Before the 90 Days; S6, EP 4

Meisha & Nicola:

Meisha headed to the airport with her daughters, Sveaty and Bettie, to catch her flight to Israel so she could finally meet the man of her dreams (who was disguised as a 46 year old virgin… Maybe when she kisses him he’ll turn back into a handsome prince). 

Back in Israel, Nicola was fluffing up his 4 hairs as he prepared to meet Meisha for the very first time. He explained with crazy eyes that he was sooo maaach excited, as he loaded up his tinymobile and headed to the airport. Nicola was a little rusty in the kissing department, as he had been saving his lip locking skills for 16 years. He waited with excitement as he saw Meisha coming towards him, breaking his 16 year dry spell with a few short pecks. 
They both seemed happy to finally be in each other’s presence, despite the rest of the world’s confusion. Nicola felt Meisha looked even better in person (probably because her whole face is an Instagram filter), and she in turn said Nicola was even more attractive in reality (How many “Hail Marys” is she going to have to say after that one?! Lying is a sin, Meisha…)
They both got into the car, making sure to “bless” themselves as they headed towards Nazareth, Jesus’s old hood. 

Once at the hotel, Nicola schlepped the bags inside, making sure to give the hotel manager way too much info about his relationship, requesting that the room have 2 separate beds (and a pull out couch for the holy spirit). Meisha was so excited to be together, but felt she was the only one displaying little flirtatious gestures (aka…Nicola has no game). While Nicola went downstairs to get some wine and hummus (because he’s the Zohan without the sexy time), it seemed as if a bomb had hit the hotel room, planted specifically in Meisha’s suitcase. There were piles of HSN synthetics all over the dresser, things hanging from the tv, and a collection of sandals, making the room look like the aftermath from a party in an 80’s movie. Nicola was already feeling overwhelmed by the chaotic mess, but chose to ignore it because…hummus (I don’t blame him, it really is that good in Israel). Really feeling in the moment (with the hummus breath), Nicola felt ready to marry Meisha on the spot…. Save for the fact that she was still waiting for her annulment. Though Meisha was thrilled to be with her favorite faith-warrior, she wasn’t yet positive enough about committing to being together forever and ever Amen. Looking forward to watching their spiritual connection continue… and perhaps also die on the cross. 

Gino & Jasmaniac:

After the potato peeling incident, Gino and Jasmine woke up the next morning, ready to start anew. Apparently Gino surprised her with the old “rocket in the pocket”, having taken his little  blue pill first thing in the morning. Jasmine was thrilled that he had finally made the first move, being that they had only known each other biblically (Meisha and Nicola’s ears perked up)…7 times in 2 years. Though she was glad to finally be getting a piece of Gino’s man-meat, Jasmine was concerned that he was still unable to perform the grand finale (Is it normal that I’m wondering if “little Gino” also wears a hat?!?) Gino weaseled his way out of the conversation by doling out some gifts he had brought.
He handed Jasmine a fanny pack of sorts, whose purpose was to replace the original fanny pack he had given her, that she most likely threw away. Gift number 2 was one strand of a hair extension that cost around $300, and would need to bring about 10 friends along to cover the frizzy mop atop of Jasmine’s head. Gino had sticker shock about the extension prices, feeling like Jasmine is out of control with her demands and spending. He started to get in that “potato peeler” mode, but instead decided to diffuse the situation and suggest they go for breakfast instead (Table for 3, please. Jasmine brought her stuffed unicorn along at Gino’s insistence.. Maybe he was hoping it would qualify her for the kid’s menu. Gotta save that hair extension money somehow…)

At the breakfast table, the couple held hands as Gino bumbled on the topic of a prenup(nush). Jasmine’s eyes narrowed as she cursed out of her favorite gringo, calmly at first, then made a big statement by handing back her engagement ring. Her veggie wrap (presumably containing one beet, one carrot, and an unpeeled potato) sat discarded on her plate, as Jasmine’s anger-storm began to brew.

