90 Day Fiancé; Season 10 Episode 15

Clayton & Anali:

It was the week of the wedding, and luckily, the guinea pigs had adjusted to their new temporary environment….because they were obviously VIPs (Very Important Pigs). Anal-i was busy getting all dressed up for her bachelorette extravaganza, unsure exactly of what Sister Brandi had planned. It finally dawned on Anali that she wouldn’t know any of the attendants of her own fiesta (That’s “Party”, Kenny.. And Brandi planned on inviting some of the strippers Armando recommended from Mexico City, but only because Sarper was booked). 

Clayton was oblivious to his sister’s plans, but was ready to cut loose and have a wild party of his own, which could be noted by his signature flamingo print collared party shirt. He invited his newly in-person best friend Kameron to come over and do cannonballs in the Airbnb pool. They bobbed around in inflatable donut rafts, splashing each other and playing “Marco Polo” before drying off to go play video games. It was really the bachelor party every 4th grade boy dreams of… including the pet guinea pigs.

Anali arrived at Brandi’s place, shocked by her level of commitment to a theme. The house and yard were littered with phallic paraphernalia, which was exactly what Anali had hoped for. She was whisked off on a party bus where a stripper awaited (And luckily they had him dressed as a “SWAT” Officer instead of an “ICE” agent). There was a lot of flapping and flopping as the stripper whipped his appendage all over the bride-to-be, while she took photos and selfies when she thought no one was looking.

After a few laps around the block and several man-meat slaps to the face, they returned to Brandi’s house where the party continued. The girls took turns chugging beers, managing to get covered head to toe in the process. Once Anali was good and buzzed, Sister Brandi took the opportunity to ask about her true feelings in regards to her roommate- Closet Mom. Anali confided that she was hoping she and Clayton would be able to move and leave the Closet Momster in the apartment as a souvenir, as she wanted more privacy in the marriage, and less pressure about cooking hamburguesas con queso (That’s “cheeseburgers”, Kenny, and it’s the preferred dinner of Closet Creepers). Brandi hoped her brother could finally separate himself from their clingy closet matriarch sooner rather than later so he could try and live a semi-adult lifestyle for once (that is, if you discount the pool party and class pets gone wrong). Maybe it was the penis decor or the booze, but something made Brandi get emotional, as she and Anali seemed to finally understand each other.

Unfortunately previews for next week show Clayton throwing a tantrum over the stripper’s shlong-flogging, and Anali threatening to become a novia fugitiva (That’s “Runaway Bride”, Kenny… I can’t keep doing this for you).

 

Rob the Knob & Dollar Store Daenerys Targaryen:

It seems like last week’s pep talk from Mother Sophie was not as effective as one would have hoped, as the two were on their way to go wedding dress shopping. Sophie noted that she hadn’t heard from her “Knob-to-be” since she departed his dive, but had caught a passive aggressive Instagram post he had made about their current situation, because maturity is truly his strong suit.

Despite the groom being a toolbag, the duo kept to the program and arrived at the LA bridal boutique. Sophie first tried on an aetherial styled dress, which made her look like Daenerys Targaryn from HighGarden. Though both she and mum approved, they continued on with the fashion show. The second dress was supposed to be more of a “beach vibe”, but ended up looking like “Daenerys does Dorne”, which her mom decided looked too much like a hooker (Good thing Natalie wasn’t there… You know she gets crazy when she hears the word “hooker”). Dress number three was more of a “King’s Landing” look that made Mother Sophie tear up. The two decided it was just the right look for Sophie to make her biggest mistake in. 

After finding the perfect dress for the pending wedding, Sophie and her mom went back to the hotel room where she finally decided to call Rob. Sophie asked that he pick her up from the hotel, as he enthusiastically as ever agreed. With only a few minutes until departure, Sophie decided to tell her mother about her pointless bisexuality. Mother Sophie didn’t bat a fake eyelash at the sexuality reveal (Because she’s not a regular mom- she’s a cool mom), but was more concerned than ever that her young daughter was committing herself to marry A Knob when she hadn’t yet experienced a pocket door….or some other knob-like innuendo.
Sophie went on to further confuse everyone by claiming she always pictured herself marrying a man, though confirmed her bixsexuality as an idea she had never really physically explored or intended on exploring. Her mother felt the wedding timing was even worse now after hearing this useless development, but there was no more time to talk, as Rob was honking the horn outside the hotel. The mummy-daughter duo said goodbye, as Sophie went downstairs to ride off into the sunset, back to the throneless castle….(Maybe she thinks she’s bisexual because Rob has a high ponytail?!)

 

Nikki Exoticca & Igor Timberlake:

Back in the Moldy-O, Nikki was taking her sweet time getting ready for the big engagement party. JustIgor seemed to be in a playful mood (sometimes friendly robots get that way), as he joked around sweetly while she curled and set her extensions. Though they both noted that the relationship was not perfect and there were still a lot of things that needed fixing (Like the whole “Justin not being able to come to terms with Nikki’s former man-status” thing), they agreed to go forward with the engagement party…probably because they were hungry for meat jello.

