarian Frankenstein.

Back at the log cabin with the gourmet toilet…. Adnan was insisting that a very pregnant Tigerlily should whip up a home cooked meal of Maqluba (Which the internet tells me is also referred to as “upside down chicken”. You eat it beak-last). He felt stressed out about his move from the messy hotel room to the messy pile of logs, and was vaping incessantly in front of her, even after he had promised he would quit. Tigerlily tried to have a serious conversation, which turned into a “talking to”, though Adnan had a hard time paying attention, because he’s like 19 years old.

The next day they met up with the Father Tigerlily and his lovely wife for the very first time. Adnan feared they wouldn’t be accepting of him, based on his religion (This whole storyline is a season or 2 late, being that they’re married now with a very expensive toilet and a baby on the way). They sat down to meet at a BBQ restaurant, to really get a bit of Texas flavor. Of course Adnan mentioned he couldn’t eat pork because of his religion, which was the perfect segue into discussing Tigerlily possibly converting. Father Tigerlily and his wife being Christians were concerned he would want her to act like a traditional Muslim wife. T-Lily tried to defend Adnan, maintaining that converting would be strictly up to her, if and when she is ready (Or when Adnan tells her she has to). Tigerlily better enjoy that BBQ pork now…

Jovi and Yara were back this week, reuniting after one of Jovi’s many “on again/off again” work schedules. She expressed her feelings of loneliness in his absence, and decided to fill the void by getting a fluffy puppy, which will act more as an emotional support accessory. It seems to be perfect timing to get a dog too, since she now has started her own luxury dog collection. Jovi was hoping Yara was warming up to the idea of having another human baby, instead of a overbred toy poodle, but no such luck.

Later on Yara met up with Loren, of all people, to help take some photos for her new dog company. Loren, who is not a professional photographer, was there to discuss her own mom struggles in her relationship with Alexei, who wanted her to be more doting when he came home from work, instead of a nagging kvetch in adult braces. This reaffirmed Yara’s decision to get a dog instead of having a second child like Jovi wanted.

Gino met up with Cousin Dana (the man) and his wife Michelle to discuss his new relationship with Jasmine’s doppleganger, Natalie. They encouraged him to reconsider revisiting the relationship with the OG Jasmine, as she still claims to love him and wants to work things out. Gino seemed hesitant, revealing he had the phone records of Jasmine and Matt talking quite often, way before the stupid open-marriage agreement. Michelle insisted that Jasmine and Matt were still only friends, despite the whole sleeping together thing, and insisted that Jaz still wanted to give it another chance.

Meanwhile, best friends Jasmine and Matt were getting bestie pedicures, as Jasmine explained that Matt has become her personal chauffeur. While having their calluses removed, Jasmine told Matt about her decision to meet back up with Gino in the hopes of working things out. He tried to talk her down, reminding her of all of the ways Gino had mistreated her. He, like the rest of the world, couldn’t understand why she would possibly want to try again, especially when she had a much more attractive pedicure buddy sitting right beside her.

Later on the meet was set, as Jasmine waited for Gino at a bar, accentuating the fact that she had a glass of wine (Which obviously was to prove she wasn’t pregnant, though she had water and iced tea sitting right next to it, as well as the beginnings of a double chin). Gino strolled in wearing a goofy western shirt, immediately making a joke about Matt. The two reminisced about the good times (You know, where Jasmine threw the toothbrush in the dirt, or when she ripped his clothes out of the closet, or when they were screaming at each other in public….nevermind), as Gino said he wasn’t 100% sure now that he wanted a divorce. Jasmine cried and claimed she still loved Gino, and was only living with Matt because she couldn’t afford to live on her own, even after 4 months. She was honest about still sleeping with her new roomie, but maintained that despite living together, pedicuring together, and all of the physical contact, they were still nothing more than friends. Gino revealed his new connection with Natalie from Vegas, which made Jasmine jealous and upset. She somehow felt like Gino was in the wrong, as the open marriage agreement was only a one-way street and was not bad, because she hadn’t given her relationship with Matt a title. Also, I feel she was already pregnant during this conversation.

Brandon and Julia finally went to get the long awaited second opinion at the fertility doctor, which caused her to become extremely emotional. The ultrasound technician did seem to find some polyps amongst other things that may make it harder to get pregnant, though they didn’t say it was entirely hopeless. Julia cried multiple times, especially when they lubed up the probe for the ultrasound (which should really make her reconsider childbirth… If you thought THAT was bad, what will it be like to push out 7 lbs of Betty’s clone??)