Happily Ever After?; Season 7, Ep 1

I’m going to start out by saying that I’m not sure how I feel about this season’s lineup. The term “Been there, done that” immediately comes to mind, though I’m trying to be a good sport and give it a fair chance. I am only so mach excited to see Mother Sumit, who happens to be one of my all time favorite characters.With that being said, here goes nothing!

Jenny & SumItch:

Well it appears Jenny and SueMe just rollerskated back into our lives unnecessarily…(I now know what I’m getting them as a belated wedding gift… a Life Alert for Jenny)
They rehashed their entire relationship, from its humble beginnings as “Jenny and ‘Mike Jones’ “ (Which would have made her “Jenny Jones” if that would’ve worked out…), to the Smee marriage scandal, and the ever popular “disapproval of The Parents Some-itch” storyline (basically everything except the nasal floss). Last season ended with SomeMutt’s parents finally coming to terms with the fact that their son’s ancient girlfriend wasn’t going anywhere, and accepting the relationship in defeat. However, at their season’s Tell All, it appeared that Mother Smee must’ve had her fingers crossed behind her back when she gave her seal of approval, as she was still as against the relationship as ever.  Luckily for Jenny and Smee, the Parents must not get cable, because they somehow missed the Season Finale Episode where Jenny became Mrs. Somehitched.
Back at their house, Jenny was distraught as she discussed her current state of dread over coming clean to SueMe’s parents about the couples’ secret marriage. The two argued for a while about how badly Summitt will suck up to his parents while leaving his elderly wife to fend for herself. They had to put all of that aside in order to get to work cleaning the house before the Parents’ arrival. Apparently Jenny still hadn’t cleaned the kitchen since the last time Mother Smee was over a few years ago, as there was dirt, crumbs, and monkey excrement lurking in every corner. 
The family arrived (including Brother and Sister in Law SumpPump), and Jenny greeted them with a round of chai for everyone, trying to explain away her sweat-drenched string cheese hair.
Mother Smee remarked (in her native tongue) to her age-appropriate daughter in law that Jenny’s arms looked fat, smirking like the loveable Disney villain she is. Father Spitt tried to make conversation by discussing his upcoming retirement, which was just a random fun fact that died mid air in the conversation.
Jenny decided to cut to the chase, asking why the family had not been over since they last lied to her about being accepting and loving parents. Mother Smitt tried to deny saying such nonsense, probably blaming production for their cut/paste editing skills to make it look like she was caving. After vehemently denying that she ever said she could accept a Sumit/Jenny marriage, Smee finally spit out the truth that the couple had already wed. This news sent Mother Spleen into a tailspin, as she cried, threatening her son, and saying she would “insult” him if he ever shows up to her door. Soooo I’m hoping next week he does, because I so maach love a good “Mother Smee” insult this time of year. 

Mother Smee =The Savior of the season.

Bile & Shy-duh:

It’s only been 5 minutes since we had to visit with B-lull & his now wife via the living room, Shy-duh. They relieved their flat lined relationship, of course featuring Bilal’s famous “Welcome to America ” pranks, and Shy-duh’s aggressive car riding behavior. Shyduh admitted that upon meeting him, she had to overlook Bilal’s “small head” and myriad of other“quirks” (aka OCD) since she wanted to go through with the plan to get married. The couple went out for a dinner date where they discussed their relationship, as well as Shy-duh’s feelings about Bilal’s ex-wife, Sha-HEE-duh. She felt as though Shaheeduh’s distrust during their last conversation on the previous season warranted an eternal grudge/ new storyline. Shyduh concluded that a confrontational meeting was necessary in order to keep the peace for the sake of the well adjusted and far more mature children.
Bilal and Shyduh (who is almost always wearing beige) set out to meet up with ShaHeeduh for the showdown. As they drove through the dreary Kansas City (MO) weather, Shyduh expressed her concern that Bilal would not be on her side during the “talk”, and that she didn’t leave the beautiful shores of Trinidad and/or Tabago to deal with stupid pranks and baby mama drama. The conversation will have to happen next week, to further drag things out. I hope Bilal plants a whoopie cushion under someone’s seat or some other fun prank to keep this interesting.

International Supastar Sojaboy & Kimbally:

After leaving last season’s Tell All on such a rocky note, it was quite a relief to hear that Kimbally is still as dedicated to her relationship with Usman as ever. She sat in the chair of a dental office, mouth aglow, beaming with pride as she described to the teeth whitening technician her long distance romance with the super star (all of course while watching the Sojaboy “Dabbin’ Dabbin’” music video on the dental office screen). She recapped their entire relationship, including her rise in status from “Fan” to “Super-fan”, then “Potential”, and eventually Kween Kimbally, the girlfriend. After brightening her winning smile, she went to meet up with two of her girlfriends for an unwanted dose of reality.
Kimbally explained her recent trip to Nigeria where Usman solidified the couples’ relationship status, and her commitment to eventually become his first wife. Of course becoming a first wife doesn’t come without a second wife, who would be the one to bear the fruit of Usman’s looms and preserve the Sojaboy name. The Friends Kimbally thought this whole “Seeking Sisterwife” spinoff idea was ridiculous, especially since they feared Sojaboy might end up running off with his Baby Mama, leaving their friend broken hearted. 

