HEA; S7, EP 13

Big Ed & Regular Size Liz:

Ed was packing his “fun” underwear to head out to Arkansas so he could introduce his re-fiance to yet another set of unsuspecting people. His poor innocent Arkansas family members were throwing the duo a second engagement party, which hopefully won’t result in the $13k ring being tossed into a cow pie.
The couple arrived in Bentonville, Arkansas with their two traumatized Maltese, as Ed spent the car ride from the airport discussing his childhood and upbringing. He showed Liz his old stompin’ grounds, making sure to strut around his high school track wearing pink Croc as he demonstrated his track poses from his glory days. Liz pretended to be impressed, as he made awkward sexual innuendos about fooling around behind the bleachers (which I’m sure wasn’t happening for him back in high school…. And if it was, I hope it included a half dead rat).
After that stupidity, they showed up at Ed’s sister Christine’s house for dinner. Ed was wearing some kind of bedazzled denim vest like a long lost Garbage Pail Kid as he made his way inside. Sister Christine expressed her reservations about Liz, being that she was up to date on all of the drama during all 45 of the couple’s jr. high breakups. She tried to urge her bite-sized brother to speak with their tiny little mother, Norma, who he had been estranged from for over a year. Liz cried, wiping her mascara tears with the sleeve of her sweatshirt as she listened to the family’s concerns about the ridiculous relationship. I sure hope someone is starting a “Go Fund Me” for Maltese… they’re going to need a lot of therapy.

Angela & Mykal?:

The reunited spouses seemed to be getting along for at least the first half of the episode, as they headed to some kind of body shop to find a new bumper for Mykal’s car (which was injured by Angela and her acrylic nails during the first “Angela Smash” meltdown of the trip). As they watched Mykal’s “baby” (the car… no one toted) get a makeover, the two agreed to go to counseling to see if they could help save their fairytale romance (an unpublished work of “The Brothers Grimm”, accent on the “Grim”). 

Once Mykal’s car was back to looking brand new like the first day it stepped off the line in 1995, the two set out to meet with the marriage counselor. Ang was looking hot to trot in her red, white and blue “Sandra Dee does Hazelhurst ” outfit, aka the perfect look when seeking therapy. Ang took her seat in the office, with her spiked American flag heels clanking on the floor, as she prepared to air out her grievances as if Festivus came early. She accused Mykal of being devious, and tried to get him to confess his sins to the innocent third party. Having seen what she did to the bumper, Mykal decided to maintain his innocence in the realm of cheating, most likely fearful that his wife would rip off one of his personal parts much like she had done to the car. The therapist listened, while also encouraging Angela to let Mykal speak, and actually pretend to listen. After trying to hear him out, Ang confessed to having a wandering eye of her own, explaining her innocent crush on her Canadian former male stripper friend, Billy. Mykal tried to point out the obvious double standard with this crush, though Angela tried to blame her blossoming internet friendship on Mykal’s lack of attention over the last two years they were apart. By the end of the session, the therapist was ready to retire (or at least change her office number), as Mykal tried to think of a new scheme for getting his patriotic partner to forget about Canada and stay in the USofA (ey?).. 

Libby & Undrrrrrrei:

Ok… I tried to follow this, but here is what I was able to gather…

Libby and Undrrrrei decided to meet up with the evil Sisters Libby for a midday smoothie, all managing to get the memo to wear white and denim. Undrrrrrei led the conversation by telling the sisters that congratulations were owed in honor of their latest Moldy bun in the oven, which had been publicly announced online, instead of privately told in person. Sister Jen expressed her hurt and disappointment in finding out the pregnancy news via Facebook, instead of getting a personal phone call, message, or fax. Sister Becky felt the same way, adding on by explaining the increasingly distant relationship the sisters seemed to be having as of lately, which of course stemmed from Udrrrrei hating the entire Family Elizabeth. It was around this time that the conversation just turned into a blur of Moldovan accent, whiney shrieking, and “bleeps”, as the Sisters Libby battled it out both verbally and almost physically with their Moldy brother in law. Becky went as far as to fling her fingernails in Undrrrrrei’s face as she tried to make Libby see that she was being manipulated. Sister Becky broke down crying, hurt that Libby is now terrorizing the family with her latest pregnancy. Libby was about 55% affected by the family rift, as she worked hard to try and play both sides of the fence. Other than that, it was just a lot of bleepity bleeping for motherbleeping sake. 

