Sister Wives…Season 17, Episode 13

I’ve stayed quiet about this for too long, and I feel like it’s time that I bust out of the recapping closet for Sister Wives (albeit, on episode 13. I get the late pass)
So just to recap before I recap… Christine has left Kody, and now his harem consists of his “HBIC” Robyn, his fangirl Meri, and Janelle- who is barely hanging on by a thread (… or in this case, hanging on by a sewer hose for a “fif willer”).

In this most special of episodes, Truely is permitted to enter Robyn’s “palace in the pines” (which, if they get any more isolated and socially awkward can be referred to as “Shady Pines”) so she could spend time with Kody and the little kids. She seemed uncomfortable entering the hermetically sealed household, as Kody struggled to relate and keep things “normal”- whatever that now means. She was only shown for a few minutes, before disappearing for the rest of the episode never to be mentioned again. Did Christine pick her up? Did she walk back to Utah? No one knows…. Wherever she is, I hope she’s looking at the mountain.
Aside from his awkwardness with his children, it seems as though Kody is also on shaky ground with wife # 2, Janelle. The two met up at a restaurant, “Fat Olive’s” for a little outdoor dining experience (where I was mesmerized by the way Kody squeezed lemon wedges with a fork into his water. This must be how he managed to bag 4 women. Mystery solved). Janelle began their lunch chat by bringing up the topic of Thanksgiving plans. She mentioned wanting to spend time with Maddie, Caleb and the grandkids, which immediately sent Kody’s Ramen noodle hair a-frizzled, as he began to think of the quarantining and Covid measures that he needed to enforce for such an event to take place. Luckily for him, Janelle announced that she had independently decided to head to North Carolina for the holiday, so she could see her kids peacefully and avoid bathing in hand sanitizer. Another reason Janelle was anxious to head East for the holidays was to avoid conflict, since her sons have basically been estranged from their father for months. The boys felt that their dad had been Covid-crazed, and managed to enforce a 2 ½ year quarantine from 3 out of 4 wives/ families. Kody’s take on the strained relationship was that his kids needed to apologize to HIM for the way they had acted about not following his stupid quarantine pamphlet, and for talking smack about Robyn (though if it was about the eyebrows, no apologies necessary, boys…). Apparently Janelle’s sons, Gabe and Garrison, had sent Robyn text messages blaming her for the family rift. Robyn claimed not to be mad, but more upset about the kids thinking it was only her fault that the family was falling apart, and swore that she had no idea Kody had wanted them to apologize.
As the uncomfortable lunch dragged on, Kody seemed to want Janelle to “bend the knee” and discuss future plans with him, appropriately labeling this as wanting ”absolute loyalty”, the likes of which he has with Rockin’ Robyn. He feels that Robyn was somehow mistreated by the rest of the family (when in reality they took her in, accepted her children as their own- with Meri actually legally divorcing Kody so he could adopt her kids, and most selflessly- wore those $hit brown colored potato sack dresses to their “dedication ceremony” in the cul-de-sac somewhere around 1000 seasons ago..)
And while Kody was in the mood to be a total toolbag, he told Janelle he felt like they hadn’t been in a marriage for a long time, as she’s too independent. Of course this “independence” was what Janelle considered to be “survival”, being that Kody doesn’t seem to listen or come through for her or her kids and help her get things done. Of course Kody had to continue to sabotage their relationship by demanding Robyn-esque “loyalty”, adding to a series of flaws he’s now finding in his second marriage. Janelle, who is generally pretty laid back- maybe to a fault, tried to stay optimistic, claiming the Kode-man is her BFF, but she received no BFF necklace back in return. At this point, he doesn’t even seem to want to sign her yearbook. He complained about her independent problem solving, her decision not to rent a house and instead live in a van down by the river, and permitting her dogs to sleep in their (occasional) marital bed. Between the list of grievances and the “bad cheese smell” look on his face, it seems like Kody’s breakup tactic is to be the biggest jerk possible until Janelle finally leaves (Clearly this strategy hasn’t worked on Meri, who’s too busy facing the trees.)

Kody’s bad attitude comes on the heels of his breakup with Christine, which he primarily blames on her lack of adherence to his Covid 19 Protocols (which were as extreme as his curly hair plugs). Despite all of the precautions taken and years of family bonding time lost, it seemed that the Covid virus had finally darkened the favorite wife’s door. Apparently Robyn’s daughter Breanna brought the disease home from school and infected most of the household (except for their eldest daughter, Aurora, who ran into a downstairs bunker to escape). Approximately 20 minutes of this episode were dedicated to Robyn coughing in a hoodie, but somehow looking better during her bout with Covid than she has for the entire season, as her eyebrows finally didn’t look like twin caterpillars inching across her forehead in a slow race to the bridge of her nose.
Kody dramatically presented the cameras with his whopping 99.8 temperature on the thermometer, like a kid trying to play hooky from school. His anxiety was raging as he worried about his own health and that of his leading lady. The real tragedy of the episode, however, was when the cameras interviewed Janelle’s son, Gabe. He discussed his own breezy brush with Covid months before, which caused a major problem in his relationship with his father. Apparently Gabe had received a call from the curly-q wonder on his birthday, figuring it was just a regular obligatory birthday call. Instead, Kody just wanted to discuss Covid (his favorite topic for the last few years), completely forgetting it was the kid’s birthday, and leaving him crying in his on screen interview through his greasy hair. Gabe admitted that the two hadn’t spoken since, and he seemed to really be struggling. 
Meri also weighed in on the family Covid drama (though…whatever, Meri. At this point she’s basically hanging around like a piece of toilet paper that got stuck to the bottom of a shoe. Go look at a mountain…)
If you think Kody on a regular day is over-the-top annoying, you obviously haven’t seen him on Covid. He spent a solid ten minutes describing each muscle group that had been affected during his struggle with the disease, which amped up his anxiety to all new levels (but hopefully didn’t cause any more of his soft, bouncy tendrils to fall out). He recounted the time during the family illness when Robyn’s daughter Aurora emerged (masked) from her Covid fallout shelter, announcing how much she missed her family after ten days underground, while they all sobbed in unison. It was a shame no one felt this way about the other 20+ family members they conveniently forgot about for the last 2 years…
Eventually Robyn wound up going to the hospital, fearing her outcome as her coughing continued. Kody was devastated as he was unable to accompany Robyn, and contemplated faking a worse case of Covid to be able to be granted all-access passes (because that’s what we call “loyalty”, Janelle….. Just look at the mountain….)
After a few tests,   Robyn was sent home where she soon recovered, though Kody’s condition worsened. He became depressed and negative, though I’m guessing that had less to do with Covid and more to do with his divorce with Christine. 
But to detract from all of the Covid-crazy (which, Kod-vid has now declared he is officially “Mother Debbie Done” with since he finally had it…convenient), they decided to have a socially distanced isolated Halloween celebration amongst themselves.
Kody was dressed like someone’s drunk uncle that hit Maneschewitz too hard at the Passover Seder, reenacting the days in Egypt, having used Robyn’s eyebrow pencil as excessive eyelines. Robyn was Cleopatra in her long black wig, as she took the kids from room to room in the house to knock on the door and pretend to “trick or treat”. (But really…. If there was ever a Covid-friendly activity, it’s trick or treating. Wear a mask, gloves if you want, and be outside. Come on…). I hope poor Solomon and Ariella get to leave the compound some time soon.

Can’t wait for next week, where Janelle seems to get increasingly more annoyed by Kod-vid Brown and his back up gals, the Kovd-vettes. Until then, if you need me, I’ll be staring at he damn mountain, wondering what does the nanny do?!?!