Happily Ever After; Season 8 Episode 9

Emily & Kobe:

This week we saw Emily & Kobe heading to the bustling Cameroonian market to buy a few things for their upcoming “Knock-Door” ceremony (Which unfortunately didn’t seem to include outfits for her father).  Though there were no livestock purchases, they did manage to stock up on a few icky looking things and some vegetables so Emily could prepare a traditional Cameroonian meal.

Back at the AirBNB, Kobe showed Mother Emily-with-the-Good-Hair their finds for the day. She seemed underwhelmed by the “cow’s skin” as a dinner ingredient, feeling like the couple may have taken a wrong turn and shopped for dinner necessities in the rawhide aisle at Petsmart. The family were then joined by Kobe’s sister, Francisca, who attempted to give Emily a crash course in cooking a la Cameroon. After struggling to debone fish and pluck some leaves from a plant, Emily was hoping she might get away with making some meatloaf and calling it a day. Unfortunately Kobe informed her that the Cameroonian Swedish Chef portion of the trip was kind of a right of passage, and she needed to prove herself once again. Aw Shuckths….

Later on, Kobe and Emily sat down with her parents to discuss the “Knock Door” ceremony details. Father Emily (Who was taking a break from his job as a style icon), pulled out his handy notepad so he could read off his list of demands in exchange for Emily’s hand in Cameroonian marriage. Kobe was thrilled that his Father in Law understood the assignment, as he had listed cooking oil, a big stick, and most importantly- a goat (Please secure all pinky toes safely in your shoes, folks…looks like there’s a trip to buy livestock coming our way!). Kobe did however note that the only thing missing from the list was a dollar amount.  Emily’s mom with the good hair was super uncomfortable with the idea of selling off her daughter (and probably mad she hadn’t thought of it a lot sooner). She felt the tradition seemed a bit “human traffick-y” and was hoping she could opt-out on principle. Unfortunately Kobe let her know that this was an important part of his culture, and that she must accept money for Emily’s hand in marriage to ensure it will be successful. I say just take the money and put it towards Father Emily’s fashion fund….. Saber tooth tiger necklaces are not cheap these days, thanks to inflation……

 

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

Being that they’re awful, Rob and Sophie headed out to see a therapist. The session started out on a positive note, with Sophie apparently not knowing how old Rob was, shaving off an extra year. She then went on to tell the poor therapist about the couple’s constant arguing and of course the online cheating. She went on to explain Rob’s affinity for costumes during intimacy, with Rob confirming by drooling over the idea of Sophie dressed up as Velma from Scooby Doo (Kind of odd, but at least he wasn’t into Scooby Doo himself…). Sophie got upset, revealing more about Rob’s online scandals, which included asking women she felt looked like “bodybuilders” to send him nude pictures. She felt insecure, being that the online content he was knobbing to did not match her look, and needed more reassurance from Rob that he was still interested, even if she wasn’t dressed like Hulk Hogan or a cartoon. He seemed to open up for a bit, complimenting Sophie’s round attributes, which brighten her mood. The therapist encouraged them to kiss, which apparently hadn’t happened in awhile, as she felt they needed to “keep their passion alive”. And wear costumes. And just break up. 

 

 

Loren & Alexei:

Alexei paced around the waiting room with his usual deadpan expression as he anxiously awaited the end of Loren’s procedure. He called Mother Loren to give her an update, as she’d been a nervous wreck about the surgery idea in general. 

About six hours later, Loren made it through her surgery, having pre-ordered herself plain toast to arrive right on time. Alex spoke with the nurse about all of the post-op care he would need to provide, starting to really worry it was going to be quite the workload.

In the recovery room, Loren was confused and mummified with bandages, talking crazy and asking if she looked “snatched” (I’m guessing that’s the first thing Darcey and Stacey ask when they wake up from their procedures too). Eventually they made their way from the doctor’s office out to the car, where they drove to a nearby hotel for the rough first few nights of recovery.

This would have been much more interesting if Darcey and Stacey themselves could have come to town to hype Loren up….perhaps a singing performance? How about some “snatched” HouseOf11 custom surgical bandages (If they start making those, copyright Shmerica). 

