90 Day Fiancé; Season 10 Episode 17

Nikki Exotica & JustIgor:

Justin was busy blow drying his man-coiffe while wearing his very own custom Nikki Exoticca t-shirt (All while pulling his pants down slightly so his buttcrack aligned with Nikki’s cleavage on the t-shirt…. Proof after 17 episodes that he might have a personality after all).The couple seemed to be in a good mood for a change, as they performed some Moldy-mating rituals after Nikki’s impressive performance at the engagement party. Unfortunately all good(ish) things come to an end, and it was time for Nikki to take her show on the road. 

Before the two headed off to the airport, they stopped to say goodbye to Mama Timberlake. She gifted Nikki a random bag of sparkly things, which was reminiscent of white-footed slime mold; A mold specimen that has a sparkling effect (Moldy fun-fact of the week).

After all of the couple’s incessant fighting and drama, it seemed that the two were ending the visit on a positive note. They kissed goodbye at the airport, as Nikki set off for Newark, leaving her man and her meat jello behind. 

Unfortunately it seems that the wave of calm was short lived, as previews for next week suggest Mr. Timberlake may be done with his melodious songbird for good. (Probably for the best that he waited until she left to break things off, being that he said he would miss her “right hook”)

 

 

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

With only 5 days until the wedding, Sophie was busy finishing up a few last minute details. She was joined by her mum, as the two headed off to shop for her bridal bouquet. The helpful sales girl asked Sophie about her color scheme for the big day, which of course she had no idea about, since Sister “The Knob” (Who we met 32 episodes ago) was planning the whole event. They settled on a pink and blue combo (Probably left overs from some random people’s gender reveal party). As they shopped, Mother Sophie tried one last time to talk some sense into her young daughter, and talk her out of going through with the marriage. She feared that Sophie felt marriage would magically change Rob into a new person (with a more enjoyable personality and indoor plumbing), and that she’d just be unhappy and disappointed. Despite her best efforts, Sophie felt confident in her decision to move forward with becoming “Mrs. The Knob”.

Twas the night before the wedding, and Sophie had planned to have heq 3rr mum spend the evening at the throne-less palace to make things easier, logistically for the morning of. Upon entering, Mother Sophie was appalled by “The Knob’s” lackluster greeting, and inability to rise from the futon to say hello. He eventually acknowledged her presence, as he got up to take out a blow up mattress for her night’s stay, and dropped it to the floor. Before Mother-Soph could respond to his obnoxious behavior, Sophie escorted her out to the courtyard to get some air. After unleashing some frustrations about Rob’s horrible personality,  Mother Sophie cooled down, admitting she could be a bit “prickley” at times.
In the meantime, Rob thought it best to chivalrously inflate the air mattress, as it was the least he could do (literally the least). Upon reentering the mosquito netting, Mother Sophie pretended to be impressed by Rob’s turn down service, and did her best to stay positive about her dorm-room-esque slumber party. 

Previews for next week show a wedding finally happening, but suggest it might be missing Sophie. Here’s to hoping she didn’t have to use the outside bathroom to get ready for her wedding day!

 

 

 

Sam & Citronella:

With the Muslim Bar Mitzvah/Wedding ceremony out of the way, it was finally time for the couple’s American wedding. Father Citra was a little concerned over who would be officiating this momentous occasion being that Sam was now a devout Muslim, and being married by Christian pastor was a big no-no.  With only a few hours until the ceremony, Sam was going to have to scramble to find a last minute officiant fast, to avoid the blue balls of the century. 

Sam was getting ready with his brother/best man, Tim, and explaining his officiant dilemma. As luck would have it, Tim mentioned that their other brother, Luke, was ordained by the church of the Internet (non denominational), and he was clearly available, as he was already seated at the wedding venue. Feeling relieved, Sam headed out on the lawn to formally ask Luke to perform the wedding, and was thrilled that he accepted. Though he didn’t have a speech prepared, Luke was dressed for the part, wearing his finest suit/backwards baseball cap combo.
Unfortunately Sam had failed to cancel the original Pastor he had hired, who showed up to grab his pink slip. Sam awkwardly thanked the pastor (who didn’t even have on a baseball cap, and clearly wasn’t the right choice). Herman felt much more comfortable with Brother Luke filling the position and the wedding was once again “game on”.

Father Herman walked Citra down the aisle in a rather loud conversation print shirt, as they met up with Sam and his scrawny brothers three. Just as Cyber-pastor Luke began the show, Sam interrupted in order to re-propose to Citra. He let the guests all know that his original Indonesian proposal did not include an engagement ring, but since acquiring one from the pawn shop, he wanted a do-over before saying “I do”….(like 5 minutes before. Better late than never). Luke  quickly googled “how to perform a wedding ceremony while wearing a baseball cap”, and did a bang up job reading from his phone. 
The couple were finally pronounced husband and wife, as they headed to the porch of the airbnb for the reception. Though it was nice to greet their guests and thank them for attending, Sam was more interested in consummating the relationship. He carried Citra into their honeymoon suite, and hopefully ended his blue balls streak.

