Before the 90 Days of Our Lives; S6, EP 10:

Gino & Jasmania:

It seemed as though these two were on an upswing for the moment, as they prepared to head towards Boquete, Western Panama for a little vacay. Gino explained that he was abiding by the therapist’s rules to make happy memories together, so he was really putting in the effort. As they sat in the cab in traffic, Jasmine looked annoyed, explaining that her Bonito Gringo ate waaaay too much bean dip on his nachos the night before, which landed him on the toilet all morning (Of course one lousy diarrhea doesn’t mean he was allowed to skip the flight… Mother Sumitch makes the rules around here). They boarded the little puddle jumper plane and finally landed in Boquete (and I’m having flashbacks of the toothbrush incident….) 

Despite the explosive diarrhea, need for blue pills, and all around general weirdness, Gino was determined to give Jasmine the intimacy she won’t stop telling everyone she desires. Once at the hotel, he put on a robe and his most come-hither baseball cap as he plied his Panamaniac with wine. Jasmine took control, surprising Gee-Know with sexy hot pink lingerie and mismatched maroon velvet thigh high boots. She then pulled out a bag of “tricks”, including but not limited to; One ball gag, one whip, One set of handcuffs, and one soundtrack of maniacal laughter. Gino immediately gravitated to the whip and ball gag, like most people in his position would tend to do (It helped avoid unnecessary fighting and he got to get out his frustration from the potato peeler incident). 

The next morning, Jasmine was absolutely glowing. She beamed with pride as she discussed the couple’s first time showering together….well, GOLDEN showering together. She explained how she lifted her leg and used Gino as her personal fire hydrant. Jasmine was elated to have her first time relieving herself on someone be with Gino (Add “Baby’s first golden shower” to the baby book!) and now considers him her property since she peed on him. Gino smiled awkwardly when asked about the experience, leaving me afraid to ever stay in a hotel room again. Or Panama in general.

That day they realized they needed to make the memories keep rollin’, so they set out to go horseback riding (as production panned to 5 horse’s butts lined up). They saddled up and rode off, with Gino feeling sterile (from the urine), and also empowered. He was really starting to loosen up and try new things, (though some weirder than others). When they finished the pony ride, they stopped to take some pictures and discuss the topic of The Family Gino. Looks like the showers of bliss are about to turn into a thunderstorm as previews for next week show Jasmine having a video chat showdown. You know what they say….Golden showers bring May flowers (not like Coltee, who never brings flowers). 

Amanda & Razzledazzle:

Razvan took Amanda on a date to an older, traditional Romanian restaurant which she already deemed as “scary” (Man, She’s always a bundle of fun!). She twirled her two awkwardly long front layers as she complained that the traditional restaurant had a menu in its native language, which was inconvenient for her, personally. Razvan tried to convince Amanda to try the pork brain, which was a hard NO from the open minded negative-nancy (She’s more of a chicken nuggets mac and cheese girl, you can just tell). He wanted to introduce her to his parents, who lived in Croatia, as he saw the relationship as serious. Amanda felt nervous, and of course still questioned Razvan’s motives, and even more so when he told her of his lifelong dream to come to the USA (I mean it is hard to imagine he’d want to come just to endure more complaining). 

The next morning, Queen Miserable emerged and sat down fresh-faced to discuss their date night chat. Razvan tried to reassure Amanda that he liked her way better than America, and not to worry. He was taking her to meet his friends (so they will inevitably talk smack about her), as the two dressed up in their most tropical looks (Razvan had a Hawaiian shirt and Amanda looked like she stepped out of a JCPenney catalog from 2004). As she stood there, stank-faced and smacking her gum, Razvan’s friend Diana came over, probably dying to meet her. Amanda seemed intimidated, as Diana was obviously a good looking girl both coming and going, as she strutted around in her yellow thong bikini. Of course Amanda wasn’t able to show off her own beach bod to try and one-up Diana, since she didn’t bring it. To a pool party…..After we had to watch them return one and buy another one… Seriously?!
Trying to make it seem like there was another reason besides being a stick-in-the-mud, Razberryberet told everyone she had her period. The friends Razvan pretended to be understanding, as Diana took Amanda aside to have girl-time and get the inside scoop. She wasted no time asking Amanda about the relationship, and quickly disputed that Amanda was “in love”. Diana also added that the relationship was toxic, threatening that if Amanda broke RazVandalay’s heart, she’d face the Romanian Revenge. It seemed Diana’s wedgie was further up her butt than the stick in Amanda’s. 