Instead of heeding her friends’ warnings, Kimbally got mad at the reality check and stomped off into the parking lot, before coming back to the dinner table to defend her relationship. The Friends Kimbally likened her behavior to a 2 year old throwing a tantrum, as they continued to question her commitment and desire to propose to Usman on her upcoming trip to Nigeria. Obviously the dinner intervention had no effect on Kimbally, as previews for next week show her taking the official “BGL” Nigeria tour experience. I look forward to watching her walk hand in hand with Usman through the market as they set out to buy a cow as an offering for Sojamom (who probably doesn’t mind that her boy is Yahoo-ing, as she’s reaping all of the benefits. He knows how to go “dey” for his mom). 

Elizabeth & Undrrrrrrei:

Why. Just why. 

Libby and Undrrrei appear to be living their newly found yuppie lifestyle on the tennis court (with of course Undrrrrrei channeling his inner “Melosh” from Seinfeld).The couple recently purchased a new home, which they proudly showed off to Father Chuckles, who seemed quite impressed. Of course they had to discuss the family business and the fact that the other Potthast offspring still do not accept Undrrrei and wished he “Go Moldova”. Another fun fact is that Brother Baby Chuck has been ousted from the family business, and the entire clan seems more divided than ever. Having recently survived a bout with cancer, Papa Chuck feels devastated to see his family in such a chaotic state, and wishes they could go back to the good ole’ days when they all fought peacefully on the yacht. As they continued on with the house tour, Libby showed off her new studio space, which she plans on using for her budding singing career, which of course seems like a great idea (I’m just hoping she starts a “Sojaboy” cover band, where she does nasal renditions of “I go dey for you” in her signature affected whine).

Next we saw Libby sit down for lunch with her 2 evil sisters, Jen and Becky, and Mother Pam. The gals got caught up in a typical mid-day Florida monsoon, which moved their lunch inside, as they continued to discuss Libby’s new membership to the Tampa Tennis Club and aspiring singing career. Both the sisters and Mother Libby encouraged this ridiculous new venture, though already assuming that Undrrrrei would end up sabotaging it in one way or another. The next topic was Brother UpChuck and his drinking problem, which has caused a huge rift amongst the family. Mother Pam, who felt the need to defend her eldest son, proposed a sort of family intervention to try and iron out their issues, so they could all come together to celebrate her upcoming milestone birthday together. Though I have no way of predicting the future, I am suspecting there will be a lot of awful Potthast in-fighting, horrible tone deaf singing, and lots of yuppy tennis outfits for this season.

Yara & Jovi:

The celebrity couple “Yovi” is back at it, starting the season off with PapaJo watching baby Mylah while Yara heads out for a girls night out on the town. After going through the background of their entire relationship (from their awkward first meeting on “Whatsapp”, to Yara’s adjustments while moving to New Orleans and dealing with Jovi’s “One month on/One month off” schedule), Jovi expressed that he was annoyed playing Mr. Mom while Yara went out with her friends who like to party all night. Of course his complaints put a damper on Yara’s mood, as she headed out the door in tears. Jovi worried about the state of the relationship if he and Yara don’t learn to find time to spend together, instead of taking turns hanging with the baby. 

Yara cheered up as she met her fellow blondes (Adele and “Cymphony”) for a drink at the bar. The friends Yara explained their observations about Jovi’s jealousy, which they deemed warranted, as they feel that Yara is the more attractive of the pair. The conversation then shifted somehow to Yara’s unhappiness with her body image, namely her boobs, post-breastfeeding. She described them to be “empty trash bags with pepperonis”, which caused her to lack self confidence. Furthermore, Jovi apparently agreed that “the girls” weren’t looking so great, which of course fueled the insecurity further (and he should know… he has seen many a ta-ta through his tenure at the strip club). Yara’s girlfriends agreed that a boob job would really improve the situation, and give her the boost she needs both in confidence, and bust.
Looks like next week the boobs are on the back burner, as the couple first hear about all of the conflict in Ukraine. I guess the pepperoni trash bags will have to wait, as there are more important things to worry about.

Previews for next week include Angela, the OG, getting flustered during a yoga class as she flaunts “How MeeMaw got her Groove Back”, before a later random clip shows her trashing Mykal’s car. We also caught a mere blinding 5 second glimpse of Big Ed walking around in nothing but a trucker hat, as he and Liz discussed their nauseating sex life. I can’t say I’m looking forward to next week, but I can say I’ll be there.