The next morning, at the $3000/month apartment, Gino explained that Jasmine was so mad about the prenup that she slept in another room. He knocked on her door, asking her to join him on the overpriced balcony. She was so upset that her eyes went from blue to brown, as she cut Gino off at the pass, leaving the scene in tears. She eventually crept back into the room where the mad-hatter was laying on the bed, attempting to throw him out of the apartment, when Gino offered to read her his peace agreement. Gino explained that in the event that he initiated a divorce, she would be given the highest amount of financial protection, except in the event of cheating. Jasmine went wild at the thought of being unable to be financially stable if she could no longer stand to look at the hat collection, and she crumpled the paper, throwing it at Gino’s schlubby face. 
She began spouting off a slew of hurtful comments, including but not limited to attacking his looks, sexual performance, and stating she was more attracted to her better looking, richer ex. Gino shot back with a sly and cunning “You’re the worst sexual person in the w-w-world” (I’m guessing he keeps a list of sly comebacks under that hat). I hope the stuffed unicorn covered his magical little ears… this is just the beginning. 

Christian & Miss Cleo:

Christian is a 30 year old guy from Minneapolis with a big personality. We first met up with him at a Halloween party, where he was twirling around dressed as a 70’s news anchor; A real crowd pleaser. He explained himself to be a hopeless romantic, which resulted in a brief marriage during the pandemic to his then-girlfriend. He quickly had the marriage annulled, but still was searching for his lifetime love. During his love-quest, he came across Cleo, an Italian “model” by way of London, who is….. Not like the other girls. The two met on Instagram, after Christian was smitten by one of her goofy videos. 

Then there was Cleo, who strutted awkwardly across the screen, debuting her lurchy model walk. She explained her tendency to wear headphones and a sunflower print lanyard around her neck to let strangers know she has Autism, and is affected by loud noises and busy crowds….which, would make sense if anyone knew that a sunflower lanyard stood for autism (I just thought she worked for the British version of T Mobile).  She met up with her friend Ousama (not the one with the donkey and Debbie..), to discuss.. Well, I’m not sure because she was distracted by the camera crew and went into a whole shpiel about astrology. Once back on track, she told Ousama all about Christian’s zodiac sign and their compatibilty, zodiacly speaking (with her nonItalian nonBritish accent.)

Later on, Cleo met up with her friend Jane at a vintage shop to discuss Christian’s upcoming arrival. Jane explained her close relationship with Cleo spanning over a decade, and how she has watched her blossom into a more mature and self-accepting awkward person. Cleo sorted through the racks, as her superfluous hair clip clung on for dear life in the back of her head, unnecessarily placed there (much like all of these segments with the friends). This was when Cleo segued into worrying about meeting Christian because she is trans (Where was the lanyard for that one?). She explained  her 9 year journey of becoming Cleo, holding off for as long as she could, since she felt that being Autistic was difficult enough. However, she still comes complete  with original parts, but looking forward to having bodywork done. Christian claims to be attracted to her as a person, and feels shes the ying to his yang. But of course Cleo is worried, as there are no “yings” in this relationship and two things that rhyme with “yangs”. 

Back in Mini Soda, Christian was playing cards with his friends (which we know is a cover so they can talk about his trip). The friends Christian (No, not you, Meisha and Nicola. Put the rosary beads down and walk away slowly..) knew about the trans situation, with both the handlebar mustache guy and ponytail man asking if this was new territory for him. Though Christian has lip locked with another guy in college, he seemed sure it was not for him. His friends tried to press how the relationship would work, being that Cleo still has the bait and tackle, but he tried to play it off by saying he loved her no matter what gender she was.  I hope she does complete her transition…into Miss Cleo. Accent and everything. (Pretty sure she was into astrology also). 

