HEA; S7, EP 12

Shy-duh & Bilal:

The wet-blanket duo were packing their fancy luggage to head to NYC to meet up with Shy-duh’s BFF. Bilal nit-picked Shy-duh’s packing skills, all the while watching out of the corner of his eye to make sure she didn’t put the suitcase on the bed, because OCD (and also, bed bugs). 
They later landed in the big apple, really making sure to take in all of the sounds and scents of LaGuardia airport. Shy-duh remarked that the smell really reminded her of a “posey”, which apparently in Trinidad (and/or Tobago) is a place where they store urine (Why they’re stockpiling urine in general is a whole other question… but the comparison was accurate, nonetheless). Bilal was excited to romance his new bride amidst the pee-scented streets, which Shy-duh was agreeable to….. That is, if such activities resulted in conceiving a little Betsy Wetsy of her own.
The fashionista couple strutted around midtown, remarking at the bright lights and big city. Even Bilal was smiling, as he presented his bride with one single rose he purchased from a local corner store (not even the LED light up ones the bums try to sell you at the bars in the city, before they’re asked to leave and they go make a contribution to the “posey”). 
When it was time for dinner, they met up at a swanky Manhattan eatery with Shy-duh’s BFF  aptly named “Uterus”, who was subliminally there to remind Bilal it was time to make a baby (Also, I hope she won an award for her performance in the movie “US”. That movie was terrifying). Uterus came in hot, making it clear that she was unhappy with not having met Bilal prior to the big living room wedding, and acted extremely snippy. Bilal became combative, as he tried to mansplain that relationships are between the two people in them, and not outer Uteruses (Uteri? Not sure about the pluralization on this one). B-lull felt Uterus was a bit too nosey, as he continued to argue with her over her interrogation tactics. Shy-duh tried to de-escalate the unnecessarily heated discussion between her (non) baby daddy and her underused lady part BFF by shoving a basket of crackers at them as a peace-offering hors d’oeuvre. Uterus also weighed in on the babymaking scenario, mentioning that Shyduh should just take matters into her own hands, and stop considering Bilal’s opinions on the subject (which, probably doesn’t even matter since he most likely had a secret vasectomy). Clearly, the meeting between the two important people in Shy-duh’s life did not go well, but it’s pretty obvious that she has a certain type of personality she likes to surround herself with, and a whole lot of patience.  Would you rather watch more of these two, or stand near a posey on a hot Summer day? I’m leaning option B.

Kimbally & International Local Talent Supastar Sojaboy:

Sojaboy donned his finest pajamas as he accompanied his mother to meet his arranged “potential” bride. The beautiful young prospect, Fareedet (Pronounced more like “Fara-day”, not like “Parakeet”, which is what I initially thought when seeing the subtitles) sat nervously in her fancy blue dress, eyes cast downward. Mother Fareedet made it known that she wanted her daughter to be with someone legitimate, who wasn’t involved in any nefarious behavior (Not like Mykal-who gets the BJ for real), and felt a straight-shooter like Supastar Sojaboy would be the perfect candidate. At the ripe age of 18, Fareedet was barely old enough to buy cigarettes, let alone chain smoke, like the women who were Usman’s usual “type”. Never the less, he felt she was attractive and possibly someone he could go “dey” for, as far as making children was concerned. The arrangement seemed to be going well, until Sojaboy mentioned that he would like to take Fareedet on as his second wife, since he promised to make Kimbally wife #1. Thankfully for her self esteem, she did not agree to be second in line, though she did readily give over her phone number so the two could text each other privately (I bet they both have fun bitmojis).Sojamom was impatiently waiting outside of the date location, quivering with excitement at the prospect of having a daughter in law who was too young to know what a slap bracelet is. She was quickly disheartened, however, when Sojaboy said he needed 3 more dates and/or phone conversations before saying “Yes’ ‘ to the girl in the dress, and reinforced his love for Kimbally (which received a heavy Sojamom eye roll).

Back in the hotel room, Kimbally was whipping up some powdered Lipton instant mix in what appeared to be a mug stolen from the Cheesecake Factory- Nigeria, nervously awaiting Usman’s return. When he entered the room, she immediately inquired about the date, probably excited to hear that though he “liked” her, but didn’t feel any love connection immediately. Kim expressed her frustration with the situation, especially right on the heels of her romantic proposal, and seemed as though she was running out of patience. Sojaboy assured her that she would be number one, as the two warmly embraced.
The next day, Usman’s elder brother Moohamit (who’s a “User”) called a spur of the moment meeting between himself, Sojamom, and the unconventional couple. Moohamit pulled out a piece of paper, announcing that it was a “contract” that Sojamom had drafted up at the lawyer (or on Microsoft Paint from the original version of Windows). This was a “prenush”, of sorts, that clearly stated a few demands; Kimbally was not allowed to take any of Sojaboy’s riches, no take-backsies on the cow, mandatory visits to Nigeria every 3 months in the even that the couple moved to the U.S., and eventually, she will need to move to Coyote Pass to look at the mountain with her very own sister wife for the sake of the Sojaboy legacy. Kimbally was dumbfounded, realizing that this random contract presentation meant she was finally receiving Sojamom’s blessing, and couldn’t sign her name fast enough on the very legitimate looking paperwork. Kimbally embraced her new Sojamominlaw, and new User of a brother in law, and cheered excitedly as they all lived happily ever after…… (well, except the cow. They probably ate him).. The end. 