Kimbally & International Supalocal Talent Sojaboy:

Now that the blessing has been bestowed, Kimbally is officially redecorating the Sojapalace (aka helping Sojaboy hang up his  ((local)) “Talent Show” awards). Usman claimed to want his new fiance’s feminine “touch” when it came to decorating (which is really an upgrade from the shanty with the shared toddler mattress that he was previously sharing with another full grown man named “Giant” during his first season that we’re supposed to pretend we never saw). Aside from Feng Shuing his humble abode, Usman also wanted to take the moment to formally propose to Kimbally with a real diamond ring. Kim was of course crying tears of joy, feeling like this was the pinnacle of her Sojacourting career. She was so thrilled with the proposal, that she whisked him into the bedroom for a little yam session, so he would remember her after she left Soak-A-Toe.  
They flew back to Abuja where Kim would be flying out the next day to go back to California. Usman made no secret of his engagement, making sure the luggage attendant knew he bagged a real American woman (but not the kind that messed up your car bumper). Once at the hotel, they called an immigration lawyer via video chat to discuss the next steps in coming over on the K1 Visa. Kimbally read off the “contract” she had signed with Sojamom to the lawyer, to make sure the family rules coincided with the law. Unfortunately it was news to the superlocally talented couple to find out that Sojaboy would not be able to take on a second wife, as Polygomy is illegal in the U.S. (Clearly they slept through the first season of Sisterwives,…. Or were too busy looking at the mountain). Hearing that a second wife was now out of the question, Kimbally was secretly excited to not have to share her yam, but unsure of how the couple would be able to uphold the family contract.
It was finally time for the trip to come to an end, and the fiances headed to the hotel to pack up for Kimbally’s departure. This time around, Sojaboy was wearing a t-shirt with both he and Kimbally’s picture on it (the official “I need that Green Card” uniform). He paired the personalized tee with a patterned blazer, as the two set off for the airport, both trying to hold back tears.They had an emotional goodbye, as Kim set off to go home, but at least this time with piece of mind that she could eventually become Mrs.Sojawife.

Yovi:

Jovi was driving Yara, Mother Yara, the baby, and his random friend “Talmadge” to head to Germany, so Yara could visit her friend Karina. Karina is staying in Germany as a Ukrainian refugee, and because of this, Yara felt the need to go buy her a new wardrobe. She stopped at a boutique with her mother and baby Mylah, which gave them a minute to discuss their previous idea of Yara staying in Europe while Jovi was back at work. Mother Yara tried convincing her daughter to stick around town and “help” her people, though no specifics of such help were ever mentioned (I guess most Ukranians just really want a personal shopper in this time of need). 
Yara eventually purchased one single sweater (or “sweet-her” as she pronounced it) for her friend Karina, which would hopefully suffice and she braved fleeing her homeland. 
Once back in the car, she brought up the topic of staying in Europe while Jovi was out at sea, hoping it would enable her to “help her people” somehow, instead of just donating money. I’m hoping she plans to learn how to knit, so all people involved in the Ukrainian crisis can have a personalized sweater to east their troubles. 

Shy-duh & BLull:

Shy-duh and her friend Uterus had a little solo shopping adventure around NYC, giving them plenty of time to rehash the first meeting with Bilal. Uterus picked up on the fact that B-lull likes to deflect and act condescending, but overlooked the psychotic look on her own face when discussing it. Shy-duh tried to explain her husband’s behavior, while gently letting her BFF know that she acted slightly bizarre at the dinner table. With her head tilted and a crazy look in her eye, Uterus encouraged Shy to forget about her husband’s concerns and feelings, and put herself first
Back at the hotel, Shy-duh reported back to B-lull that Uterus was unhappy with his behavior at dinner the previous night and was now nervous for her future with him. She stressed the importance of Bile getting along with her best friend, and he agreed to have a private meeting with Uterus to clear the air (it’s always important to clear the air of a Uterus).
Bilal met up with the “U”, whose head was tilted like the RCA puppy, as she prepared for a fun game of “20 Questions”. B was shocked at how much inside info Shy-duh had told her slightly crazy-eyed friend, who quizzed him on the topics of baby making, and yoga studios. Bilal squirmed in his seat as he tried to backtrack on his promise of helping Shy-duh get a studio space, by saying he technically agreed to “help with her business”, which in his mind meant setting up a website, or maybe a Facebook page or something. He went on to say that he wouldn’t mind having a baby with Shy-duh if it just happened (probably because he had his secret vasectomy, and is chuckling to himself). Uterus was skeptical on the yoga studio end, but felt like Shy-duh could easily stop taking her birth control pills and make Baby Shy-lal happen before the contract’s due date. It seemed at least for the moment that the 2 ridiculous humans had called a truce for Shy-duh’s sake.