90 Day Fiance; S9, EP 17

Emily & Kobe:

Emily was mouth breathing around in her “Bride” robe, thinking over what a jerk she had been to Kobe the previous night at their rehearsal dinner (let alone all of the time). She decided to give him a call before the wedding to try and smooth things over, in hopes that he wouldn’t leave her stranded at the altar with 2 rings to return. Kobe listened patiently as Emily rambled on about how she finally trusts him (which seems like great news, since they’re getting married in 5 minutes and on secret baby #2). Kobe forgave Emily for being…. well, herself, even though he was hurt that she didn’t acknowledge his commitment and willingness to put up with her.
Emily was prepping for the wedding, accompanied by her beautiful Ghost mom, and bad-bangs sister (who somehow took a time machine back to 1997 for her prom queen updo). Emily’s comb over was perfectly in place, as she stepped into her wedding dress sobbing with emotion. Ghost mom tried to remind her that she would need to compromise a bit in her marriage, and not try to win every fight (though she should have just said “Sometimes, you should just listen to your husband and ‘F*ck off’ ”). 

Kobe was busy strutting around his hotel room in his tighty whities (for the second time this season), as he was getting ready to walk the plank. He was accompanied by his best man, Temperature, and close friend from Cameroon, Etchu (God bless you!). Both friends seemed genuinely happy and excited for Kobe, with Temperature having not cooled off,  still pushing the whole “Be a bossy African man” agenda. 
Father Emily showed up for a little “bro” time and side-eye, which Kobe genuinely appreciated. The two had an emotional exchange, hugging it out, and even weeping over the change of guard over Emily. Through tears, Father Emily gave Kobe a sentimental gift that he clasped tightly in his hand, which sent Kobe crying like a baby (Of course they didn’t reveal what exactly said sentimental gift was, but if it was any form of birth control, he’s a little late). Kobe felt more guilty than ever for “knocking off” this man’s daughter not once but TWICE, especially since this time he specifically agreed not to. Though he was tempted to come clean about impending Baby Omicron, Kobe ultimately decided to keep the secret, as not to have to hear Emily’s oversized-tongue lashing for betraying their “pinky swear”.
It was finally time for the main event, and everyone headed over to the wedding venue called “Tumbleweeds” (which I originally thought was referring to Emily’s messy, stringy wedding hair).

Kobe waited nervously at the end of the altar as the bride’s music was cued and Emily came plodding down the aisle. They had an emotional exchange by their officiant (baby Ellen DeGeneres) as they were officially pronounced husband and wife. Emily and Kobe entered their reception with baby Coban19 in tow, dancing and having a great time. The entire Family Emily seemed happy that the day had finally come, and that their precious Emily was now Kobe’s problem.
A few days after the wedding, Kobe decided it was finally time to come clean to the Family Emily about the secret baby news. During a family dinner, amidst a boring conversation, Kobe decided it was the right time to spill the beans. 
The crowd was silent, shocked that Emily couldn’t have followed the one simple house rule, but more disappointed that she didn’t even have enough respect to tell them sooner. She tried to keep things breezy, with a lackluster apology and eye roll combo, while her dad now feared his plans of retiring were no longer an option. He once again went through the whole list of adult things they need to figure out, like moving out and providing for themselves. Even Sister Emily and her bad bangs felt that Emily was once again being selfish and taking advantage of her parents. 
Mazel tov to the new Mr. & Mrs. King of Zamunda! (I was going to get them a toaster, but I figured they wouldn’t be allowed to use it since Father Emily would be putting them in time-out).

Jibjab & Meowmix:

Jibri was accompanied by his cool Grandma as they walked out to the exact dirt spot in the desert where the wedding would take place. Grandma asked about the conversation with Mother Jibri from the week before, (Ya know, the one where Jibri pretty much begged his mother to attend his non-beesh wedding, even offering to buy her a last minute ticket with his pretend money). He explained his hurt and frustration from his mother’s version of “tough love”, but tried to hold on to her half-assed “blessing” she was coerced into giving. Another key person missing from the big day was JibJab’s BFF and bandmate, Da-veed, who was obviously not #TeamMiona. Luckily, a real true blue friend of equally wacky character, Igor, agreed to attend the wedding and even offered to bring a very specific wedding arch for the two to get married under (which of course was by decree of Meowna, as she needed this affair to look picture-perfect for Instagram).
Miona had applied the perfect amount of bronzer and had affixed her special wedding day ponytail (made of real pony tails), only to find out that Igor, the helper, was going to be late with the arch. She tried to keep her cool, despite the snag in the plans (which of course affected only her “golden hour” lighting, as the two were having no guests or catering). 
Grandma Jibri helped bustle Miona into her fancy dress, feeling a bit out of place (she’s more of a pantsuit kinda gal). Meowmix took full advantage of the photographer, making sure to make the wedding day the photoshoot of her dreams. She looked beautiful in her poet-sleeve form fitting gown, as she posed in every which way with her pampas grass bouquet. Jibri looked handsome in his light colored suit jacket, turtleneck and bolo tie (surprisingly not wearing a matching wedding dress), though he was a bit hot under the collar, worried about Igor and the wedding arch debacle. Grandma Jibri seemed anxious to get on with the show (though she probably just wanted to make it home in time to watch Matlock).
Finally Igor showed up to save the day. Surprisingly, he did not have a hunchback, but instead a full mane of fluffy hair that seemed completely unbothered by the temperature-(the weather, not Kobe’s best friend). Igor was on-brand with his fringed jacket, as he brought out the infamous “arch”, which was nothing more than two pieces of plywood that formed a sort of wedding triangle. Jibri lit some sage to guide the couples’ way, as they danced down the aisle to his new hit country song he wrote for the special occasion. They stood at the magical triangle, with Grandmother leading the opening ceremonies. The couple each wrote their own vows, which Miona read first. Though her wedding day promises were simple and sweet, they were soon overshadowed by Jibri’s over the top vows, which even occasionally rhymed and included hand gestures. After the enthusiastic exchange of the vows, it was finally time for Grandma Jibri to pronounce the two as an official matching pair. As they kissed under the super-important triangle, the wedding photographer snapped away for the ‘gram. 
They even had a neighbor bring a vintage truck for yet another great photo op, as the couple drove off into the sunset. Mazel Tov to the happy couple! (I bought them a toaster, and painted it neon pink. I’m hoping that doesn’t make it highly flammable, but fashion over function). 

