The Other Way; S4, EP 4

Jen & Rishi:
Jen arrived at her hotel, which may or may not have had a resident snake charmer out front (I’m a bit jealous… the panhandlers in NYC only sell fake designer handbags, and those handbags do not contain snakes that like to dance.)
As she brushed her chunky 90’s front highlighted hair, Jen worried if her attraction to Rishi had changed during their time apart. Nevertheless, she hopped into the super fun old-timey cab to head on the 6 hour journey to Jaipur (Not Nazareth… the INDIAN Jesus is from Jaipur).

In the meantime, Rishi is praying to all of the Gods that his anti humidity onion moisturizer will be able to contain him when he frizzes with the excitement of Jen’s arrival. Mother Mary Rishi, knowing nothing of her son’s secret girlfriend, continued on with her quest to find him a wife so she can hang up her dishpan hands once and for all. Rishi dodged his mom’s matchmaking mode by telling her he was heading off to the gym to pick things up and put them down, when in reality he was going to the airport to begin “Jenny and Mike Jones 2.0”.
Rishi sat silently, full of nerves, as the tricycle-cab driver Fred Flinstoned his way to their destination, dodging rogue cows that crossed their path. Production felt it necessary to show a local Jaipurian woman scooping up cow dung with her bare hands, molding it into burger patties, and making literal “cow pies” to dry in the sun. Though she did a fantastic job, let’s not shake that woman’s hand..

Rishi waited at the airport with a small floral arrangement (undoubtedly grown in aforementioned cow dung), as he greeted Jen with an emotional hug and kiss. He eagerly showed Jen the apartment he had chosen for her, while the grouchy cab driver schlepped her bags up the long flight of stairs (That man deserves a large tip for his luggage services and also the ability to undoubtedly deal with about 10 of Jen’s mood swings on the long drive over).
Jen was pleasantly surprised by the layout of her new home (let’s just hope she keeps the kitchen cleaner than the last Jenny in India… I actually think that was in the lease). 
After the house tour, she and Rishi sat down to chat before he had to be home in time for curfew. Jen proposed that they wait until marriage to be intimate, citing the whole “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” theory (Which, I’m guessing does not compute in India. You can just milk a cow for free in the street, on your front stoop, while making cow dung pie….whenever the mood strikes). She didn’t want to let her physical attraction to the Indian Jesus cloud her already mature and wise judgment. She then asked Rishi when he thought they would be tying the knot, to which there was some hesitation, reminiscent of “A-Boy-Named-Sue(meet)”. He explained that he would have to slowly introduce her to his family, let them get acclimated, and ease into things, which should only take about 5 seasons of the show, if history repeats itself. They can only skip this slow process if she has 7 or more diarrheas (as per the law of Mother Smee).
Speaking of diarrhea, I sure hope Jen didn’t have any, since Rishi forgot to furnish the apartment with toilet paper, as well as heat, and blankets. The next morning, he appeared with a tiny space heater and a few yoga mats (which I guess she can always huddle under for warmth…or use for toilet paper. Note to self; Don’t use Rishi’s yoga mat). They headed to the roof for a yoga session, so Rishi could really show off his bendy skills and dirty feet. He suggested they try a pose from his Instagram, which was a form of “acroyoga”, done in pairs (Clearly Rishi was trying to use filming as his opportunity to showcase his unique yoga style, even though he stole the moves directly from “Blades of Glory”). Jen was a good sport, trusting that Indian Jesus would be able to keep her from falling face first onto the cement. The intimate yoga pose segued into her former topic of abstaining before marriage. She asked Rishi if he had been with anyone else during their two year hiatus, especially since he fits the profile of “Rishi Bigelow; Jaipur’s Gigolo”. He admitted to having some flirtatious conversations online, but claimed he was too busy at the gym to have the time of day for extracurricular tantric yoga.

The next activity was going shopping for a suitable outfit for Jen to wear when she mets the Family Rishi. They went into a dress shop where an eager salesman and his male assistant showcased the store’s finest wares. The salesman’s first option was an olive green party dress, which Jen felt was a bit too flashy for a first meet up. The seasoned salesman felt she may be lacking some vision, and had his male sales assistant try it on so she could get a visual of the whole look (I’m guessing the description for this job listing was “Human Full Length Mirror”). Though the tryer-oner appeared to be the belle of the ball, Jen politely declined. Next up was a yellow “Beauty and the Beast Bollywood” inspired number, which Jen also axed, despite the display-guy’s best efforts (I think I even heard him whisper “You’re gunna love the way you look….”)
Jen tried telling Rishi she felt all of the options were a bit too maaach for a casual “introduce your creepy American secret girlfriend to mom” lunch date, though he begged to differ. Rishi’s plan was to blind his mother with sequins and hope for the best. He feared that his family may try to push him into an arranged marriage (Stewmeat circa season 2), and suggested they ease into telling them about the relationship, waiting until they all got to know and like Jen before coming clean. Jean got progressively more mad as the two spoke, and eventually stomped out of the store pouting. Rishi tried to reassure her that they need to at least attempt to do things his way first, but promised to ignore his family’s wishes and be together if all else fails.
Let it be known I would brave stepping in every cow pile in Jaipur just to have that guy try on all of my outfits…..

