Last Resort; S1, EP1:

Well, it seems the geniuses behind the 90 Day franchise decided to add yet another ridiculous show, this time with a handful of the dysfunctional couples on a therapy retreat in the Florida Keys (Like a “Celebrity Boot Camp”- “90 Day” mashup). The roster included the dreadED Big Ed & Liz, Joooveee & Yara, Kalani & Asuelu, Angela & Mykal (via satellite) and Molly & Kelly.

Ed & Liz were the first to arrive, explaining that they managed to rekindle their romance after their embarrassing 400th breakup on their last Tell All. Kalani, Asuelu and the pajama brothers (who were not wearing pajamas!!) arrived next, looking forward to enjoying a little beach time. Molly and her ridiculous pink sunglasses showed up alone, citing problems with her boyfriend Kelly, especially since they already broke up. The relationship had recently taken a nosedive, but the two singles agreed to both attend in the off chance they might be able to fix their broken relationship. Yara took time from giving everyone in the Ukraine a sweater to attend relationship bootcamp with Jovi, who was most likely excited about the open bar. The resort is Yara-approved, which is saying a lot, as she’s a bit bougie. Yara felt the biggest relationship issue with Jovi was that he’d been pushing her to have a second child, though she was n ot ready. 
Kalani and Co. entered their suite, reading the brochure that outlined the stupid couple’s activities that they’ll be forced to participate in. Asuelu and his pencil-stache began to cry, explaining that their marriage was in a bad place since there were issues with infidelity. 
Meemaw arrived, in all of her infamy, explaining to both production and the front desk staff her strained marriage to Michael, who is still in Nigeria. She hoped this retreat (by herself) would help her decide if she should leave Michael- who is not there.

The couples all had a chance to mix and mingle, taking time to introduce themselves. Molly and Kelly awkwardly greeted each other, as they hadn’t seen each other in awhile and weren’t quite sure how to act. Kalani was psyched to see Meemaw roll up, as she had an appreciation for her blunt honesty and outlandish ways (I get it, Kalani, I do too). 

A little while after the fun stuff, they sat down with the retreat therapists, one of which was just that old bat, Jenny- Mrs. Sumitch if you’re nasty (Budget cuts.. I think it was from the strike). The therapists immediately made Molly sit next to Kelly, since they were hypothetically there to try and save their relationship. Kelly felt bad that Molly seemed uninterested in being in his presence. They all took turns talking about what first attracted them to their partner, and what turned them away. Kalani was formerly attracted to Asuelu’s kindness, and he was attracted to her….2 big personalities that he liked to motorboat. They were there because of a brush with infidelity. It seems Asuelu took a trip back to the Motherland (Sam-wa), where he was being “slut people”, and “got the BJ for real” (If ya know ya know). Kalani noticed his tongue had a whitish due, which she noted was a side effect of a yeast infection that he contracted from another slut person. He finally admitted everything, and Kalani was ready to be done, when Asuelu gave her a “hall pass” to kiss someone. She took him up on the offer, but accidentally started having feelings for Mr. Pass.
The therapists felt the hall pass was a bad move, while the rest of the crew had mixed feelings. Therapist Jenny was upset with the level of distrust, trying to dig deeper and trying to bring the whole truth to light. Kalani then admitted that she actually slept with the hall pass guy, instead of just kissing, which caused Asuelu’s pencil-stache to quiver. Angela wasn’t sure whether to be proud or in disbelief (which- Bravo, Kalani! Not easy to stump Meemaw!)
Asuelu was hurt, and said he saw Kalani still texting this mystery man, feeling the situation was different because he didn’t have a relationship with his island ladies. He worried that things were getting serious with Mr. Pass, as Therapist Jenny droned on. 

Kalani explained to the cameras that she didn’t anticipate having a real connection with this other guy, but she’d been missing that in her marriage for so long. They finished up the therapy session for the night, with everyone trying to process this crazy information. 

Looks like there is still a lot of drama to unfold, but I’m sure with Therapist Jenny at the helm, we have nothing to worry about. (That is, unless she has more than 6 diarrheas….. I wish Mother Sumit was one of the therapists too)