Nikki granted her Moldy-Man permission to go to the restaurant before her so she could finish her 2 hour transformation. As she put the last round of spackle on her face, Nikki spoke with her friend Chanel back home, who wanted to check in and see how the trip was going, as she had heard some rumors from Mother Nikki that there was trouble in Moldy paradise. Nikki explained that though things weren’t perfect, she still feels like she is making the right move by staying engaged to Justin, as she felt her dating pool was more shallow than her judgment in men.

Nikki finally arrived at the restaurant, grabbing everyone’s attention as she made her grand entrance. Her crystal beaded dress mesmerized Justin, as he noted it was “filled with shinies”- his favorite. She worked the room, charming all of the guests, who began to beg her for a live performance (Because never forget, every season of 90 Day has at least one aspiring musician). Nikki played coy before busting out the microphone to treat all of the Moldy eardrums to her nasal musings. JustIgor watched in awe (probably still hypnotized by the shinies), as he was finally proud to be with Nikki. After the performance, the audience was all checked for otomycosis, a mold-like fungus that can grow in one’s ear canal that requires medical attention (Moldy fun fact of the week).

 

Ashley & Manuel:

It was finally time for the couple to head to West Palm Beach, Florida so they could become esposo y esposa (that’s “Husband and Wife”, Kenny. You could at least have known one of those words since you are one….).

Once they landed in the sunshine state, they made their first stop at Publix (as one does. Hopefully Ashley and Manuel didn’t take their “Where shopping is a pleasure” slogan too literally!). While the bride and groom stocked up on snacks,  Ashley’s friends and sister were busy getting the AirBNB decorated as a surprise. They also invited Manuel’s friend Johnathan, who agreed to attend, so long as he didn’t have to wait outside of a public restroom for one of the couple’s “therapy sessions” ever again.
Both Ashley and Manuel were touched by the gesture, as they know most of their friends and family had concerns about their marriage, but went through all of the trouble of wasting dinero on party decorations anyway.
Later that afternoon the whole crew set out on a celebratory boat ride to kick off the wedding weekend. Though they were having a great time in sunny South Florida, Manuel began to get homesick and sad, thinking about all of his family back in Ecuador. He hoped that eventually he could bring his kids over to live with them (and hopefully bring his wife as well). Ashley tried to reassure her greasy-haired raincloud, hoping he’d cheer up and avoid having a tantrum at least until the wedding. 

Later on the group set off to the strip club, with Ashley wearing some green spandex outfit that really showcased her nooks and crannies. Manuel was finally starting to loosen up and have a good time, so Ashley decided to excuse herself to have a chat with her friend Alysia. Apparently Alysia’s husband, who is also one of Ashley’s best friends, refused to attend the wedding since he had reservations about the way Manuel had acted. Ashley wanted to update her friends that Manuel had really been making progress and opening up to her, even letting her speak with his family (Earlier that day after day drinking on the boat). It was important for Ashley to let her friends know that she intended to incorporate Manuel into the group friendship, despite the fact that they despised him since they weren’t blinded by bathroom sex. 
They returned to the strip club to finish off their night of green-spandex debauchery. Looks like next week is the big wedding day! (I’m definitely not buying them a tostadora…That’s “toaster”, Kenny.)

 

 

Sam & Citra:

Being that the wedding was right around the corner, Citra thought it might be a good idea to get a wedding dress. She took along her two evil sisters for moral support (and to snicker at her while she’s in the fitting room), which was very different from the Indonesian tradition of going dress shopping with the groom (who just talks about his blue balls the whole time). Of course her sisters were the worst hype women to bring along, as they sat expressionless for the entirety of the shopping excursion. Citra found a straight, fitted dress that made her look like a life-size paper towel roll she thought Sam would find “hot”, and was finally wedding-ready. Citra seemed nervous about the wedding and conversion, feeling like they were rushing things due to the time constraints of the Visa.
Meanwhile, Sam and his mom DeeDee headed off to the pawn shop to find the perfect ring for Citronella. After selecting some “hot” merchandise freshly stocked by a fellow “suboxone medicine user”, Sam made sure to confirm his mom would be coming to the wedding. Though she vowed to be there, Deedee was not shy expressing her hesitation on attending the Bar Mitzvah, as she didn’t feel anyone should have to change their religion for the sake of marriage. Sam asked that his mom put aside her differences (And horrible wig) if only for a few hours to be supportive of her son (Though the wig would help her fit in at temple).

The next day, Sam and Citra took her family out to the countryside to the Airbnb they had rented for the wedding. Father Citra was very impressed with the large farmhouse, hoping Sam would be able to buy the couple a similar estate after their marriage (He did say he’d be in a “big house”, technically….). Father Citra took his daughter aside to find out the real deal about Sam’s past with drug addiction. Though she tried to sugar coat his previous misgivings, the seasoned police officer saw right through it. He asked that she come home to Indonesia and act like the aliens, fly paper, and blue ball were just a bad dress, but Citra refused. Though he may not be great at filing paperwork in a timely fashion and can’t be bothered to google “Things Muslim People Do”, she still felt like Sam genuinely loved and cared for her and wanted to stand by her man. 

Can’t wait for next week’s ceremony! (See, Ma?? 90 Days is culture!)