90 Day Fiance; The OTHER Way; Season 5, Episode 13 Recap

Shekinah & SarperImage:

After being exiled to the couch, Sarper woke up with lower back pain (though that could just be a symptom of one of the numerous STDs he may be experiencing after being with 2500 women). Speaking of all of his past relations, Shekinah wanted to sage Sarper’s man cave and man-parts to cleanse him of bad energy (Though I think a shot of penicillin would be more effective. Also, didn’t Dempsey and Statler just do this on “Before the 90 Days”??? Are there really 2 crotch-sagings this season?!)

Sarper thought that Shekinah was joking about replacing his overworked mattress, but quickly realized she meant business. As a solution to the whole “the mattress is lava” scenario, he offered to let her sleep directly on top of him, but then realized she may be a bit too heavy, as she wasn’t currently making her goal weight. Being a personal trainer, Sarper has a lot of opinions and preferences when it comes to the weight department, and had no qualms about asking her to jump up on the scale. He encouraged Shekinah to lose about 4 lbs so his dream girl could be at his dream weight, which she thought was “just the personal trainer side talking”/ After that, the two were getting ready to head out for the day (hopefully going to “Rooms to Go” Turkey to shop for a bedroom set). Sarper helped Shekinah pick out her outfit and makeup, while she claimed to enjoy his interest in all things beauty related. 

After he finished playing real life Barbie, Sarper took his picture-perfect princess to tour Turkey, starting at the Grand Bazaar (One of the world’s first malls and home of the most authentic Turkish Sbarro’s). They stopped in one of the stalls to pose for some obligatory Instagram photos (which Shekinah immediately filtered), though Sarper seemed hesitant to post. Shekinah felt his concern over going public with their relationship was a red flag, and wondered if he was still seeing one of the 2,500 women he had been with. Sarper tried to spin the desire to be more public about their relationship to make it sound like he was trying to protect Shekinah from his gaggle of crazy stalkers, who he feared would also stalk her life on the boardwalk (Because he’s actually a Turkish disciple of Pauly D from Jersey Shore. Also, I’m assuming going on an international television show might be a more grand way of notifying any past/present stalkers to start their engines….)

Later on they took a scenic boat ride, but there was still residual tension from the social media drama. Sarper attempted to appease ShekEYEnuh by posting a picture of them together on his Instagram story, though it didn’t go over as well as he’d expected. She felt an Instagram story was a fleeting message, and she deserved at least a solid post as his declaration of love, since she moved to another country for him and all. Sarper admitted that he was new to this whole monogamous relationship thing and was learning to take baby steps. He felt she should have been overjoyed with his half measure (As he sat by the edge of the boat wearing a red blanket over his shoulder, flowing in the breeze, as if he were a giant human red flag). 
The bottom line is if you want a healthy and successful relationship, you should definitely let your man-friend weigh you, choose your hair color, pick out your clothes, and sleep in his syphilis ward, as long as he posts an overly filtered photo of the two of you pretending to have fun. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Dan-yell & Yo-ho-han:

Speaking of personal trainers… Yohan was at the gym with his cousin, discussing the woes of his awful relationship. He felt that after 3 months of living together Daniele should have at least  bought them a house and car, instead of renting month to month. Cousin Yohan felt he was getting the short end of the stick, having married an American woman and getting only an adorable innocent puppy that asked for none of this back in return. Apparently Cousin Yohan felt that the only perk of marrying an American is to harvest the American Dollar (a sentiment he shares with a few fellow countrymen/women). Yohan concurred, and decided he was going to confront Daniele about stepping up her game so he could be treated like the rare exotic palm tree that he is. 

Next we saw Yohan took some action steps by telling Danielle he’d like to buy a car. Though she felt it wasn’t the right time to be making a large purchase, Daniele schlepped along with the puppy to a car dealership to appease him. The used car salesman showed them a series of used cars for over $29,000 that may or may not have worked. Danielle and her ridiculous extensions refused to be taken for a ride by the salesman (both monetarily, and physically …because none of the cars worked anyway). Knowing there was no way she’d be driving off into the sunset, she asked the salesman for some privacy to chat with Yohan. Daniele explained she didn’t see the need to buy a car at the moment, especially since neither of them had the financial means. Yohan blurted out the fact that he felt she was keeping him in the DR where there were less opportunities, so she should be responsible for paying for everything. Unfortunately Daniele did not agree, letting him know that he must have picked the wrong American, since she was unable to make him a kept man. Next time on “When Sanky Panky Goes Wrong”…..

Karmando:

It was finally time for Karmando’s Mexico City adventure to come to a close. They loaded up their pups and belongings to make the trek home, with Armando seeming to have a change of heart. It seems that the strip club really won him over, and he had softened to the idea of making the move. 

Of course during the lengthy car ride they had to discuss the surrogacy topic yet again, with Kenny finally coming around and agreeing a baby Karmando could be a possibility. Armando clapped, having gotten his way, and looked forward to having “the cutest little family”. Though Kenny was still very much concerned about having a baby because of his age factor, he didn’t want to let it stand in the way of Armando’s happiness (Though from the looks of last week, I think he’d find plenty of “happiness” in the club……)

TJ & Kween Kimbally 2:

Continuing from last week, Kimbally and TJ were still on the phone, trying to decide the future of their relationship. TJ was attempting to break things off only a few days before their wedding, due to the fighting and family drama. The final straw was when Kimbally had been rude and disrespectful to him in front of her parents, which he obviously found horribly embarrassing. Though Kimbally possesses many “clairs”, she never saw a breakup coming. She cried in her mismatched outfit and infuriating socks, sucking up to TJ and begging him to stay together. 

Ultimately they made up, and previews suggest they managed to make it to the Big Fat Indian Wedding (I guess they had under 6 diarrheas so they had to go through with it…Mother Smitt rules).