Happily Ever After; Season 8, Episode 4

Ashley & Manuel:

This week, Manuel decided to take Ashley to church so she can exercise her demons. Though the service was entirely in English, Manuel managed to follow along and even participate (his English prayers must have included his favorite phrase; “Chicken and rice”). This time Ashley felt like more of a foreigner, as she was unable to even decipher what a bible was. The nice Spanish-speaking deacon came over to chat with the couple and discuss how they could help resolve some of their religious differences. As Manuel explained the situation, the deacon at first seemed to be okay with most of Ashley’s shenanigans. He did, however, feel like some of the rituals may be taboo for the Catholic faith (Like sex-o en el bano…. You don’t know that one, Kenny. Armando is not about that life) .

Next we saw Ashley and Manuel packing for their big trip to NYC to meet his elusive family. He briefed her yet again on hiding her sorcery, in hopes that his family would accept her. Since they finally hit the road, Manuel decided to give Ashley the address where they planned to meet his friend Johnathan (Who had to endure the coffee shop bathroom incident). It seems he confused having family in New York City for having family in Newark (New Jersey), which would now be quite the schlep from their pre-arranged hotel room in Queens. Ashley kept calm about this revelation, probably glad that Manuel didn’t think his family lived in “Chicken and rice” (Can’t wait for him to find meet up with his family at Penn Station…..Since there’s one in New York and one in Newark. Okay, that’s legitimately confusing….)

 

 

Nicole & Soo MaaaachMood:

After having been threatened to have his “a$$ sent back to Egypt” within 30 hours of his arrival, Maaachmood went AWOL. He left his orange-haired praying mantis standing on the Santa Monica pier, pacing around with a wide eyed stare. She finally tried calling MacchMoody, who eventually cooled off enough to meet back up. The two fought back and forth for awhile on whether or not Machmood could handle being with someone who wasn’t Arab, as Nicole’s lack of strict adherence to the rules seemed to break his brain. 

Back at the apartment, Maaachmood prayed as Nicole played Amish woman, spinning her skein of yarn. She explained that her degree of Mulimness was going to remain a -5, and she was never planning on revisiting her burkini from last season and was choosing fashion over functioning relationship. She asserted her independence and decision not to live like a traditional Muslim wife, hoping Maaachmood would play along. He seemed to feel like he was trying to loosen his religious reins, but felt he needed time and compromise. (And for the mannequin next to the refrigerator to stop displaying full-frontal…..Soo Maaach Haram!)

Later on the couple were attempting to meet up with The Friends Nicole for dinner plans. Unfortunately Machmood was in the midst of a tantrum, as he was unhappy with Nicole’s outfit choice, which displayed 4.5” of her bare back. He pouted in the living room next to the picture of the hairy bush, as Nicole tried her best to convince him to tag along. 

Previews for next week show Nicole and her friends ambushing Maaachmood at the apartment (I hope they didn’t catch him doing anything inappropriate with the mannequin…like yelling at it to cover up).

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

Sophie sat around some fancy pool with her new found girlfriends (Including her secret girlfriend Kay). The ladies all giggled as they took in a little “Rob” bashing, since none of them seemed to be a fan. Sophie let her coven know that her best friend Callum from England was coming to town, and he may or may not have a crush on her. 

Rob arrived to crash the pool party wearing an unbuttoned collared shirt with his 5 chest hairs front and center. Kay grilled him on his jealousy issues as he maintained he was only in attendance for Sophie’s sake, as she had asked him to be there (Every party needs a pooper, that’s why we invited you….). Just when the conversation couldn’t get more awkward, Sophie’s faroff friend arrived, clearly making Rob even more uneasy, as he coined Callum a “hot guy”.

As they sat down to get more acquainted, Rob couldn’t help but feel left out of the British Besties’ inside jokes and fond memories of their joint “days in Portugal” (Which seemed to be some kind of romantic code-speak). Callum revealed that the two had dated when they were very young, which was something Sophie had previously neglected to mention. In Sophie’s overly lined eyes, she had a fling with Callum when she was like 14 (So…recently) and wouldn’t even consider him an Ex. Rob felt like this news was all too much to process, as he excused himself to go to the “bafroom”, but really went to complain to production in the hallway. 

