The OTHER way; Season 5, Episode 5

Mary & Brandan:

It was their first morning together and Brandan was feeling a bit ripped off. He was upset that the two had to sleep head to toe, and that Mary disappeared in the night (She was sick of getting Brandan’s toe jam in her face, and opted for the couch). He worried that she was uncomfortable with him, and was upset that things were a bit slower and more awkward in person than on the phone every minute. Mary admitted that she was shy and uncomfortable in person, but worried about upsetting her phonepal. She boiled water for him to take a “shower” (Since he was farshtinkener from the airplane) and then spoon fed him some lunch to make him fatter (Apparently Mary is a chubby chaser, as she wants Brandan to fatten up…. Like that witch, in “Hansel and Gretel”….)

It seems the first activity on the docket was “Bring your new American grandson-in-law to work day” down on the farm. Mary wanted Brandan to learn the family business and prove that he is man enough (in a different way than he was thinking the first night with his package-enhancing underoos,..) He also brought up the idea of telling Grandfather Mary that the two kissed at the airport, which seems trivial to everyone….except Grandpa Lolo. 
Mary led Brandan out to the rice fields where there was a rather fetching yak waiting to watch him fall in the mud. They looked on as Mary’s “LoLo” showed off his yak waterskiing skills as he prepared the mud for rice planting. Unfortunately Brandan’s boots got stuck in the mud (as Mary suspected) so he waded barefoot in the poop water (Pol would have been horrified). After farming fun time, they went to have a chat on the porch. Mary translated as Brandan thanked LoLo for the yak ride and tried to get Mary to confess they had kissed at the airport, though she wasn’t sure it was a good idea. She translated the kissing memo for him anyway, and was surprised when Lolo gave Brandan his permission to kiss yet again… so long as they planned their wedding ASAP. Though Brandan felt that Mary was the only “Babi ” for him, he did want to be together in person for a while and be comfortable with each other before proposing. (I hope he does it over dinner, with candles, followed by celebratory yak waterskiing). 

Next things next, they headed out in a tricycle (it actually looked more like one of those Playskool cars for toddlers) to meet up with Mary’s friends; Paul, Jello and Pudding (I think Paul’s mother should have named him Custard. He doesn’t exactly fit in). Brandan struggled to fit inside the tiny sidecar as he followed Mary’s lead towards the beach. 
They were greeted by the 2 dessert options (And Paul), as they all sat down for some traditional authentic Filipino pizza. Rice pudding led the conversation, saying he felt it was really fast for the couple to get married, and hoped they would take their time. He put Mary on “Front Street”, letting Brandan know that she occasionally would unplug the wifi so she could have jello shots…or pudding pops. Brandan felt really betrayed, knowing that Mary would freak out if the situation was reversed. Mary began to cry, feeling bad that Brandan was upset, though she also occasionally smirked…Brandan tried to comfort and reassure her that everything would be better now that they were actually together, and they all agreed to stop “jealousing”, as push pop so elegantly put it.
Call me crazy, but I actually like these two crazy kids. I also like the yak. 

TJ & Kween Kimbally #2:

Back in Jaipur, in the apartment with the dreaded lip on the countertop….
TJ went upstairs to check on Kimbally’s mental status after the apartment fiasco. He invited her on a walk and talk to clear the air, and the two sat down to meditate on the situation. They agreed to try different tactics while in the heat of the moment (which rarely if ever works in the heat of the moment). They ended on a positive note, excited for their wedding (That is…at least until Kimbally sees he picked the wrong shade of pink. It’s going to be the shower door round 2). 

Later on, TJ had a heart to heart with his mom about the fight with “The Kimbally” and smoothed things over. She was ready to start the week-long pre-wedding rituals, which included cow dung amongst other things. Mother TJ was slightly annoyed with Kimbally’s shrieking, though she claims to love her and prays the two will have a long happy marriage (That’s because she got a call from Mother Smitt telling her to look on the bright side….at least she’s not 100 with fat arms). Kimbally threw on a shawl to head to the ceremony, feeling a little uncomfortable.

The first day consisted of a “two-fer” ritual, all to honor the elephant God Ganesha who loves a good time (and hates the lip on the countertop also). Kimbally tried to smile as family members fed her things, handed her things, and sang songs (Hopefully they washed their hands after all of the dung).

The couple stepped away to chat about how the night was going. Kimbally seemed awkward but admitted to having a good time. TJ was worried about how she would take the news of her new expected roles as a sort-of Indian housewife, but didn’t feel it was necessary to tell her just yet (just like everything else).  

Sidenote: Ya know, in all of the little transitional segments, the “B roll”, Jaipur wins. They always have the most fun little interludes… From people riding painted elephants, to a guy doing tricks on an overly accessorized horse, to some ladies making pots out of cow dung. Jaipur is really the coolest.

