HEA; S7, EP 17

Big Ed & Regular Sized Liz:

Ed finally reached out to his teeny weeny mother, Norma, who upped her cute factor by wearing  pigtails. The mother/son duo sat down over brunch to discuss their fallout, all in the name of Ed’s love and dedication to Liz. He tried to convince his mother that he was “mostly” happy. This operative word made Norma’s pigtails/antennas go up, as she could sense there was still too much drama for this mama. Through tears, she tried to let Ed know he could always come to her with his issues, no matter how stupid they may be. Seeing they had made some progress, Ed decided to jump the gun and ask his mother if she would be interested in seeing Liz again. Norma’s pigtails shook side to side with a hard “No”, as her “My Little Pony” seemed to understand. 
Ed returned home that night to find Liz swimming around the hot tub like a Dollar Store Little Mermaid. He turned into “Sponge Ed Square Pants” as he put on his swim trunks and climbed in to discuss his meeting with his mother. Liz was nervous, fearing Norma may have inspired Ed to break off the engagement for the 45th time. Big Ed made sure to keep the tension going by letting Liz know that his mother had no desire to see her again, which was a real self esteem booster.
The next day, Liz went to have a conversation with “Chef”, aka her boss from the restaurant where she works. He offered to make her partner, promising a pay increase and a portion of the company based on her sweat equity (and by the looks of her greasy roots, she’s definitely capable of a lot of sweat). Liz was thrilled at the opportunity, hoping this would be just what she needed to move up in the world and regain custody of her daughter. She did, however worry about what Ed would think, being that the promotion comes with long hours where the Mucinex blob would be all alone, dreaming of showering in the Philippines with half dead rats.

Back at the house, Liz discussed this new career opportunity with her bite-sized beau, accentuating all of the perks and benefits it would bring for both her and their life together. Ed seemed to be accepting of her decision to take on the additional responsibility, which made things seem like they might go well for once. However, moments later, he expressed that he does not feel ready to move forward with a wedding, as he doesn’t feel like he’s being “heard”. Liz countered that statement by yelling “Shut up so I can explain that you’re being heard”, which made about as much sense as putting 2 U.S. citizens on a show about international relationships (WHY ARE THEY HERE?!?!). Ultimately the conversation went sideways, as per usual, with Liz questioning if she and her own personal Danny DeVito will ever become Mr. & Mrs. Mucinex.

Kimbally & International Local Talent SupaDupaStar Sojaboy:

Back in the Lifetime movie waiting to happen…..
In Nigeria……
Soak-A-Toe, to be exact….
Where no one should go to the meat market wearing open toed shoes and then “soak” their actual “toe” in a Nigerian toilet…….

Kimbally and Sojaboy-napper were busy taking his Soja-nephew turned “potential” son, Mahadi, to an amusement park so he wouldn’t notice he was possibly being kidnapped. They sat down to bribe Sojabrother Moohamit (who is still a “User” who Used me), trying to convince him that his son Mahadi will have a great life as their new fake child. Brother Mooham was initially concerned with his son being raised by someone of a different culture and faith, but seemingly okay with the idea of the random adoption. Hearing that it was even in the realm of possibility, Usman was now worried about getting approval from Sojamom, who is apparently the Judge Judy of the family. Kim tried to remind the International Superstar that the adoption process could take at least a year if not more, to which Usman was a bit confused. He was under the impression that after their marriage, he’d be able to pretty much invite anyone to the US to “Go dey” for him. Jamal sat on the sidelines of this “meeting of the minds”, probably in disbelief that his mother was willing to go through with this whole “Angelina Jolie” scheme Usman roped her into (but he was also probably concerned that his new bratty baby brother might try and steal his new PS5).

Back at the hotel, Kim went to talk privately to Jamal before his trip back home. Jamal admitted he was not 100% convinced on the whole Usman situation (not even 55%, more like 0), but tried to stay out of the entire mess unless asked. He was just glad to be heading home with his video game console, which he packed and wrapped securely (and hopefully had the same consideration when “waking up next to Veronica” on the “The Single Life” Tell-All. What was up with that?!). Jamal had a touching goodbye hug with his potential stepsojadad as he headed off towards home. 
After dropping Jamal off at the airport, the couple were back in the hotel room. in the midst of yet another argument. Usman had been packing his clothes and tidying up, feeling like their love nest had become a bit of a pig sty (which sounds like a great location to film their next conversation about adoption. Just make sure to wear closed toe shoes, please/thanks) . He mentioned the mess to Kween Kimbally, in what she felt to be a “nagging” tone, and added comments about her possibly getting a “Meemaw Makeover” like another Nigerian-American bride I know.. Kim felt attacked and went off on the Local Talent, listing all of the sacrifices she had made for the two to be together, without even getting any yammy in return. Sojaboy countered her argument by mentioning all the things he’s going to have to give up for the relationship (like the PS5 Kim made him give to Jamal). Kim waved her finger angrily, and threw down her engagement ring declaring she was “Mother Debbie Done”….again. Sojaboy took this gesture as a sign of disrespect and announced that HE was in fact done, and won’t be with anyone who treated him this way, sending Kim running out of the room to cry in the hallway.

