90 Day Fiance; Happily Ever After Season 9 Episode 1

Well it’s time for everyone’s least favorite spinoff; Happily Ever After. The series where a bunch of recycled couples no one asked to see come back to haunt us like a bad dream.

The first and most notable example of this were Elizabeth and Undrrrrei, who are currently still in Tampa with their two kids, Eleanor and Winston (Who looks exactly like her father, Chuck. Either Chuck looks like a chubby baby or Baby Winston looks like a sweaty retired contractor from Florida). While on some kind of kid-oriented novelty pirate ship boat that was not really discussed, the couple talked about a possible move to Undrrrrei’s homeland, Moldova. Elizabeth was unsure if she’d be able to hack it in the Moldy O, especially if they don’t have dishwashers (Their version is an angry woman named UlgaGru with one eyebrow who washes your meat jello off of your dishes with disdain).

Next uncalled for couple were Darcey and Georgi, who were found running around a funhouse carnival, where all of the workers seemed to have used Darcey’s plastic surgeon as well. Though her 50th birthday was on the horizon, Darcey claimed she felt and looked younger than ever before. She took a walk down memory lane, explaining her on again off again relationship with the ever-expressive Bulgarian beefcake, Georgi. After 2 breakups, 27 plastic surgeries, and 3 failed attempts at being a singer/song writer, the couple finally tied the knot and were coming up on their one year anniversary.

Back on the Miami beaches were Jovi and Yara, who were playfully making sand castles with their little girl, Mylah. They explained that their relationship was in a decent spot, since they’ve agreed to consider having a second child, maybe, sort of …one day. Yara was also proud to announce her latest new business venture; Luxury puppy outfits, which was inspired by her own imaginary dog….because she doesn’t even have one. She couldn’t understand why Jovi wasn’t supportive of her nonsensical passion project, as he questioned if she’d thought everything through. Yara complained that since picking up and moving to Miami she hadn’t made many friends, especially any mom friends who were also on 90 Day Fiance. Coincidentally, LOREN, or Loren and Alexei, boring us for 300 seasons straight, lived close by in Hollywood, Florida to fill that void. They went to a dinner party at Loren and Alexei’s house, along with Elizabeth and Undrrrrrei (Who drove 6 hours for the super-staged occasion). Elizabeth revealed the couples’ Moldy moving plans, leaving Loren and Yara in shock. They felt it would be quite a hard adjustment as an American, and encouraged Libby to “Just say no”. Undrrrrrei hung out with Jovi and Alex, managing to annoy them right off the bat as he played out his “uber alpha male” persona. Loren’s friend who was also in attendance was triggered by Undrrrrrei, and left after a brief screaming match. I’m not even sure what everyone was so mad about…. Elizabeth is the one who has to deal with the Mold-man.

Back like a bad rash were Jasmine and Gino, who just won’t quit. Their story this go-around started 7 months prior to their last “Tell All” appearance where Jasmine debuted her baby bump. This time Jasmine was meeting up with her permitted sidepiece, Matt, who she was picking up from the airport. She explained her and Gino’s disastrous open marriage, resulting in getting kicked out of the townhouse she always hated. Since she was now homeless, Jasmine decided to shack up with Matt, who seemed happily indifferent to have her around. She claimed to want to try and work things out with Gino, even though she was living and sleeping with a whole other person. Gino decided to explore his side of the open relationship by heading to Vegas to meet up with some woman named Natalie, who looked like a Larissa/Jasmine hybrid. He awkwardly made conversation, as the two drove off to spend some quality time together. She took him to an “ice bar”, where Gino watched her sensually lick an ice sculpture as she took a shot. The date went so well that the two ended up sharing a kiss, sure to blow your hair back (Or hat, in this case).

Then there were Kara and Guillermo, who hardly anyone remembered. Kara was the “tripple threat” (Singer/dancer/balloon artist) who married her younger boy toy from Colombia. The two had since gotten married and had a baby, but were struggling to keep the magic happening. They had sought out therapy and were currently sleeping in separate rooms. Kara felt like she was the only go-getter in the relationship, as she was the primary breadwinner. Though Guillermo aspired to become a pilot (this week), she claimed he never follows through with anything ….like balloon archery. Or professional salsa dancing. Or winning American Idol (But I guess we won’t bring all of that up). At this point, I can only look forward to seeing the Jasmine/Gino demise play out, with a side of Darcey falling over a lot and making a fool of herself.