90 Day Fiance; Season 11 Episode 13

Mahdi & Stevi:

Since they were pressed for time, Stevi had to rush order a wedding dress and decided to give Mahdi a fashion show. Unfortunately for Stevi, Mahdi felt like the dress made her look old, which is exactly what every old bride-to-be wants to hear.
They then took off once again to New Orleans for their pre wedding festivities with a bunch of Stevi’s friends. Mahdi seemed to be nervous about the potential debauchery that would inevitably get them arrested a minimum of 50 times in Iran. Mahdi invited a virtual friend of his own, Saeed, who he knew through the online language learning classes where he had met Stevi. He was happy to have some alone time with Saeed to discuss some of his issues with Stevi’s love for the “fine arts”. Saeed agreed that all of the in-person boobie painting was a bit “haram” and encouraged Mahdi to ask his future bride once and for all if she had any other interests in her subjects beyond the still life.
Stevi joined Mahdi and Saeed to have a little fun touring Bourbon Street (Without Jovi, who could have told Stevi where the best boobies were in town). While Mahdi was staring at something and not blinking, Saeed took the opportunity to tell Stevi she was being selfish and needed to consider Mahdi’s feelings. Previews for next week show Mahdi evading arrest yet again as they hit up a burlesque act.

Shekinah & The Sarper Image:

The dynamic duo were spotted atop a mountain on a scenic hike where they discussed their current relationship status. Apparently after their big discussion last week, Sarper (Who had been camping out on the facial table downstairs) had snuck his way up to the top floor and the two had made another notch in Shekinah’s headboard. Though she admitted they definitely had “chemistry” together, she felt there were still several other areas of their relationship that needed improvement.
Later on it seemed that Shekinah called a handyman over to fix a few things around the house, all while she was wearing a blonde wig. Sarper was a little concerned by how attractive the handyman was, especially since in Turkey the fixer uppers are all fat guys without belts and “Fork butt” (which roughly translates to “plumber’s crack”, and I’m so glad that’s an international stereotype. I mean if we could all come together on that, world peace may be possible). Shekinah assured him that having a hot handyman was just part of #LALife. She explained the need or the wig was due to hair loss caused by Sarper practicing his comedy routine constantly.. It was a good thing he WAS practicing that routine, however, as we later on saw him make his big debut.
Shekinah decided the blonde wig was most appropriate for such occasions, as they met up with her plasticized friends to act as his personal laugh track. Unfortunately her friend Dan (the French Bag-git) showed up to act as Sarper’s #1 heckler. Sarpie watched all of his opening acts, growing more and more nervous, until it was finally showtime. Most of Sarper’s routine centered around male and female stereotypes, somehow bringing his arch nemesis Dan into the mix. Though his bit seemed to lose something in translation to the American audience, most people seemed to be confused enough to give a courtesy round of applause. Shekinah whisked him off stage and out of sight, embarrassed by his act, while Sarper seemed exhilarated, feeling the allure of the stage. Personally I didn’t understand a lot of what he said, but I would definitely green light the sitcom “Sarp-Feld” any day of the week.

Mark & Mina:

This week was Mark’s “S9”th birthday (Or at least that’s what the personalized pancakes Mina made had spelled out in whipped cream). In honor of the momentous occasion, Mark decided to fly the family over to Boston where they would meet up with Mina’s sister who was sprouting up from Brussels. Mina’s brother was also supposed to come to town just in time for the wedding, along with her son Clayton, whose Visa was still in limbo. She worried that if Clayton was not approved, she would have to move back to France and cancel the wedding. Mark offered to keep baby Maria in the U.S. if Mina were to go back (After all, he finally invested in a Graco carseat), but Mina shot that idea down quickly.
After arriving in Boston and getting settled, the two went out to dinner where Mina nervously asked Mark if he would legally adopt her son as a condition of her signing the prenup. Mark quickly and easily agreed, putting Mina’s mind and wig at ease. I really hope there’s a new wig for the wedding..

Matt, Amani & Any (Nuthin’ But Thrupple):

Back at the meeting with Any’s ex boyfriend Rey (Who may or may not be Mother Asuelu in disguise…), Amani was delving deeper into Any’s past. It seemed that Rey had been with Any for a while, met all of her 3 kids and even discussed getting married. He then revealed her true name was Brenda (reliving the preview that’s been shown for weeks now). Rey also disclosed that BrendAny was still legally married, which seemed to be a roadblock in their own relationship, let alone in the thrupplehood. Amani called TheGirlFormerlyKnownAsAny asking her to come meet up for dinner, and conveniently failing to mention everyone in attendance. Any finally walked into the restaurant 45 minutes later wearing high heels and a hair bow, shocked to see her tiny-headed ex at the table. Amani greeted her with a “Hello, BRENDA!”, as Any stood there speechless, asking Rey in Spanish to fill her in on what was going on. Amani started asking her a barrage of questions as of course they ended the scene with a whole lot of nothing revealed. If Any is now Brenda, would this now be considered a Quadrupple??

Jessica & JuantanAmerica:

It was time for the pre wedding festivities, as Juan and Jessica set off for their joint bachelor/bachelorette parties in the exciting town of Deadwood, South Dakota (It has the reputation of being more fun than a cruise ship, but less fun than Torrington, and yet somehow already has the word “dead” in the title). Jessica’s mom, BFF Megin and her husband Herbie were accompanying the couple to stay in the large AirBNB. Juan’s older and wiser cousin who lived in Nueva York (That’s “New York”, Kenny. Come on….) also joined in on the fun, arriving just in time for a group trip to Mt. Rushmore. Unfortunately the presidents weren’t in the forecast that day, as they were covered by rain and fog.
As Juan drove separately with his cousin, it gave them a chance to catch up after 20 years apart, and discuss his current life dilemmas. Juan confided that he wanted to run back to the cruise ship, citing money and sunshine as the reasoning, when in reality, it was probably also the lack of household doors and over abundance of cow fecal matter that were really influencing his decision.
After their attempt to do something educational, they headed back to the BNB where Jessica was surprised with all of her local Torrington gals who love to overuse their Beachwaver hair tools.
Jess’s friend Megin gifted Juan with a custom made t-shirt starring Jessica’s face so there’d be no way he’d forget about her and go full blown “Luiz” (At the strip club. Which definitely is one of the most iconic 90 Day scenes). Herbie brought Juan and his cousin to a western style saloon to check out the Deadwood burlesque act, while Jessica and her girlfraaans were out saving a horse and riding a cowboy. It looked like they were all having so much fun, soo maaach more than on a cruise ship. Back at the bnb, the fiances retired drunkenly to their bedroom, where Juan decided to kill the buzz by bringing up the great return/escape to the mothership. Jessica immediately got upset, making it known she would consider him a piece of ship if he left again. All I know is, this is the most I’ve written all season about these two ship for brains, and I think they will begrudgingly get married. The End.