With only 5 days until the wedding, Kimbally went out with her soon to be brother in law to shop for Bangles (Not the “Eternal Flame” ones, Kenny. The bracelets. God, Kenny… I know the 80s were your time, but come on). She settled on a shell pattern bracelet set, having a smug attitude about rearranging the pattern for the wedding. Once the shopping commenced, Brother “Yash” and Kimbally2 went to sit and talk to get to know each other a bit better. Yash, who seemed very invested in his brother’s personal life, was trying to describe what things would be like now that she’s on his home turf, making a point to mention how much TJ sacrificed for her to live there. Kimbally (with her horrible giant headband that looked like she had a toothache) immediately recoiled at the comment, as she felt she was the one making more sacrifices having moved across the world and leaving everyone she loved behind in the name of love (And now Kenny is over there singing ‘In the Naaaaaaaame Of Love” because he’s on his 80s kick again…Kenny just stop). Yash was trying to school Kimbally on Indian Culture, explaining why she can’t recklessly cook garlic and other fun stuff like that. Kimbally and her karate headband were ready for the fight, coming back at each comment with an equally obnoxious response. She made it clear that if she has a hankering for garlic, Dracula himself could not keep her away. Things took a turn for the worse once Yash called her “stupid”, which sent her into “oh no you di’int” mode, reminiscent of Chantel “You will not disrespect me! Good Night!”. (One of my favorite monologues of the series). Previews for next week show TJ getting involved with the infighting, and the situation looks like it’s about to get “a lot more stupider”.
Love & War…in Jaipur.

Why?!?!? Danielle & Yohan:

Danielle and Yohan were sitting with all 20 lbs of Danielle’s stupid hair when her friends arrived. They were beside a beautiful beachside pool, having beers and discussing the topic of making little baby Dan-hans (Ok even their celebrity couple name sucks). Danielle explained that the couple have been trying naturally to have a child, without much luck (though Yohan seems happy to practice). Danielle mentioned going the medical route, via IVF or a surrogate, which of course is extremely expensive, even if you’re on the manifestation payment plan. Her friends pointed out that the two have barely been together in person for uno ano (that’s “one year”, Kenny), and haven’t exactly manifested enough money to be comfortable yet. With Yohan unemployed, it would be hard for Danielle to support them doing the child pose 8 months pregnant. The friends Danielle told the couple they should wait until they feel ready and on a united front, before subjecting that cute puppy, all of us viewers, and now an innocent baby to watching their ridiculousness.

Next they all headed to a river where they would be meeting up with the Family Yohan. Danielle was concerned with getting into the water, not wanting to disturb her pH balance in the process. Yohan explained the trip to the river was an important thing in the DR (because I guess they need to escape the beautiful beaches to spend a day in the cow pee river, and really get away from it all). Lizette and Sandra were outraged at the rogue cow wandering the riverbank, leaving a little treasure behind as he grazed (they’re lucky they are not in Jaipur!)
The Friends Danielle all got to meet Yohan’s rather large and tall, close knit family. The gals took Danielle aside to ask her how she felt about possibly raising kids in the DR, in the carefree laidback lifestyle his family seems to lead. Danielle admitted it would be a bit of adjustment, but she hoped Yohan would be more mature as a father, than he was as a regular adult. Will she magically mature as well?

Jewel-Iyo & Kirsten:

After last week’s Halloween fiasco where the twin devils really got into it…
Jeweliyo had the nerve to ask Kirsten if she had a good time. She was upset that Julio was trying to opt out of their roommate plans, and rehashed the events of the night that he conveniently forgot, where he suggested getting his own apartment in the Netherlands. Ultimately he agreed to live together to avoid losing her, though she was skeptical.
The next morning he took her to a nice breakfast spot where they sipped mimosas and had eggs benedict (No bagels?! No wonder she wasn’t loving Long Island!). 

JulEIEIO was reflecting on his life in New York and asked Kirsten if she’d consider living back in the US for a few months out of the year. She couldn’t understand why he would want to stay for a silly slice of pizza with the best drippy cheese and perfect crust, but also because he’d miss his family. It seems these two grow more and more apart with each passing sentence… and I think they’ve only had 20 sentences total. I’d rather be in Jaipur.. (Please someone buy me that t-shirt)

Karmando:

After last week’s breakthrough with Mother Armando, Armando felt the need to go out with his mother separately to speak his truth. Since growing some self confidence (and listening to “This Girl is On Firrrrrre” 27 times on repeat) he decided to air his grievances of the past (I guess Festivus came early this year). He told his mother how difficult it was to come out of the closet and how unsupported he felt, hating himself in the process. Mother Armando finally understood, crying and hugging her little Armandy (who somehow stole her face). She even changed her tune about the trio moving to Mexico City, feeling like they should do it if it meant a better life for Hannah. As Armando talked it through, he kind of made the case for himself as well, and admitted that one special perk was that they could probably find a surrogate there. I’m guessing this is going to be the new topic of their segments, since Kenny not speaking Spanish is getting viejo (That’s “Old”, Kenny… Jeeez…..)