Jenny & Slumfeet:

Jenny was at the doctor after taking a bit of a fall while she was standing on a chair, trying to hang a picture of the Kama Sutra (thankfully I bought her that Life Alert as a wedding gift!). Smee was off pretending to work at the time, and rushed home to bring Jenjen to the hospital, where she was issued some Bactine and a bandage. Stewmeat watched as the doctor inspected and jiggled Jenny’s ancient arm (really for Mother Sumee’s benefit), then almost passed out seeing her receive acupuncture. Jenny felt that this incident was yet another reason why Swimmeet shouldn’t be working 7 days a week, and should instead continue to be her home health aide. 
Back in the filthy kitchen, Jenny was using her one good arm to swiffer the floor in honor of her daughter Christina and daughter in law’s arrival. Smee whipped up a home made dinner for the whole family, as he took credit for the cleaning and home decor. Christina rushed to inquire about Mother Smitt and the approval status, unphased to hear that Mother Smee started an Etsy shop making Jenny Voodoo dolls. Christina told Step-pappy Sumknee that she was hoping he would stand up for her mother, and demand she respect the relationship/marriage. Suitpleat didn’t outwardly say too much, but told the camera that he refused to make more demands on his mother, due to the ways of his culture. 

Elizabeth & Undrrrrrrei:

Still at the Grand Canyon…. The couple seemed to have ditched their masterpiece baby announcement cue cards and decided to head off to an alpaca farm (I tried to slip one of the alpacas a $20 to spit on Undrrrrei). Libby was feeling a bit tired so she went to rest her weary cankles with Chuck, who may have had a similar affliction. While they sat in the shade, Chuck brought up the fact that Libby may have jeopardized her relationships with her elder evil sisters, since she posted her baby announcement on social media rather than giving them a personal announcement. It seemed as though Chuck’s desperate pleas for family peace were going nowhere, so he decided to bring up the fact that he had almost previously died of cancer, with his last wish being that his family get along. The mega guilt trip didn’t seem to affect Libby too much, but she did agree to go to family therapy (which we’ve been waiting weeks to watch).  
Later on, Undrrrrrei and Libby took advantage of duel grandpa babysitting and took some time alone to make smores and curse a lot. They discussed the Family Libby’s reactions (or lack thereof) to the social media post about the pregnancy, and how their lack of enthusiasm could get them disinvited to the upcoming gender reveal party. Libby mentioned the idea of group therapy to Undrrrrrei, which seemed confusing, as he claimed they don’t do family therapy in Moldova (They just resolve conflict by dousing each other in jello and cursing a lot there. It’s the way of the Moldy-O). Libby worked hard to convince her Moldy Meathead that he should give peace a chance, despite his obvious disdain to the entire Potthast clan. Can they hurry up and show the therapy session? It’s like the only 5 minutes of their entire season I’d care to watch…

Angela & Mykal:

Ang had enough of Mykal trying to use her for her new revenge bod, so she packed her bags with the intention of fleeing Nigeria earlier than expected. Mykal called and interrupted her packing, asking that she meet up with him one last time to talk. She agreed, still seeming to have a weak spot for her favorite Yahoo boy, and headed out with her flowing ponytail to the meet. Ominous music played as Angela descended upon the restaurant, ponytail slightly off-center. Mykal opened the chat by agreeing to delete his Instagram once and for all, destroying his dreams of a blue checkmark and a lifetime supply of Flat Tummy Tea. Though Angela appreciated the gesture, she asked to see Mykal’s phone for closer inspection. She came across the name “Angelle” and opted to call this mystery woman to figure out the connection between the two. The woman (who may have been half asleep and confused as to why her college friend from 10 years ago’s angry American wife was calling randomly) stated that the two were just friends, right before hanging up. Angela tried explaining that all of her outbursts were really just fits of emotion, based on her true love for Mykal. They left together, hand in hand, seemingly on a positive note for the next five minutes. 

Yovi:
Apparently this week Jovi and Yara had a “Son’s of Anarchy” crossover, as they wore matching leather jackets to enjoy a mom and dad night out in Prague. They were later joined by Jovi’s friend Talmadge (or “T”, as he’s known around European brothels), who used to hang out with Jovi back in the day, frequenting the bars and strip clubs. The two sat recounting memories of their stripclub glory days. He inquired about Jovi and Yara’s relationship, semi insinuating that Yara was in it for the Green Card, even though she hadn’t left 5 minutes after receiving it. Jovi brought up the Prague apartment search, which of course didn’t help Yara’s case, and the segment was left with someone named Talmadge questioning the state of his drunken friend’s relationship. Good talk.