Amanda & Razzamataz:

Back in the apartment, Razvan was “razzing” Amanda about falling asleep early the night before. He chatted from his kitchen area while whipping up some of his famous pancakes, which earned him the moniker “Pancake Man”. Amanda still had that stank look on her face as she sat in the next room, removing her toenail polish. Who doesn’t love a side of acetone & toe cheese with their pancakes?!
Amanda was concerned that Razvan was making things move too fast with her children, since proposing that he come to stay with her in the United States on a tourist Visa. He tried to be patient and understanding, given the loss of her husband like the week before they met, and tried to feed her a flapjack “Lady and the Tramp” style. Of course she hated that, along with the pancakes in general.

They headed out on the town to go food shopping for some Amanda-approved items (May the odds be in your favor..). Razvan couldn’t believe- much like everything else- Amanda was incredibly particular about food. She doesn’t eat dairy, shellfish, gluten,….. (Only Romanian meat, as determined by the hickey still hanging out on the side of The Pancake Man’s neck). 

Next the two went to a local park, where Amanda irrationally worried about being attacked by a rogue vampire bat, or more pancakes, or having fun. As they walked around, Razvan asked her to be in his music video, as to avoid kissing another woman for the sake of his “art”. Of course that was also a big NO from the beacon of fun, who doesn’t want him to be with her or anyone else. Razvan explained his desire to become a successful actor, singer (and pancake maker. Triple threat), as he stopped to call his video producer to show Amanda he has one of those. The two discussed the shoot, and how Amanda would be in attendance, with the producer worried that she would be jealous like Razvan’s ex.  Amanda was put off that Razvan might kiss someone else in front of her, but passive aggressively left it up to him to decide what to do. Razvan really does seem to love Uh-MON-duh despite her cheery disposition, but hopes that she will be more supportive of his career than she is about…. Pancakes. Or counter space. Or gluten. Or….everything.

Riley (ew) & Violet:
Riley was about to make his final descent into Vietnam, ready to meet the woman of his dreams. Of course he had to make some kind of dumb bet (whoever touches the other person first loses), which killed the mood for me. Violet arrived at the airport with a bouquet of flowers in hand (take that, Coltee), nervously awaiting Riley’s arrival. They hugged awkwardly, with Riley standing a head above Violet, who was then in turn gazing into his nose hairs. 

The newly-formed couple headed off in their taxi, cuddling all the way, as they made it back to the hotel. Riley explained that Violet did not want to stay in his hotel room because it was against her culture (or she needed a break from the nose hairs). She gave him time to get ready and they reconveined at a restaurant (where production did a close up of her hands, revealing she only had a manicure on 2 out of 10 fingers). As they dined on some adorable food in a cute basket, Riley presented Violet with the pearl bracelet he bought her from Claire’s for her birthday. While she was thankful, she was less than impressed, as pearls are common in that region (and are not her favorite). 

He let the pearl subject go, and tried to plan out their first full day together. Violet unfortunately was too busy, as she had made better plans (like working, washing her hair, or maybe painting the remaining 8 nails she forgot to paint) and offered to possibly meet up for dinner afterwards. He walked her out to the car, receiving a lackluster hug goodbye. Riley felt confused about Violet’s lack of enthusiasm, as she had seemed so excited for his visit. He’d better up his game by giving her a better present… like perhaps, a Kenny G album from his extensive jazz collection. That would surely seal the deal.

David & Sheila:

Sheila loaded up her Louis Vuitton bag (which looked a lot more convincing than Supastar Sojaboy’s luggage) as she prepared to meet David at the airport. She laced up her “Pretty Woman” heels, and headed into the cab, leaving her son and open-aired house behind. 

She waited with nerves and excitement at the airport, as David came wandering out. The two hugged tightly and cried happy tears. Not only were they having a language barrier, but there was a sign language barrier, as Sheila did her best to keep up with David. Preview showed them heading into their hotel room, as Sheila looked quick to meet the eggplant emoji (but I’m not sure the proper sign language for that request).