 

 

Ashley & Manuel:

After their fight last week, Manuel went to meet up with his friend Johnathan to talk things out….because apparently he talks…to anyone that’s not Ashley. Ashley met up with the two guys on the streets of Newark so they could all discuss their incessant fighting, which you know will inevitably lead to more fighting. 
Poor Jonathan sat in the middle listening to these two go back and forth over who has trust issues, and who doesn’t communicate. Manuel was quick to get up and toad-hop away from the conversation, claiming he felt his marriage was doomed (At least his marriage to Ashley…not sure about the one back in Ecuador). Too bad they couldn’t just pop into a Starbucks bathroom and bang things out (In New York they make you buy something if you want to “problem solve” in the bathroom). 
Manuel eventually returned to the table, hoping Johnathan,the resident therapist, would have worked his magic. Unfortunately Ashley was getting even more angry, feeling like Manuel never takes responsibility for his mistakes. She took her turn walking off and got into an Uber, telling Mauel he needed to do the same. After making a few snide comments, he eventually got into the Uber where the fighting could be heard over the drone of noise from the elevated trains. 
We’re going to need a super-sized stack of tarot cards, all of the aliens, and all kinds of crystals shoved in all kinds of places to fix these too, STAT.

 

 

Big Ed & Liz:

Ed and Liz finally found a suitable location to discuss their awkward one-sided breakup. Ed explained that he felt their marriage would have ended in a divorce, so he decided to quit while he was ahead (Not aneck….*rimshot*). Liz was afraid that Arkansas Big Ed (allegedly the better version) would have no problem finding another woman. Ed reassured her that she needn’t worry, as he’d always be an a$$hole (No reassurance for the rest of us was needed). Liz cried over losing her egg-shaped fiance, as the two parted ways to presumably both head back to their joint house.

Previews for next week show Mother Liz getting involved as the two attempt to divy up their worldly possessions with Ed’s self analysis holding true.

 

 

Jasmania & Gee-Know:

Down in Miami it was time for Jasmine to attend her beauty pageant classes. Gino decided to stay for moral support, though he didn’t need to say much. The fellow pageant classmates were poised, beautiful, and obviously there just to prop up her self esteem. Jasmine talked about her alopecia, which of course led to her signature crying. She loved every minute of attention and encouragement that her fellow beauty girls provided, as they swarmed around her with their pageant-approved “Chicken Soup for the Soul” words of encouragement. 

Later that night at Leandro’s house, Jasmine decided to make her famous “Jasmaritas” in honor of their last night in town. The three all “cheersed” to Jasmine’s 37 “anus” (Which was supposed to be “37 anos”, Kenny, but much like yourself, Gino mispronounced it, accidentally saying “cheers to Jasmine’s 37 asses” which would total approximately $407,000 if all had implants). Gino stopped talking and took his place as grillmaster, while Jasmine and Leandro played ladder ball. Jasmine brought Gino into the conversation to let him know she was inspired by the beauty pageant class, and was ready to get her “HoneyBooBoo” on. Gino worried that this new pageant interest might have to come to a halt if Jasmine got pregnant, which was a great segue for her to tell him she had changed her mind. Gino seemed shocked that Jasmine was reneging on the attempt to create baby Jasmo, as he stormed off into the house alone.

 

Patrick & Thighs:

After the sweet & salty meeting with her dad, Thighs was starting to feel frustrated with Patrick. She was annoyed that he didn’t just apologize and ask her dad for his blessing on the spot, but rather wanted to wait to ask him on his own time. Patrick insisted that the “asking of the blessing” would feel forced if he had just done what the man asked then and there, and insisted he would bring it up when the timing was right. 

Feeling like things were a bit tense, Patrick proposed he drop Thighs off at the apartment with the baby and dog, alone, on her birthday so he could go meet John who was arriving at the airport. Though this game plan of leaving one’s wife on her birthday while she was already annoyed sound like an amazing idea, for some reason Patrick was getting the sense that Thais wasn’t a fan.
Can someone land the plane faster??? This storyline is falling apart faster than a Boeing 737. We. Need. John.