The deception mixed with the excessive use of toilet paper might just be enough to Make Rob the Knob Sob. 

 

 

 

 

 

Emily & Kobe:

This week kicked off with Kobe going to the most hip barber shop in Cameroon to have his hair twisted. His guy pals soon joined him to discuss his new life in America (Because everyone knows the barber shop is the best place to talk smack). Both of Kobe’s friends (Valery-the guy, and Alowishus) could not believe he wanted to deal with a domineering American woman, as opposed to their traditional African wives who wait on them hand and foot (Even if said foot is missing a toe from wearing Adidas slides to the livestock market in Nigeria…if ya know, ya know). Kobe defended his marriage, asking that they give Emily a chance and not judge her by any stereotypes but rather by her big fat mouth once they get to know her. 

Next we saw Emily and Kobe go out on a rare date night to a little local cafe. As they sat and talked, Emily seemed slightly annoyed that she was hotel-bound all day with the kids, while Kobe was out and about with the car. She then interrogated Kobe about his barbershop gossip, but was taken aback to hear that his friends felt she was bossy. She was even more bothered that Kobe seemed to agree with his friends, and worried that they were now putting doubts in his head about their marriage. All of this “Bossy American Wife” talk really put a damper on the date night, as Emily twirled her hair back into her standard mom-bun, declaring “THITH NIGHT IS OVER” 

Jasmania & GeeKnow:

After last week’s fight over the Visa not including her children, Jasmine headed off to a shipping place to mail out a guilt-laden care package to her ninos. She was met there by Cousin Dana’s wife, Michelle, who she had become close with. As Michelle helped her pack up the goods, Jasmine unleashed her frustrations with Gino, who she claimed has been ignoring her ever since he stood up for himself in the coffee shop. Michelle was very empathetic to Jasmine’s plight, offering to have Cousin Dana (the man) speak with Gino to encourage him to be more sensitive towards his new bride. Jasmine hugged Michelle as she cried in Mailboxes, Etc., which was a new place she had never cried before (Same tears, different scenery).

Later on we saw Gino tooling around with Cousin Dana (the man) in his cool-guy muscle car. After the two’s joy ride, Cousin Dana asked Gino to help him wash the car (it’s the least Gino could do, poor Dana has to endure all of this). Dana let Gino know that Jasmine was seriously considering going back to Panama, and tried to help him to see things from her perspective as a mother. Gino seemed to take the hint, promising he would speak with her and try to resolve the issues so they wouldn’t ruin all of the progress they had made. 

The next day, Gino and Jasmine solemnly went over to meet up with their wedding photographer to get their wedding photos. The meeting came at an awkward time, since things between them were still tense (Poor photographer…no chance at upselling). Jasmine was emotional looking at the pictures from their big day, excusing herself to walk outside and get some air. Gino thanked the photographer as he hit the streets to look for her, eventually catching up down the block. Jasmine felt like though she had made many empty threats before, this was the first time she was seriously thinking about reclaiming her status as a Panamaniac for good.  The question is…..where will she cry next?! I’d like more of a rural setting, please. 

Big Ed & Liz:

It was the fourth of July in Arkansas, as Liz and Ed were prepping for their big BBQ. Little Ryleigh was in the opening this week, admitting she felt Ed was annoying, which received a standing ovation from every viewer at home. 

Liz was hoping that Ed could maintain his attitude, being that her parents and grandparents were all coming to the shindig from afar. Also in attendance was Ed’s cute little bite-size mother, Norma, who greeted the Family Liz warmly. Ed explained that he had recently reconciled with his mom, who had stopped speaking with him over all of the couple’s moronic drama. Ed tried to convince himself, Liz, and most of their family that they were finally in a better place, and would hopefully be lighting off fireworks instead of shooting them at each other.

While he was making himself a plate to “stuff his neck” at the buffet, Ed was startled by Mother Liz who asked to speak with him privately. Ed tried to reassure his future mother-in-law that the therapy from their appearance on “The Last Resort” was the key to saving their pitiful relationship. Liz’s mom felt Ed was being genuine, and hoped he continued to try and be a better partner to her daughter, who for some reason seemed intent on marrying him. (Why does Mother Liz look like a combination of Liz and Ed??) Can we I can not believe we will have to sit through another 15 or so episodes of this.