Mazel tov, to the happy couple! I was going to get them a toaster, but wasn’t sure if you’re allowed to use them in jail. Just in case, I got a 6 pack of honey buns (which can be traded as currency), and wrote a 5 star review for Luke’s officiant services on Yelp. (He can pass the hat around for tips after the ceremonies)

 

 

GeeKnow & Jasmania:

It was finally time for Jasmine and Gino to tie the knot! Gino was preparing for the big day at the venue with Cousin Dana and his niece, while Jasmine hung back at the town house (aka Panama, since the flags were still strewn all over the living room for some reason).
Gino was overly prepared, as he had 2 backup hats in the event that one blew off during the ceremony. He was met at the venue by his sweet Uncle Marco, who was shocked that this momentous occasion was even happening. 

Meanwhile, Jasmine was busy perfecting her wedding day look with a low, sleek bun. She was unusually calm as she placed a call to her sister back home to show off her bridal beautification. Of course Jasmine had to shed her signature tears, feeling sad that her family couldn’t be in attendance. Sister Jasmine assured her that they would be looking on via satellite (and probably playing a secret drinking game; Take a shot for every time Gino does “baby talk” and take 2 for every nervous giggle). 
Later at the bridal suite, Jasmine pulled herself together and got into her wedding dress, looking like Panama Bridal Barbie. She was especially touched that Uncle Marco (Who bears a striking resemblance to the original Chuck E Cheese) had offered to walk her down the aisle. The two strolled arm in arm down the scenic path where a fedora-clad Gino was anxiously waiting (Take a shot for the giggles!). He awkwardly complimented Jasmine upon her arrival, as the officiant (who was also not Muslim) began the ceremony (They should’ve asked Brother Luke if he was available. He, much like the groom, is also a hat enthusiast). Much to my surprise, Gino somehow managed to fumble through his vows, which were less cringey than expected. He was majorly upstaged however by Jasmine, whose commitment speech to Gee-Know was heart-felt and void of any mention of “Den”. The two were finally pronounced husband and wife, as Gino jumped for joy (I was slightly surprised they didn’t perform the “Panamaniac toothbrush throwing” tradition, which is usually at the end of the ceremony. Clearly this officiant knew nothing. Luke would have really nailed that one).
After the wedding nuptials commenced, the couple joined Gino’s family for cocktail hour to thank them for attending the wedding that no one thought possible. Jasmine expressed her heartfelt gratitude for the family’s acceptance, and followed the sentiment with an off-putting announcement; She and Gino planned to start making a baby ASAP! (Guess Gino was too cheap to book a band or dj, and baby-making would have to serve as wedding entertainment). Though it was the mental picture no one asked for, Gino’s family pretended to be excited and cheersed to the happy (for now) couple. 

After making everyone lose their appetite, Gino and Jasmine were whisked away by the photographer to partake in their wedding day photos. Gino did his best to look less goofy than usual posing next to Jasmine, but was caught off guard when she asked him to take a picture without his manta de seguridad (That’s “security blanket”, Kenny, and I’m referring to his hat).

Gino very hesitantly agreed, revealing his wedding-day dome, fully equipt with his signature fuzz in the back. It was truly a wedding day miracle!
Mazel tov to the happy couple!! (I was going to buy them a toaster, but I didn’t want it on my credit card in case Jasmine threw it in the bathtub with Gino during her episode of “Snapped”. You know they always trace these things back to the purchaser…..And I know a new Sonicare toothbrush would get thrown right out the window)

 

 

 

Clayton & Anal-i:

Anali had completely shut down after Clayton’s reaccion negativa last week (That’s “negative reaction”, Kenny, and he basically bugged out about the stripper situation). She called in a life line in the form of her mother, explaining the situation and her hesitations about moving forward with the wedding, which was in like…..4 hours. 

Clayton was thrown off by Anali’s reaction during their fight the night before,  and was hoping she still planned on following through with the wedding. Though she was only in the next room, he wanted to respect the tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding, and opted to send her an apology/wedding day text.
He was then joined by his friend Kameron, as they headed to the venue to make sure things were set up. Clayton was pleased with the look of the ceremony site, even getting very emotional seeing the memorial seat reserved for his older brother who had passed away in a car accident a few years before. He broke down crying, overwhelmed by emotion and fear, as he still hadn’t heard back from Anali and wasn’t sure if he had schlepped the guinea pigs all that way across state lines for nothing. 

With only an hour until show time, Clayton was starting to go into full on panic mode. It appeared the guests had begun to arrive, including Mother Cupboard (Who got a half rate deal on the janitor’s closet at the Red Roof Inn). Clayton tried to consult with his mother over what to do about Anali’s tardiness to their wedding, though she seemed unbothered and figured she was possibly still getting ready (Or hopefully doing some last minute research on how to properly cook cheeseburgers). Sister Brandi was also less than helpful, as she added fuel to the fire by reminding her brother that the bride was an hour late. It’s a bit unclear why the two ladies in Clayton’s life couldn’t possibly check on the Anali’’s whereabouts, especially once Clayton got that “guinea pig in headlights” look on his face. 

Previews for next week vaguely suggest Anali might be a novia fugitiva (That’s “Runaway Bride”, Kenny. And I’m mailing you this life size painting I had commissioned of the guinea pigs if the wedding is canceled!)