Statler & Dempsey:

Back in the pretty fields of sheep and ponies…

It was day 2 on Ole McDempsey’s farm and Statler was feeling positive about the relationship, but not as much about the shower. She shrieked as she was doused with cold water, managing to escape her deadpan tone if only for a moment.The two got ready to head out to meet Father Dempsey, who D considers her best friend. Dempsey had yet to tell her father that the two were officially together, which made Statler more anxious than her usual. Dempsey wanted to wait until the relationship was somewhat serious before talking to her dad about it, and Statler assured her it was by dropping the “Love” bomb. Dempsey was happy to hear the sentiment, though nervous to reciprocate, as she felt things were still a bit new.
As they arrived at the British boardwalk, Statler felt her irritable bowels rumble with nerves. The two gals walked over to meet Father Dempsey, who was nice enough to share his face with his daughter. Dempsey introduced Statler, telling her father that they were an item, and proceeding to have a separate conversation with him while Statler shuffled nervously. She eventually “joined the chat”, sharing way too much about her prior relationship across the pond and how it didn’t work out. While Dempsey was fetching the fish and chips (Not “serving” fish, Cleo … .we’ll get to you next), Statler revealed her plans to move, which raised some red flags. He didn’t want his daughter to be hurt yet again, and worried that Statler was moving a bit too fast. Looks like Statler will unveil her moving scheme next week to Dempsey and we’ll see if she’s up to listening to the droning monotone 24/7.

Tyray & ThePhotoFormerlyKnownAsCarmella:

Oh yeah….this guy..

Tyray is still livin’ the dream, believing that Carmella is still a real live woman who was just too shy to meet him in person. He messaged the Carmella in the photo (the porn star) who agreed to meet him in Denver…….for $300/hour. Tyray was taking his sisters with him for backup doses of reality. He said goodbye to his skeptical mother, as he set forth on his love journey. Previews show him meeting SOMEONE in a bar….. Will it be the Carmella from the photos?? Christian, of Cleo & Christian? Caesar himself?! What else can they do with this?!

Cleo & Christian:

Back in London… 

Cleo was meeting up for a spot of tea with her friend Jane to dissect the visit with Christian thus far. She admitted that after their virtual reality date, they went to bed and got to another level in actual reality. Cleo felt their physical activity would be classified in the “love making” category, and that the whole experience was very romantic.

Back at the AIRBnB, Christian was making breakfast as he was asked by production to give his take on the evening. He described it as a “good night”, having made the first move, but claiming he didn’t have sex… just ran some bases (And managed to miss the bowl while cracking an egg as he spoke). 

Cleo went on to tell her friend about Christian’s sudden shyness and statement about not making the first move. She felt this was a big change from all of the things he had said when they were chatting long distance, as he always seemed pretty outgoing and forward (i.e. creeping out girl on the airplane. Maybe he just needs some liquid courage).

Later on, Cleo was talking to her friend again, saying she and Christian had gotten into a fight about their versions of the evening. She felt he “dun” wun to tuk about their intomacy and like he was lying to production. Who will run away faster; Christian or his hairline?

Meisha Meisha Meisha & KneeeeeeColllaaaaa:

After a rough night realizing that the man she was dating was kind of an insensitive weirdo, Meisha woke up jonesing for a little coffee. Wanting to get out of the disaster area hotel room, she sat outside at the hotel, reflecting on how the couple’s in-person communication has been very off. Kneeeecola met her outside on the veranda, calling her name 35 times unnecessarily, wondering what she was doing sitting all alone, Meisha. She explained she felt he was being inconsiderate with her feelings, and worried that the relationship won’t work out. KneeColaaa replied with a “No no no no, Meisha”, claiming he was willing to do whatever it would take to make things work. He went on to give his “10 Things I Love About Meisha ” list (which of course had a nice shout-out to God in there as well), and she felt reassured for the time being. Meisha.