Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 11

Jasmania & GeeKnow:

Back in Michigan, Jasmine was determined to whip Gino into shape while she simultaneously trained for her new beauty pageant career. She barked instructions at her Gringo Bonito as he tried his best to beef up his chicken legs. As they relieved a little tension punching, kicking, and hitting things, they also aired out a few recent grievances. Jasmine was upset to learn that Gino hadn’t paid for her pageant entry fee and insisted he quit his unemployed lifestyle and get back to work (I guess we’re conveniently forgetting about paying for a lawyer for the kids, but I don’t care about the kids…. Because Mother Asuelu). Gino tried to pin his lack of employment on his dedication to settling Jasmine into her new surroundings, though this only fueled her anger to Hulk status. She felt like Gino was trying to control her, but mens doesn’t control me……Because Juliana (If ya know, ya know). Seeing that fighting clearly burns more calories than working out, Gino insisted the two leave the gym, dragging Jasmine out before she had finished working on her butt implants. 
Even though he seemed to be in a rush to get home, Gino suddenly got a hankering for a smoothie, insisting that the two stop for a delicious treat. Jasmine was annoyed that he managed to find the time to sit down at Jamba Juice instead of letting her finish her workout.

The fighting escalated quickly, as Jasmine accused Gino of trying to control her every move, while Gino felt Jasmine was ungrateful. In the end, Jasmine ended up throwing her smoothie at the Mad Hatter as she screamed, dousing him with the fruity blend. She also took off her new gym shoes he had purchased and tossed those in his direction before stomping off into traffic, wearing nothing but socks, as she headed home towards the Panamania-themed townhouse.
Gotta love a good 90 Day “drink in the face” moment. It’s basically how you know you’ve made it in the franchise! 

 

Angela & Mykol:

Speaking of throwing drinks at people…
Meemaw waited anxiously at a restaurant, hoping to hear from Michael about his big Visa interview. She nervously asked the French-speaking waiter for a beer in her best “Kenny does French”-way, while the man stared back blankly for a minute, before switching to speaking English. 

Michael finally arrived on the scene (Interrupting her wait staff fraternization) as Angela jumped up to meet him, demanding to know the Visa status. Though it was hard to understand, Michael tried his best to explain that he had not been denied, but was rather deferred for another two weeks. Angela couldn’t understand why he had to wait so long, as she pondered how the court could possibly be holding up people’s lives so carelessly. She had hoped Michael would have been approved as planned so the two could return to Hazelhurst together, instead of going back home alone (Doing her best Macaulay Culkin “Home Alone” face…but with a cigarette). Michael assured her it would be fine if she went along without him, which made her “Meemaw senses” tingle. She squinted at her long-distance husband with doubt, asking him again to explain why the Visa decision was going to be delayed. Michel lost about 30 lbs in water weight as he sweated like never before. He went on to say that since they had not received an interview date in Nigeria (After already being denied twice), HE opted to move the interview to Azerbaijan to get it done sooner. Of course this was a contrast from his initial story that the embassy had moved the interview date, and now Angela had caught him in a lie. She freaked out realizing that the decision to take matters into his own hands could have possibly cost them the Visa and 7 years of waiting for nothing. She stomped off to take her aggression out on a pack of cigarettes while claiming she was Mother Debbie DONE. 

 

Big Ed & Liz:

Back in Arkansas, Ed decided to take a break from feeling bad about his breakup with Liz (…Or need for a cleaning lady) and met up with his real estate boss lady. The boss, Mitzi (Who had a fabulous “Kate Plus Eight” haircut), showed him the ropes, making sure the little Egghead understood the basics of loving it or listing it.

Meanwhile, Liz was back in San Diego getting ready to see her daughter Ryleigh off at the airport as she was on her way back to Europe, where she mainly lives with her dad and stepmom (Who hopefully have never even heard of Taco Pasta). Liz checked in to make sure Ryleigh was okay, despite her horrible Summer vacation, and was surprised to hear her daughter say that she would actually miss the Mucinex man (But I’m just guessing it’s because she likes to be the tallest in the room and now she won’t be anymore). 

On the way back from the airport Liz called her mom for a good cry, blaming herself for ever thinking moving in with or marrying Ed was a good idea. She felt stupid for having given him so many chances, as everyone nodded in agreement. Liz was embarrassed, as she knew she now had to go back to Arkansas and pick up the pieces of her shattered “Mrs. Big Ed” dreams. A round of “I told ya so’s” for me and my friends!!

