Happily Ever After? Season 9 Episode 2:

Back on Gino’s awkward pretend date…
It seemed that Gino’s new ladyfriend Natatlie was getting along well with the mad hatter. Since she felt so comfortable with him, she asked about he and Jasmine’s last time being “intimate”, and was shocked to hear it had been an exceptionally long time. She noted her immediate attraction to his big dopey smile and infectious giggle, and readily agreed to accompany him back to his hotel room. Gino busted out some mini bottles of champagne as the two toasted to their fabulous first date. They grew closer, even landing at first base, as they slurped each other’s faces off with sound effects included.Though they were getting hot and heavy, Natalie ended the night without ending Gino’s year long celibacy streak. Gino knew he needed to tell her the truth about Jasmine and the open marriage situation soon, if things were to progress and he could round home base.

Meanwhile, Jasmine was back in Michigan hanging out with Gino’s cousin Dana(the man’s) wife, Michelle, who she claims is her BFF. Jasmine said she missed her dearly beloved, even though she was currently living with her new fling. Michelle let Jasmine know about Gino’s trip to meet his mistress, which of course led to a slew of tears. She felt this went against their mutually agreed upon affair rules, which were only supposed to go one-way. Back in Vegas, Gino had to finally explain his bizarre marital status to Natalie (who is NOT a whoo-ker!). She was shocked to find out that Gino was still in his complicated open marriage with Jasmine, especially since they had been talking for months and he hadn’t bothered to bring it up. She stayed with Gino as he packed his suitcase, unsure of where the two would leave off since he was technically till a married man. (Honestly he could stay with Natalie and tell everyone it was Jasmine on Xanax…they looked just alike, she was just so much calmer).

Back in Miami…. The dinner party from hell was still going on, with Undrrrrei managing to offend Loren’s friend, Noga, causing her to storm off while screaming. He single handedly angered an entire dinner party guest list, leaving Jovi to blame Loren and Alex for not shutting down his Moldy-mouth sooner. The car ride home involved Libby finally reprimanding Undrrrrei about his behavior, but only mildly. Instead of being appalled by Undrrrrei, she blamed Loren’s friend, Noga, for being so offended by him and making a scene. She also felt Loren did a crappy job of refereeing the dinner soiree, while Undreeei talked smack about Loren and Alexei’s interior decor. I’d take a Swanson’s Frozen dinner over that mess any day!

Darcey was joined by her counterpart Stacey this week, along with her friendly undead husband, Florian. They were getting ready to celebrate their 100th birthday (Since they’re both turning 50, and look like vampires made out of plastic). On their way to their big twin birthday bash, Darcey complained about Georgi’s request for her to dress more demure on their upcoming trip to meet his family in Bulgaria. She couldn’t understand why Georgi would make such a request (As her giant nipple-less “twins” were about to escape her sheer corset top). Georgi was noticeably missing, which Darcey explained was due to his demanding work schedule. Though they were married, she didn’t seem to know what he did for a living, let alone how much money he made or what was even going on. Once they arrived at the swanky party, the twins began to work the room. Darcey kept glancing over towards the door like a puppy waiting for it’s owner, and felt relieved when Georgi finally made his appearance. She gave him a brief lip-pursing/eye roll combo as they greeted each other somberly. Darcey noticed Florian and Stacey seemed to be partaking in a lot of PDA, which really made her competitive side show. She immediately grabbed Georgi and tried to almost comically suction her oversized life raft lips onto his face, hoovering him into a lip lock of deranged twin make out competition.(I guess it’s pretty bad when you get less affection from your husband than your sister does from an undead vampire).

Tigerlily joined the show this week, explaining that a lot had happened since her last season. She had moved into a log cabin which she and Adnan were slowly renovating to their standard of luxury. She was joined by her hair and makeup team, Shay and Cruz, who got an exclusive tour of the new rustic palace, including T-Lily’s $12,000 toilet, which doubles as the fountain at the Bellagio. Tigerlily was excited that it was almost time for Adnan’s U.S. arrival, especially since she was very pregnant with their first child together. Though she couldn’t wait to be together, she seemed a bit concerned about Adnan’s insistence that she convert to Islam, as he planned to raise their child with his faith. Though she seemed okay with having the baby be Muslim, Tigerlily didn’t seem so sold on the idea for herself.

Next we saw her waiting with black balloons (Probably Gucci) at the airport for Adenoids big arrival. Though they were so glad to be reunited, Adnan’s controlling machismo immediately kicked in, as he insisted on driving Tigerlily’s Lamborghini home. She tried to take the reigns, being that he had just gotten off of a 30+ hour long flight, but he refused to be seen having a pregnant woman drive him around, as it could ruin all 30 seconds of his street cred. As Adnan navigated the unfamiliar Texas highways, he was shocked to see a thunderstorm rolling in, yet still maintained he needed to be the chauffeur.

Kara and Guillermo were attempting to salvage their marriage with a family outing to a peach orchard. Guillermo complained that he hadn’t had a bite of Kara’s peach in several months, and was hoping the quality family time would rekindle their flame. Kara felt that one of their main issues is that he doesn’t support her budding Buchata singing career (And I’m not sure if I spelled that like the gooey ball of cheese, or the Latin music genre). She made an effort to invite him to one of her shows, which he begrudgingly accepted in an attempt to bachata her later. Though things seemed to be looking up, Kara got emotional discussing their recent bout of couples’ counseling, where Guillermo refused to say he loved her. He tried his best to apologize, claiming to be upset at the time, but she seemed to have been badly hurt. Looks like next week there will be a Gino/Jasmine show down!