Before the 90 Days; S6, EP 6

Gino & Jasmaniac:

Jasmine and Gino were seemingly getting along after making up last week. Afraid to break their streak of peace, Jasmine decided to go out for a little while to give Jeeeeeno some space. She took a walk to a park where she stopped to call Dane, her neighbor/ secret ex boyfriend from Australia. Being that the two are still close friends, she confided in him about her sex life with Gino (Lucky bloke…). Production pointed out the obvious hypocrisy of Jazzy J meeting up with her ex, as she would NEVER tolerate such a thing from Gee-know, and would most likely decapitate him if the situation was reversed (DeCAP-itated could refer to removing his head or hat, it’s the same in this case). 
As she continued to discuss her relationship woes, “DEN” boosted her self esteem by telling the Panamaniac (with his charming Australian accent) that she deserved to have a confident man who treats her amazingly (as he backed away from the video chat slowly, not wanting her to turn her sights on him…)

Next on the agenda, Jasmine turned into Gino’s personal trainer, wearing a whole lot of spandex and a pirate-style bandana on her head. She took her bonito gringo out for a run and to practice his squat thrusts in a public setting. Gino was embarrassed, as Jasmine tried to teach him some moves, selfishly hoping he would change up his repertoire in the bedroom department….. That is, when it actually happens. As the ridiculous thrusts continued, Jasmine tried to ask Gino what sexy-time act would really blow his hair back in the bedroom (if that was an option), but it seemed he was fairly uninterested. He claimed to have shut down all desire for the Panamanian Pirate due to her constant yelling and fighting, and was only willing to give up the goods if she learned how to control her emotions. Jasmine decided she would play along for the sake of a tall glass of Gino. She’d better get it together or she’s going to have to walk the plank…..

Riley (ew) & Violet:

Riley was excited, as tonight was the night he would finally get to meet The Family Violet. It seemed V took a break from her busy schedule (washing her hair, or talking about how much she hates fake pearl bracelets) to surprise Riley with a fun detour before the “Meet the Family” experience. Violet arrived wearing her power-color, red, to meet Riley and his dorky shorts/high socks/sneakers outfit and bring him to a Vietnamese clothier. She wanted to have a traditional custom outfit made for him, as she planned a few field trips to some special locations where  traditional garb is the dress code (It was probably important to have it custom made since he was currently the largest person in Vietnam. Also….. she probably doesn’t want to be seen with him wearing any more dorky outfits).
As they began to measure the sweaty giant, the seamstress asked Violet about the relationship. She only admitted the two were merely “getting to know each other”, while denying they were lovers. She used that dry, sarcastic wit to joke with her friend that Riley was a bit “old and ugly” then translated the sentiment to him, as he stood there being examined and measured like some kind of science project. Riley felt the sarcasm was lost in translation, and now questioned if Violet was just using him for unattractive costume jewelry. As the sweat began to bead up on his slimy forehead, she escorted him out of the shop, laughing at his discomfort. 
They were walking down the street when Violet received a text from a man who appeared to be topless in a picture on her phone. Riley caught a glimpse of the topless wonder and began to interrogate Violet on the man’s identity. She told Riley that it was just your average topless friend, but felt it was her private information and she didn’t owe him any further explanation. Riley (hot off the “old and ugly” comment) became very angry, wished her luck, and began to walk off. 
Violet followed Riley trying to explain that in Vietnam, people don’t have to give up their privacy to their significant other until after marriage (and “ugly and old” was a compliment). She also noted that the two had no choice but to call a truce since they had dinner plans with her mother, and could not cancel. Riley gave in, though his attention still lingered on the topless guy situation, as he couldn’t forget that Violet had lied to him about a few things in the past. 

After they settled down a bit, Riley and Violet headed over to Mother Violet’s house with the open-concept entrance where they were greeted by Violet’s 2 daughters and brother. Riley had gifts in hand to win over the Daughter’s Violet, but fell short when it came to his future mother-in-law-to-be (at least he didn’t get a two-fer at Claire’s on pearl bracelets).  Feeling salty about not getting a present, Mother Violet wasted no time telling Riley he needs to control his temper, as she had heard Violet many times crying on the phone with him. Reily agreed to try, feeling put on the spot, but I’m going to go with there will be many more explosive episodes between these two. I know I for one am already Mother Debbie Done with them…

Statler & Dempsey:

Statler is a 33 year old woman from Irving, Texas with ADHD and a rather random love of bugs. As she unnecessarily crawled around trees and dirt looking for creepy crawlies, she explained that she wasn’t like most girls. Statler described herself as an odd duck that was always just a bit too weird for everyone else growing up. She was adopted by a family with 2 boys, looking for the perfect little girl to become complete, but got a lot more than they bargained for. Between her generally weird interests and the ADHD, she felt she could never be enough for her family, and that intensified when she eventually came out that she was a lesbian.  As she got a bit older and more confident, Statler successfully swam her way around the dating pool with the ladies. Though she had a lot of date options in the past, none of the relationships ever seemed to work out. She decided to join a- say it with me now, “INTERNATIONAL DATING SITE” where she met Dempsey from England. Statler was infatuated with Dempsey’s accent and model-esque photos and decided she would…..hey! What’s over there?!?!? (Sorry, that was the A.D.H.D…..)

