Happily Ever After; S7, EP 3

Big Ed & Regular Sized Liz:
Ed returned from his seedy late night park chat with his friend Rich, to see Liz waiting up nervously. She worried that Ed would be influenced at the meeting and end their ridiculous relationship for the 9th time. Much to her surprise, Ed solidified his decision to stay together, letting her know that he really stuck his neck out for their relationship, and the two went to bed where their new dog, Leon, is traumatized nightly…
The next day, Liz took a very sweaty and nervous Ed to meet her male friend, Bery, who seems very protective. While Ed waddled off to the bathroom to presumably mop the sweat off of his forehead, Liz brought Bery up to speed on the improvements in her relationship. Bery gave Ed one of those “You better treat her right” sentences or two, before the pointless segment ended (I hope the restaurant at least got a little publicity from this otherwise useless underwhelming and unentertaining fluffy scene. The food did, however, look great).
Later on the couple were sitting around the house with yet another new Maltese to bear witness to their buffoonery; Baby dog Leon’s new emotional support dog-friend, “Le-ah” (how clever). Though it was cute to see the two new pups, again- completely useless waste of everyone’s time.

Lastly for this crap fest’s final scene, Liz expressed interest in taking on Ed’s hobby of photography. She came up with the bright idea of scheduling a photoshoot together, so Ed could show her the ropes, and decided to use her more attractive friend Alex as a model. When it came time to set up for the shoot, Liz was shocked when Ed treated her more like an unpaid intern, as he showed off while coaching/ hitting on model Alex. In between compliments to Alex, the Mucinex master photographer managed to shout out some technical jargon for good measure, to try and help Liz understand his craft. Liz peaked at the display screen, commenting that Ed’s photo made the model “look like she had no neck” (something you would think would be a turn on for Liz, personally, but was meant instead as a low blow). Ed was put off by the neck comment, and completely oblivious to the fact that Liz was becoming more increasingly insecure, leading her to eventually walk off crying. Does anyone know of a Maltese rescue in California? Those two are going to need a lot of therapy…

Meemaw Angela & Maybe Mykal?:
Meemaw is back! She kicked off her big return by drinking Diet Coke during her yoga class as she attempted to get her “Zen” on. She was feeling a lot of stress and pressure over her strained relationship with her long distance Nigerian husband Mykal. She explained the entirety of the courtship and marriage to her yoga teacher, who was probably thinking “Naah-mastaying away from this one!”. After divulging the ins and outs of her rocky romance, she moved on to talk about her weight loss surgery and Mykal’s struggle to adjust to her smaller bust size. As of lately, Angela feels like Mykal only calls to ask about his Visa status, or for money (and no longer for the “BJ- for real”). He also started his own Instagram, which of course made Angela wonder if he’s meeting other women online, and Yahoo-ing around town. 

In the meantime, she was seen on a park bench Facetiming another man(bun), Billy, hailing  from Canada, ay? Angela had met him on TikTok where she claimed to be impressed with his “art”, which included painting and formerly expressing himself with dance and movement of the exotic male persuasion. Possibly to the tune of “Stompin’ Tom Connors. While dousing himself in maple syrup (It’s his “schtick”, ay?). She confessed that the two talk constantly, which has filled her emotional void, since things with Mykal have been so bad. Angela mustered up the courage to propose she fly to Canada so she and her Magic Mountie-Mike could finally meet in person (a crime punishable by death, should it have been committed by Mykal and any other woman). Fearing the end is near with her long distance marriage to Mykal, she worried that this blossoming friendship with Billy could be her last chance at love.. 

Since a divorce seems imminent, Ang headed over to visit her old friend, Lawyer Lew, to discuss protecting her assets. She gave Lew all of the details, including the changes in their relationship, and lack of phone sexytime. Lew felt that the whole “lawyer” title should clear up any confusion about him also being a therapist but nevertheless, he listened. His advice was for Ang to think hard about possibly pulling Mykal’s petition for his Visa, instead of the possibility that he would get approved, come over and leave her (in which case, Angela would end up starring on an episode of “Snapped”. And I would gladly watch it). 

Jovi & Yara:

The couple went to meet Mama Gween for a boat ride with baby Mylah (and adult beverages). They wanted to discuss the recent rift between them, after Jovi laid into her about not “helping enough” while he was working 4 weeks on/ 4 weeks off. She didn’t understand what she had done wrong, being that she was constantly tagging along to babysit during the previous seasons, even on big trips. Yara explained that Ukranian grandmothers are just different, and she expected Mama Gween to want to constantly stay with the baby. After they all made up and decided to move on from that stupid disagreement, the new topic of disucssion was whether or not it was safe for the couple to travel to Eastern Europe for a visit. Gwen felt that there was too much tension in the region, while Yara seemed to shrug off the fact that her country was about to be at war, insinuating that Mees Gween was a scaredy cat. 

Back at their house, Jovi came walking in with a serious face and letter behind his back. He presented Yara with her papers for her Green Card interview, citing that she shouldn’t get too excited just yet, as they still had to prove their relationship was real. The two quizzed each other on stupid questions, like favorite color, to which Yara’s happened to be “Beige” (She and Shyduh, “50 Shades of beige”, clearly have that in common). They realized they actually don’t know any of each other’s favorite things (hopefully the interview will ask Jovi’s favorite activity- strip club. Easy, I passed).