 

Patrick & Thighs:

Pat met up with Brother John in Brazil (FINALLY!) as the two decided to go grab a drink together … .conveniently on Thighs’ birthday. John felt he didn’t need to call Thais to wish her a happy birthday, since his presence would be gift enough. 

As John and Pat sat down at the “bah” (That’s BAR, Kenny…it’s not even Spanish. You can’t even understand Bawstun accents..) Patrick unleashed all of the drama he had encountered with Father Thais and the infamous “Blessing” as well as his own father who was ready with his “Patty-do” list. While Brother John in all of his infinite drunken wisdom agreed that Father Thais was being ridiculous with his “belated blessing” request, he did feel that Father Patrick was taking advantage of Pat, using him as extra muscle for chores.

The two headed back to the apartment where an annoyed Thais awaited. John luckily remembered to wish her a happy birthday right before letting her know that her gift was his ever popular wit, which she would now get to enjoy in the apartment since he’d be staying with them for the next few days. Thais looked mad as expected, as she stomped off to the bedroom alone, to presumably do some “retail therapy” online by ordering more flesh toned bodysuits. Looks like next week there will be more dad drama for all parties involved. 

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Ashley & Manuel:

After the disastrous trip downstate, Ashley was back in Rochester and ready for an IV infusion to regain her witchy powers. She discussed her most recent Manuel Mayhem with her cousin, including the fact that he had been asking her for large sums of money to send back to Ecuador. She didn’t even need a tarot card reading to know that the Manuel secrecy had been triggering her abandonment issues, which she felt stemmed from being the product of teen parents who split up. Ashley’s mom had lied about her biological father for years, and he unfortunately went on to commit suicide once she was a bit older. She felt Manuel should be more understanding of her past and act open and honest, instead of lying about his wife and children back in Ecuador. Cousin Ashley felt it was important for Ash to ask for a postnuptial agreement, in order to protect herself should Manuel try and fly off on her favorite broomstick.

After her vampire transfusion, Ashley met up with Manuel for a little outdoor dining experience (Which always seems like a good idea until the bees show up). They went over her conversation with her cousin, as Manuel insisted that he married her for love, not dinero. He did however agree to accompany her to a lawyer, if for no reason but to ease her mind. Previews for next week show Ashley revealing that she’s in about 100k of debt….. Because crystals aren’t cheap. 

 

 

Loren & Alexei:

It was finally time for the patient to return, as Alexei led Loren back into their chaotic home. It was Rosh Hashanah (The Jewish New Year) and he felt it was important for the family to all be together. Mother Loren was waiting at the condo to judge her daughter’s every moan and groan, as she helped Alex clean up the joint. He left to go pick up the three gremlins, warning them not to use their mommy made-over as a jungle gym. The kids were nervous approaching Loren in all of her bandages and gear, but eventually managed to say hello, as she sobbed with a giant bun on top of her head.

Later we saw Loren, her parents, the kids and Father Alexei around the table as they celebrated Rosh Hashana. Mother Loren made a few passive aggressive comments in regards to Loren’s decision to get all of her body work done at once, before telling her she isn’t allowed to complain, since it was her choice. Loren felt overwhelming guilt, which was nothing compared to her pain from the surgery. She excused herself and went back to her bedroom, where she could complain quietly to herself. 

 

 

Emily & Kobe:

Mother Emily-with-the-good-hair was right where we left her; Fighting the good fight to establish that Emily is nobody’s property. Seeing that the “Knock-Door” was turning into more of a knock-down drag out fight, Kobe decided to interject. He eased the Family Emilys’ minds by explaining that the whole “owning” Emily situation really just meant his family would be responsible for her and accepting her as their family member (Something must have gotten lost in translation). Hearing this new version made The Parents Emily feel relieved, and they happily agreed to hand over their list of demands. At the end of the day, they decided to sell her for a whopping $2 USD, some cooking oil, and an original Chef Boyar-E home cooked Cameroonian dish. Emliy waited anxiously for her new family to choke down their first bite of her feast, and was greatly relieved to hear it passed the taste test (Good thing she ordered that take out! I wonder if they caught on…). Kobe was happy that the “Knock-Door” went so well and that he only now had to worry about fixing the issues with his Emily-hating friends.

Later that night when they had a moment alone, the couple reviewed the “Knock Door” happenings, and Emily seemed fairly content being Kobe’s property.  Though everything seemed status quo, Emily for some reason was fixated on knowing the truth about Kobe’s ex girlfriend, proposing that they all meet up for lunch so she could get some answers. 

(Isn’t Emily his property now?? Couldn’t he just tell her to relaxth??