HEA; S7, EP 8

Kimbally & International Supalocal Talent Sojaboy:

It’s finally time for Kimbally to meet the Family Usman. Of course she wanted to make a great first impression, so they stopped by the good ‘ole cow market to pick up a little something special for “Mommy”. The friendly cow salesmen were very pleasant and helpful, fully prepared to give Kimbally- what they call in the cow-sales business, the “Sojaboy Special” (after all, he’s there every other week with another older white lady picking up some sickly looking beast of burden). After choosing just the right cow and arranging its Uber ride over to Mommy’s compound, Sojaboy helped Kimbally prepare her outfit for the big event. 
The meeting with “Mommy and the Elders” (which sounds like the name of a potential opener band for Sojaboy) seemed doomed at first sight. Kimbally sat awkwardly with the scarf over her head, one piece of hair going completely rogue in the front, as she tried to follow the conversation. Sojamom could barely glance in her direction, while Usman’s elder brothers just about rolled their eyes, citing the Babygirl Lisa experience they previously endured (they remembered, even though TLC keeps pretending like we didn’t all watch it happen and will make no reference to it). Usman’s sister was begging God to take Kimbally away, and Mommy was just wondering why her baby boy kept bringing home post menopausal chainsmokers. There was a knock at the compound door, when Kim’s Amazon prime beef delivery showed up, and Usman announced Kim had brought the gift of locally sourced meat in exchange for locally sourced talent. Unfortunately the generous gesture backfired, and the family became angry, insisting that it was a bribe. Sojamom did not seem to be enjoying BGL; The Sequel, especially as Kim began to get defensive over her inentensions. Things are looking bleak for the filming of “Sister Wives Nigeria”….

Elizabeth & Undrrrrrei:

The couple discussed their nervousness about Undrrrei’s upcoming Green Card renewal interview. Father Undrrrrei agreed to watch little Ellie while her ridiculous parents were heading out to their appointment (Well I guess he agreed, he just sat there staring and probably had no choice).  On the way to the interview, the couple rehearsed their joint answers to better ensure a positive outcome. 
One segment later, the two emerged looking discouraged, claiming that they were unsure of how things went. Undrrrrei of course took the opportunity to yell at Libby, blaming her for the botched interview, because there is no way he could have ever done anything wrong. He continued berating his wife, annoyed by her emotions. They admitted to messing up one of their questions, putting doubt in the interviewer’s mind (Though one quick click on their family YouTube channel, “Ellie’s World”, would have put immigration’s mind at ease over the validity of their relationship. They might instead want to investigate Undrrrrrei’s illegal dental practice – and if you’re totally lost at this point, consider yourself marked “safe” from having watched an episode of “Ellie’s World”). 
Undrrrrei went on a tirade, dropping the”F” bomb left and right, somehow blaming the entire need for an interview on The Family Libby. He announced that if he were to be deported, Libby and little Ellie would be packing up and calling the Moldy-O their new home. I hear the meat jello is great this time of year!

Jovi & Yara:

Jovi is getting ready to leave for work (3 weeks on), and is still insisting that Yara waits for his 3 weeks off to go visit her family in Europe. She eventually agrees to wait until his return so they could take baby Mylah together. She then went to meet up with Mees Gween for a contrived activity at a local DIY painting place where they decorate inspirational wooden signs that say things like “Live, Laugh, Love”. Gwen weighed in on her “fots” about the couple taking the baby to a warzone, despite the fact that Yara continually tried to remind her that Prague was currently a safe place to be. It seems like they’ve been having the same old discussion for the last few weeks (although I’ll take it over the “boob job” debate). Meanwhile, Baby Mylah needed a tissue, and that was pretty much the most exciting part of their segment.

Big Ed & Regular Size Liz:

This week picked up right at the end of last week’s ridiculous fight. Ed is still on the phone talking to no one on speaker on an abandoned cell phone, while Liz continued into this episode running through the streets of San Diego in her white flowy dress like some kind of drunken apparition. She was eventually picked up by production, who drove her back to Ed’s house. The two argued the night away, while the Maltese barked incessantly (My subtitles were on, and the barks roughly translated to “Please bring us to a rescue organization. We will even take a home with young kids or cats. We can’t stand these people!!”)
The fighting got dirty, ranging from ridiculing each other’s sexual prowess, body shaming, kissing techniques, and sexual orientation. Ed demanded that Liz go home to her ponytailed Grandpa and Mother Debbie impersonating Grandma’s house to take some time apart. Liz screamed a few more obscenities before storming off into the bedroom.