Yara went to a cafe to sit and video chat with her mother, Olga, to let her in on the good news. Though she was excited for her daughter’s change of status, which ultimately meant she would now be able to come home to visit, they had to be realistic. Mother Yara had moved to Prague, but the rest of her family was still back in Ukraine, where things were still uncertain. Though Yara still felt like war was  not going to happen, she became very emotional, worrying about her family.  And whether she’d have time to get the boob job before the trip.

B-Lull & Shy-duh:

After last week’s war of the “Shy’s”, Bilal was still figuring out how to pick up the pieces.He moped pathetically in the sterile master bedroom of the “Oasis of Sophistication”. Shy-duh tried to get back in her husband’s good graces by bringing him breakfast in bed on a tray, consisting of hot tea and some grapes. He started to lecture his wife about not letting other people disrupt her peace, claiming that she was the aggressor in the conversation, and had now possibly caused a rift with Sha-HEE-duh, which could make things more difficult with their children. Shyduh felt she was not in the wrong, and maintained that “South East Diego” had disrespected her, while Bilal sat there doing nothing except sprinkling them with holy water. Though she maintained her innocence, Shyduh continued to suck up to her pound-puppy-eyed husband.

Jenny & Smee:

Jenny is recovering from her hormonal outburst from last week, where she nearly beat Stewmeat into the filthy ground in which she can not seem to keep clean. They sat down to discuss their fight, where Jenny explained her fear that SoupPit was going to leave her alone, again, to be with his parents. She made the whole ordeal about her, instead of being sensitive to the fact that newly orphaned SuitPleat had just lost his family and wasn’t focused on comforting her or her fat arms. The couple made up, and decided they would continue to be rejected by the Family SueMe, until his mother finally takes her threats too far, or they get their own spinoff. 

Kimbally & International Supastar Sojaboy:
Kim was busy packing her wardrobe of Sojaboy t-shirts to prepare for her trip to Nigeria (Clearly she doesn’t know the rules- You never wear the t-shirt of the band you’re going to see. Don’t be that guy….)
Her mother acknowledged that this trip is a dumb idea, but decided to retire her mothering duties, since her daughter is in her 50’s and now acting like an out of control teen from Maury. Jamal, Kim’s rather attractive son, drove his delusional mother to the airport, being forced to listen to Sojaboy’s Greatest Hits for the entire drive. She expressed her concern about Usman’s family’s approval, which would determine whether or not the two would have Sojamom’s blessing to get married (which means she’d better pick out a beefy cow at the market, or else- no deal. Also- she hopefully will wear close toed shoes. We can’t have a repeat BGL toe situation).
Back in Abuja, Nigeria, fresh out of the shower, Usman was thrusting while singing in front of the mirror in preparation for Kimbally’s visit. He drove over to the airport to pick up his Kween with his vanity license plate that  of course read “Sojaboy”. Usman mapped out the contrived and recycled plot for this season: Kimbally is too old to tote an egg, so he all of the sudden needs 2 children which he plans to have with a second younger Nigerian wife, which of course will cause jealous rages from American Kimbally. It’s 90 (Groundhog) Day Fiance. 
At the airport, the couple reunited with a passionate hug and romantic unmasked kiss on the lips. He must have worked out a deal with Build-A-Bear, Nigeria, as he brought Kimbally TWO stuffed animals (a penguin and presumably a raccoon), to top his previous airport gift to BGL of a one single teddy bear (because grown adult women all need a stuffed animal with a side of stuffed yam).
Back at the hotel, the couple exchanged more personalized gifts, such as “Her King” and “His Queen” ID bracelets (which are a big thing in Nigeria… I believe Angela and Mykal set that trend). Kimbally also brought Usman a shirt she had made at the mall kiosk of a photo of the two together, probably feeling like it wasn’t fair that her wardrobe was 98% Sojaboy shirts, and his was all African pajamas. After the gift exchange, it was time for a little yam-session, as the couple recounted all of the nicknames they had for “sexy time”. 

Unfortunately there was a lot of BTNA (Big Talk No Action), as the next morning, Kimbally revealed that she and Sojaboy somehow fell asleep without twice baking the yam, or even canning it. Despite the lack of intimacy, they planned a fun day together of go-karting while wearing hair nets. After a few laps on the track, they sat down to discuss the upcoming visit to Usman’s native town of Sokoto. Kimbally brought up the topic of the second wife/baby mama, mentioning that she preferred if this lucky mystery woman who gets the privilege of spawning Sojababies stay in his native Sokoto instead of the couple’s love nest city of Abuja. This somehow turned into a big fight, as Usman couldn’t understand how Kimbally could be willing to share the same yam, but not the same city, which he felt he should be in control of. The tension started to rise, as Kimbally claimed she was not going to be anyone’s “Sister wife”, while also saying she should have say in where the second wife lives being that she would be the first wife (Well technically, that title is held by another *cough*BGL*cough. Never forget….) I hope after they go shopping for a ritual animal sacrifice to bring for Sojamom they go to the Sister Wife market, where Usman gets a complete Kody Brown makeover. Are you listening, TLC?! Make this happen.