Each day, over 2,000 American Meemaws are found crying all over Nigeria after fighting with their Yahoo Boys. Your generous donation can help.
By sending just 67 cents a day, you can help save a Meemaw by supplying her Yahoo Boy with the funds necessary to pay for his phone, buy the latest Sojaboy album, and more.
No Meemaw deserves to cry, and they thank you for our extreme generosity. 

Elizabeth & Udrrrrrei:

Undrrrrei was swearing in the car again (de ja vu), as the two finally headed off to the infamous family counseling session (It’s about damn time!). The whole Potthast crew was in attendance as they sat down with the therapist/Ex-WWE referee to work out the family’s problems. Chuck and Undrrrrei wore matching outfits again (which they claimed was by mistake, and not because Undrrrrei installed cameras in Chuck’s closet to see what he’d wear so he could match him, because twinning is winning. Also, he wanted to pretend they were Darcey and Stacey). Chuckie told the counselor that he wanted the family to get along and be close like they used to be, where they all worked together in the family business and had a big painted tour bus they used to ride around singing “I think I love you”.
Baby Chuckie chimed in, of course blaming Undrrrrei for the family’s discourse, and accused him of stealing his dad. Papa Chuck was the first to blame Charlie for being a drunken Beavis, and felt that the family shunning him was warranted. There was so much chaos and yelling that the counselor had to bust out the “talking cube”, trying to enforce the rules that only the holder of the cube could speak. Mother Elizabeth took possession of the cube, mentioning the hurt she experienced finding out her daughter was pregnant via social media. Undrrrrei, while using many 4 letter word, did not seem to care, feeling that Pam was against them and therefore on her way to being shunned ala Charlie. He also announced that he thinks someone from the family may have reported him to immigration, causing his potential deportation. Charlie felt this claim was ridiculous (Bro), and yelled back a Undrrrei, even though he didn’t have the talking cube…. The entire family took turns discussing the ridiculous accusation made by the Moldy-man.

This therapy session was not as eventful as I was hoping, but it was better than watching Undrrrrei curse in a car. Or at an aquarium. Or during an ultrasound…..

.Angela & Mykal???:

Back in Hazelhurst, Ga… a rogue Rottweiler was roaming freely outside by a few abandoned tires as Angela sat down in the yard, cigarette in her tie-dye acrylic clad hands, crying. She told production that she finally had received proof of Mykal’s infidelity, validating her 6 year claim that he had been cheating (I wonder if it was with that woman she saw in the distance in the photo of Mykal on the boat?? If ya know, ya know…). Apparently Mykal had been talking to a more age-appropriate woman via text message and social media during the time that he and Angela had been on the outs. He continued his online affair even when Angela was in Nigeria and the two were trying to work things out. Ang was gutted hearing the voice messages Mykal had sent to his mystery lady, being that he had used the same lines to win her affection. I’m thinking next week she might have to make another spite trip to Nigeria to choke Mykal out with one of her ponytails. Hold on to your bumpers!

Yovi:

Simply put… and, I know this is going to be breaking news… Yara wants to stay in Yore-Rup while Jovi goes to work for 3 weeks. They fought about it for the last 10 episodes. This week, Jovi agreed she could stay. Breaking News..
Jovi worried that Yara might get too comfortable on her home continent, and not want to hitch a ride back down to the bayou, and make more baby Yovis. Eventually, Jovi left his family to their sweater distribution charity, and headed off to go “3 weeks on”. Riveting stuff here, I know..

B-Lull & Shy-duh:

Shyduh decided to channel her “chic bee-keeper” look for her last night in NYC with Bilal. The two sauntered around the city, partaking in a street vendor pretzel (a much wiser choice than the infamous dirty water dogs), and made it all the way to the Brooklyn Bridge. They used the scenic location to have yet another fight about baby-making. Shy-duh tried to convince her new hubby that he’s “perfect” (a statement as real and accurate as Shy-duh’s blue contact lenses), as she pleaded one last time about procreating (With her steadfast persistence, I’m thinking she should quit doing yoga and start calling people about their extended car warranty).
Bile tried to spin the conversation to make her feel bad about rushing into the children scenario, as she begged through tears. Bilal admitted he didn’t want to give in to his wife’s request, as he felt like letting her have children would be the gateway to her wanting more things….. Take for instance, she wanted that pretzel…. It seemed the two had reached a stalemate, and Bilal symbolically tossed the iconic pretzel into the trash. Symbolism.
(I hope an oversized NYC rat got to enjoy the couple’s pretzel of despair. Actually, I think we all deserve a pretzel reward for having to listen to this stupid argument for the 3 millionth time. Extra mustard, please).