As Ed was smack-talking his taller counterpart, Liz reemerged, sitting next to him as she tried to defend herself. Ed was still trying to plead his case that Liz, may in fact be a lesbian, while she accused him of being controlling and announced that Both Big Ed AND Little Ed were small in stature. Ed tried dodging Liz’s semi coherent rants about his size and looks, by asking her where she put the $13,000 engagement ring that he had used all of his Cameo money on (That’s A LOT of dancing in chicken costumes). When Liz admitted to throwing the ring in a bush, he took shots at her intelligence, as she easily could have pawned the ring or done literally anything else with it besides feeding it to a plant. They both declared to be “Done” for the millionth time, and Liz promised to be gone by the morning. Can’t wait for next week when they sit down with Miss Gween and Yara to paint a “Better Together” sign to hang on their wall. “BuT We’Ve CoMe So FaR aNd GrOwN sO mUcH”

Jenny & Slumfeet:

The romantic honeymoon has finally come to an end, and Jenny and Mike Jones packed their things to head back to their monkey feces kitchen.

But if that doesn’t gross you out… I know what will… 
The happy couple discussed what great students they were, as they spent their last evening of vacation practicing their newly learned Kama Sutra techniques. Jenny tried out the “Cowgirl Helper ”, but obviously wasn’t paying close attention, as she sat on Sueme’s stomach and “broke his naval”. It’s not exactly clear what that means, but Smee mentioned calling the doctor because his belly button was leaking and he had diarrhea (But like Mother Smitt always says, it doesn’t count until you’ve had about 6 diarrheas, which I’m sure the medical professionals all agree on). SoupPee concluded that this would be the last time the Cowgirl yoga took place, giving the at-home audience advice; Always weigh your partner before practicing erotic yoga moves.
The two headed home, all the while talking about their other favorite subject; The disastrous relationship with the Parents Suitpleat. Once back in town, Jenny decided the two should add a vacuum cleaner into their lives, since her back aches so badly every (one time a year) she bends down to sweep with the tiny broom. SprainedKnee seems to feel that it would be better for Jenny to use the broom instead of one of these new-fangled vacuum machines, as it’s both a workout as well as cleaning the house (And he’s probably just hoping she won’t “break his bellybutton” again. Props to Stewmeat for taking a shot at her cleaning skills AND her weight in one swoop). He worried that if his parents ever forgave him and came over again, they may notice the house is still filthy despite the “lazy man’s broom”. He insisted that Jenny learn how to clean the house properly, conveniently absconding from all housekeeping chores himself. Jenny tried to let him know that if he wanted a clean house, he would have to do it himself. Afterall, she’s the one bringing home the big Social Security bucks while he’s out having 4,5,6 diarrheas…

Angela & Mykal??:

It was the morning after Angela’s personal demolition derby, and it seemed that a temporary calm had washed over her. She felt as though she now realizes that there is nothing more that can be done (though she hasn’t even rented a bulldozer to demolish his “compound” yet.. Slacker.) 
Meemaw headed to the gym to meet up with her pal Rene to analyze the past night’s happenings. She told Rene that she felt she had done all she could do, and it was time to admit defeat, head home to Hazelhurst, and hit up Lawyer Lew to call off the Visa. Rene encouraged Angela to call Mykal and attempt one last sit down conversation just to know where the two stand, so she would finally have some conclusion about her marriage. 
Angela and Rene had a hotel room fashion show in preparation for the next installation of the Mykal showdown. She decided to go with a blue jumpsuit and pair it with her power-ponytail as they headed off to a restaurant (which hopefully has full coverage insurance and a cleaning crew on standby). 

AND IN THIS CORNER… We have Mykal, still in shock over hurricane Angela surprising him in the night and ripping apart his bumper with her acrylic nails. He walked into the restaurant to have a face-to-face with Meemaw, immediately being met with hostility. She demanded he open his phone and show his private messages, though he was afraid she would smash that as well. Mykal reluctantly agreed to place his phone in Angela’s blue vinyl bag, and tried to hold it hostage in order to get Ang to sit and talk. Unable to control herself, and probably eager to prove her point that Mykal has been communicating with other women via social media and scamming her all along, Angela grabbed back her purse and started to leave. She ignored all of his requests to sit and talk, and focused only on getting her hands on that cell phone. Say what you will, but flying to another continent to sneak up and take your husband’s phone to see if he’s cheating is an inspirational level of dedication.

Shy-duh & B-Lull:

The power couple headed back to the fertility specialist yet again wearing their signature color- beige (Also, Yara’s fave). Shyduh cried in the waiting area just thinking of the bad news the creepster doctor was about to dispense, since he had to meet in person. 
They sat down nervously, as the doctor and his three strands of wispy hair standing straight up let Shyduh know that her egg reserve was low. He urged that time was of the essence in the baby making department, and that it would be wise to start trying to procreate in the next 6 months (as Shy-duh slipped him a $20 under the table). Bilal looked like a deer in headlights, realizing that his stall tactics were failing fast. Shyduh claimed that their relationship would be doomed if he didn’t move up the timeline and get down to business. It should be interesting to see if he’s able to have the vasectomy reversed within the 6 month timeframe….