As she dined on her Hungry Jack frozen dinner while standing at her kitchen island, Statler stated that she really believed Dempsey would be her forever person. After talking everyday for months, she was super excited to finally meet, with the intention of trading in her Hungry Jack for (serving)fish & chips once she moved to England. Surprisingly, she never discussed moving plans with the British beauty, even though they decided to come on a show about 90 Day Fiance Visas and theoretically that would mean Dempsey would be moving to the U.S. unless they were on a spinoff called The Other Way but THAT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS………

Statler met up with her friend Sy (Who she possibly met at school if sitting in alphabetical order) and they went to a dessert restaurant called “Better than Sex”. They sat down to order the suggestively named desserts, as part of the segment where the American discusses their upcoming trip with a “straight man” of sorts who tries to warn them of the risk. Sy brought up the fact that this wasn’t Statler’s first British Rodeo (if those even exist). Apparently she had previously dated a girl from London and was ready to move, until the girlfriend broke things off suddenly, leaving her devastated. She warned that this seemed to be trending in the same direction, being that she was rushing into things. Back at home, Statler was struggling to pack for her trip because… What’s your favorite color???
Not only was she unable to focus because A.D.D., but she also received a video call from Dempsey, who had been in Thailand for some time with her father on vacation. Although Dempsey seemed excited about finally meeting up, it was unclear if she was as invested as Statler, and…..How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb??
Wanna ride bikes???!!?

David & Sheila:

Meanwhile, back in the Philippines…
It was the couple’s first morning together, and David and Sheila were caught by the cameras, intertwined in their pushed together twin beds. David explained that he was very excited about their first night together, as he’d been in the mood for a piece of Sheila for 2 years. Since Sheila had also been waiting for two years to get her David fix, it seemed that they ran into a bit of technical difficulty as he furiously signed that his “banana” did not exactly fit with her “donut”. They seemed to have worked around the issue in other ways, which they described in detail (as I dry heaved from my couch, trying my best to think of counteractive happy thoughts like Danielle and Moohamit and Nicole traipsing through the Moroccan desert). This was Sheila’s first time with a deaf person, and she enjoyed the fact that awkward dirty talk was not an option. 

David brought Sheila a few gifts, with the most important being a book on “How to learn dirty talk in sign language”(well there went that). He then suggested they keep their promise that they’d allow each other to go through one another’s phones, as part of a “nothing to hide” initiative in their relationship (They both have some trust issues….) Sheila came across one questionable text message between David and a female classmate, but he explained that the girl was just a friend, which eased her mind. |
Later on, Sheila decided to take David to the market, to experience all of the sights and scents of the dried fish and hanging carcasses. Sheila was happily showing off all of the delicacies, while David was thinking this was a perfect time to be on a diet (And if I were him, I’d be signing a big old “X” on all of the food options).

Later that night they walked by a famous local church, where David for some reason thought it would be the perfect time to get to know each other more in depth. He asked Sheila about her last relationship, which she explained was with a Filipino man who cheated on her. David signed that he could relate, as his ex girlfriend of 4 years had also been unfaithful. Knowing Sheila’s jealous side, David withheld divulging too much information about his past, feeling that she would become overrun with jealousy. Since David is such a hot commodity and all..
I’m only still watching these two to see how he fares once they go home to meet the parents…

Christian & Cleo:

Christian was on the plane watching a James Bond movie to get in the mood for jolly ole England. He was grossing out everyone else on the plane with his fourth bloody nose of the flight, as he anticipated finally meeting Cleo (who may want to hold off on the airport kiss if the bloody nose situation persists…)

Meanwhile, Cleo was back at the AirBNB with her cute cats (Don’t take that lightly, Cleo… I’m a dog person, but those cats happen to be really cute), as she prepared to head over to the airport. She reassured herself in the mirror that she was “serving fish” (which I thought was something she was making for dinner that night, but turned out to be a term that means “looks like a woman”) 
She had her purse filled with all kinds of goodies for the airport like noise canceling headphones, a fidget spinner, and the infamous sunflower lanyard that hardly anyone else knows the significance of. Cleo explained that she has a tough time going to the airport since the loud noises overstimulate her, and really fry up the fish she’s serving (Also, the airport food court is also serving fish…. At Arthur Treacher’s). Cloe worried about Christian’s first impression of her, and if she’d be “fish” enough for him in person.
As she waited nervously (probably needing the fidget spinner)… Christian finally emerged, running to her with a big hug and long kiss. Cleo seemed surprised by the public display, and happy with Christian live and in person, even claiming he was “out of her league” (especially since she’s in a whole league of her own). 
Christian was hoping the awkwardness in the first few moments wouldn’t last, but overall excited and hopefully about the relationship. The two left and headed back to the AirBNB in a cab, where they had some very random “fill the awkward air” type of conversations, including a random compliment of Cleo’s nose, and using a “Bobby’s World”-esque Minnesota accent. 

Back at the house, Christian was introduced to the cute cats, though not yet ready to become a cat-dad (He’d rather serve dog…. But not like Sheila’s market experience…). After a brief tour, he immediately wanted to go to sleep, awkwardly unpacking his things and getting ready for bed. Cleo came into bed wearing a slinky nightie, ready to join him. They kissed goodnight quickly before rolling over and going to sleep like an old married couple. Cleo worried that Christian was uncomfortable being together in real time, and hoped it would get less awkward soon (though I’m thinking awkward is how she rolls…)