Gabe & Isabel:

Isabel loaded the kids, Sara and Miguel Angel (No relation to Chris Angel, I checked), into the car to retrieve Gabe from the airport. Miguel Angel was on security detail and made sure to bring his Nerf gun with him, keeping it close at all times. Gabe came rolling out of the terminal and was met with a big, warm group hug, which revealed he was the second shortest in the bunch. They all had a happy reunion, even though he was beginning to feel the pressure, as he realized there was a lot to do in such a little amount of time. 
On their first day-date alone together, Isabel took Gabe for a little street snack as part of the obligatory “Make the American eat something weird they’re not used to” segment that every season must have. This time it was cow intestines (and for dessert, they can just swing by Jaipur for those cow pies that lady was making. Or maybe even a cow pie donut.. I saw the “Hot & Now” sign light up in front of her house, signaling they were ready).
Gabe brought up the topic of telling Isabel’s parents that he’s trans, as he wanted to be open with them before they got married. Isabel felt her mother would be on board after learning the truth about Gabe, but Father Isabel would be the hard sell. Hope he doesn’t have an even bigger Nerf gun…..

Kris & Jeymi:

The newly solidified couple awoke the morning after their awkward lingerie scene from last week, happy to be in each other’s arms. It was quite the relief to see that Jeymi had survived any and all of Kris’s ninja moves due to her night terrors. It must also be noted that the boob pillows were moved to a high shelf, which could at any time result in a boob avalanche.
The two laid in bed discussing their positive chemistry, while Jeymi’s little dog Zoe suddenly lost any ability to choke down her “Purina Uno”. Kris conveyed her need to make a stop at the drugstore for some special toothpaste, since she’s allergic to mint (Add “dragon breathe” to her list of adorable attributes. Does she have to brush her teeth every time she wakes up? Because…Narcolepsy). She then told Jeymi that they would need to have some serious discussions about finances since she was paying the couple’s rent and Jeymi had gotten them an apartment $100 over the agreed upon budget.

The two ladies took their show on the road, openly walking hand in hand as they headed out to la farmacia (that’s “the pharmacy”, Kenny. I can’t believe I’m still doing this…).
In addition to her bubble gum flavored toothpaste, Kris casually mentioned she needed to pick up some pain relievers for her neck and back aches due to “an injury from a car accident” (and now the grey roots, bad outfits, and lack of eyebrows made sense). She claimed to have opted not to have surgery, which left her with chronic pain that really seemed to flare up on the long flight over to Colombia (She should probably just have the surgery, they wouldn’t even need to put her under. Because…Narcolepsy.)
Jeymi listened intensely as Kris explained her hesitancy for having surgery, which involved a ton of money, having her neck put in traction for over a year, and a few metal screws to the head (which would be the best accessory she has worn yet. If she doesn’t believe me, I’ll just clap my hands and have the male sales associate try them on himself so she can see). Jeymi had no idea that on top of being a snappy dresser, Kris was also a walking medical case study who liked to relieve her pain with “bubblegum toothpaste”. Previews for next week show Kris’s next Crackhead 101 purchase; a weapon. I’m sure Jeymi felt like this was all some kind of weird dream, as did Kris…Because….Narcolepsy.

Nicole & SOOO MAACHmood:

Maaaachmood escorted his favorite mannequin out of the airport and into his cousin’s car to start their new life together in Egypt, take two. He was very excited for Nicole’s big return, despite all of their fighting and lack of cultural understanding. They arrived at their honeymoon suite, aka MACHmoody’s family’s home, which housed all 100 of his family members. The skittish Nicole was getting twitchy about having so maaach people in one small space, and all of the children and noise. 
The Family MACHmood greeted her warmly as they all sat on the carpet to enjoy a round of homemade potato chips. Brother Machmood with the bad teeth tried to assure Nicole that adjusting to life in Egypt will be okay over time, and eventually she will reach the pinnacle of her purpose in Egypt; Being able to buy vegetables at the market by herself. His wife, Fatima who is originally from China, seemed excited to have Nicole to pal around with, especially since the Brother MACHmoody-Blues seemed to feel there was no need for friends outside of family. Nicole became more stiff than usual, realizing that the problems she had with her past life in Egypt were still present, in the greasy-aired living room on the 75th floor of the overcrowded building she now called home.

After the loud and overwhelming family reunion, the couple retreated back to their bedroom where Nicole discussed getting their own apartment. Apparently during their last stint of living together they had rented an apartment, which Nicole then abandoned after not being able to handle walking like an Egyptian. Machmood was then stuck with the lease, and figured he should proceed with a bit more caution this time around. He proposed they stay with his parents for a little while to feel out her commitment before getting their own place. Nicole then turned the conversation towards the topic of clothing restrictions, which seemed to be a hot button issue. She admitted she had originally agreed to cover up, thinking turtle necks and bell bottoms weren’t all that bad, but didn’t realize she would miss dressing herself freely. MACHmood tried to ignore all of the robotic sentences coming out of her expressionless face, as he requested at least one night of peace for her big return (Clearly his favorite movie is “Mannequin”). 

Debbie & Ossama:

Debbie’s son Julian took his mom (and her fantastic wicker peacock purse) to see a lawyer to make sure she was protected, should Ossama turn out to be a “Yahoo Boy” (hat tip to Baby Girl Lisa, whose existence I acknowledge although the show refuses to do so). The lawyer advised Debbie to keep her assets in the U.S. in a private account, especially when it was revealed that her betrothed is only 24 years old, and a “farm person”, as Debbie accurately described him. Julian was livid hearing his mother explain that she’d like to spend a little money on her young loverboy down the line, once their “fairytale” romance has been solidified. She didn’t specify if that money would be for Invisilign, or at the very least- Florian teeth.

Can’t wait to see these two lovebirds finally reconnect and prove everyone wrong….or at least watch Debbie fall off of the donkey.