Love in Paradise; Season 4 Episode 1

Luke & Madelein:

Madelein is a 19 year old gal from Colombia, living her own version of “Clueless”. She explained meeting Luke, her 30 year old American boyfriend who generously keeps her in a teenage lap of luxury. Madelein lives in her all-expenses paid apartment with her albino Pomerenian, “Angel”, and a few life-sized stuffed animals. Perhaps one of her favorite gifts given by her Amrican suitor were her “boobies”, which help to fill out her large wardrobe of spandex.

Back in L.A. we got to meet Luke, a mining engineer and business enthusiast. Luke seems to take a note from “Tim” in the fashion department, as he has a penchant for furry man-coats, and meticulous guy-grooming. He explained that in an unfortunate recent turn of events, his financial situation seemed to have crumbled, and he was hoping that Madeleine would take the news well (Like any rational, mature teenager would). 

Before his trip to Colombia, Luke discussed his recent financial woes with his close, male friend who pointed out that Madeleine seems like a bit of a golddigger. Though Luke admitted that his Colombian co-ed rather enjoys lavish gifts and being a kept woman, he was committed to the relationship…..So much that he actually went out and tattooed her name right next to “Little Luke”. Though he knew his financial issues could be a bit of a deal breaker for his new fiance, he still wanted to move full steam ahead with his trip, hoping or the best.

My first takes? Luke is kinda creepy and Madelein is the “Veruca Salt” of Colombia.

Ani & Kyle:

Ani is a 39 year old woman originally from Berlin, who decided to settle down on the island of Malta during the pandemic. She shares her new home on the magical Mediterranean island with her young uber-blond son Emiliane, but has yet to find a “prince charming”. 
Unfortunately Ani was working on a tight deadline for her man-hunt, as she really wanted to have a second child but had yet to find the other half of DNA she would need. Ani went on a dating app and randomly found Kyle, an American man who….also really likes babies.

Kyle explained that he is a “digital nomad”, which really means he’s able to travel the globe as an online accountant working from wherever there is Wifi. Though his love of accounting is evident, his second favorite activity is donating his sperm. Kyle bones up on supplements to ensure his swimmers are in tip-top shape to make his contribution to the human race. He uses his social media accounts as well as old-fashioned word of mouth to further his specimens, and charts all of his offspring on a map. Though business seems to be booming for Kyle, his love life has definitely been going swimmingly, as a lot of women have a tough time with his line of work.
Kyle explained that Ani initially contacted him in regard to sperm, but they both soon realized they had a deeper connection. Kyle was looking forward to flying to Malta for the couple’s first meeting but worried that she wouldn’t be able to accept his “hobby”. He explained that unlike most sperm donors that donate anonymously at a clinic, Kyle offers a more personal experience, such as collecting the specimen in a cup for the woman to inject with a syringe, and also the good ole fashioned intercourse option. The cameras were in fact interviewing him as he was waiting for an intercourse donation, which he swore was merely a business transaction. 

Later we saw poor Ani waiting anxiously at the airport for Kyle to arrive (He was busy on the plane with the Mile High donation, totally different method and an upcharge). Upon their first awkward meeting, Kyle began explaining his “point system”, where Ani has to earn fictitious points to win him over and receive any type of affection. Ani found Kyle to be quirky and assumed he was kidding, but looked a bit shocked as he continued to spout off more condescending and ridiculous requests and specifications. 

Here’s to hoping I never end up in a room full of Kyle offspring requiring me to do earn points for a hug.

Shawn & Alliyah:

Shawn is a 61 year old hairdresser living bi-coastal in the US. Though he had been married in the past to a woman, he admittedly likes to try new things. Shawn tried out an *Say it with me now* INTERNATIONAL DATING APP where he came across Douglas, a gay man from Brazil. The two hit it off (despite their almost 30 year age gap) and had maintained a long distance relationship for three years. On one particular trip, Shawn and Douglas were invited to appear on a float for a gay pride parade, when Shawn suggested Douglas try wearing one of his wigs. Since he already dabbled in wearing makeup, Douglas decided to give it a try, and the rest was history. He felt like he had come out of his shell, and started sporting some wet & wild corn row locks asap, coining himself “Alliyah”. Though Shawn seemed supportive of Doulgas’s transformation, he wasn’t sure if he was completely ready to be with full-time Alliyah.

As Shawn was busy preparing for his upcoming visit (By getting blonde highlights), he discussed his fears that the Douglas he fell in love with could be gone forever.