Pattycakes & Thighs:

Back in Orlando, Pat and Thighs were still staring deeply into the nasal passages of Father Thighs, who didn’t hold back on his negative feelings about the upcoming wedding. Patrick tried to assure his potential father in law, letting him know that he intends to love, and care for Thighs, especially since she’s hotter than most strippers. Although he didn’t agree with the wedding and wasn’t a fan of Patrick, he ultimately realized it was his daughter’s mistake to make, as his nostrils faded off into the abyss.

It was finally time to get married, and the two arrived at the farm-like wedding venue that Patrick had single handedly planned without Thighs, who was probably busy complaining or shoving her mouth full of breakfast foods. The wedding hairstylist that Patrick booked got started, having her work cut out with all of Thighs’s baby hairs. Meanwhile in the other room, Patrick did some kind of ritualistic rain dance, native to the exotic rainforests of Massachusetts (or, he was practicing a Brazilian dance he had actually let Thighs know about in advance). Brother John and a mutual friend arrived just in time to catch the end of Patrick’s solo act, as they asked all about the showdown with Father Thighs (who is also known as “The Nostrils of No Return”). John started to tear up, as he claimed he wanted everything to work out for the best for his brother and the child bride, despite his own personal feelings (but probably also because he realized his days of free rent were ending). 
Thighs was delighted to see her two “ugly girl” friends from the party had made it to Florida to be there for her on her wedding day. She admitted to them that she was nervous and still had her reservations about the marriage, especially since none of her actual friends that she liked or family could be there (That’s probably because Patrick didn’t bother to tell her about the wedding he had planned in Brazil, at a later date). 
Thighs looked terrified as she prepared to walk down the aisle to meet her tiny headed groom. She eventually came to the conclusion that she did in fact love Patrick despite her father’s disapproving nasal cavities. Patrick teared up as he saw her walk down, looking hotter than the hottest stripper that ever stripped off their hotness. 
The wedding officiant took the time out of his busy schedule of fetching his mob boss’s gabagool sandwiches to run over and fulfill his wedding duties. He stood nearly two feet shorter than both the bride and groom, as he opened the ceremony while wearing his Gucci tracksuit, which was as fashionable as it was comfortable. Though the couple’s personal vows were romantic, Patrick’s portion seemed a little off-putting the way it mentioned promising to “watch over and guide” her. 

The two looked happy, as “Vinny Velour” adjusted his tracksuit to pronounce them Mr. & Mrs. Pattythighs (I always wondered what happened to Dr. Taub from “House”…guess he’s now wearing Gucci and officiating 90 Day weddings…
The reception that followed seemed like a blast, with the couple performing their choreographed dance as the guests cheered from their chairs (in tracksuits. Maybe it was a required dress code on the invitation?) Mazel Tov! Instead of a toaster, I got them a flashlight so they can look into the caverns of Father Thighs’ nostrils during their next Facetime visit.

B-Lull & Shy-duh:

It was finally time for the lackluster wedding, as Shy-duh sat down with her makeup artist for a little glam (I’d double check that makeup artist and see who’s payroll she’s on…just make sure no one in the Family Bilal hired her as a prank to put on clown makeup. Ya know how those jokesters roll!)
The wedding venue was none other than the “Oasis of Sophistication”, which was decorated with some flowers, candles and hopefully no water spots from the messy bride’s “spray ‘n pray” sessions. Shyduh revealed that Bilal had made her required amendments to the prenup, which was the most romantic thing that has happened with these two yet. 
B-Lull smiled ear to ear as he got ready in his bedroom of sophistication, looking forward to pranking Shyshy until death do they part (which, if he keeps up the pranking, might end up sooner than later, and featured on an episode of “Snapped”).
Shy-duh looked so mach beautiful in her fancy wedding dress (the real one, not the fake-out), and coordinating turbo-veil. She cascaded down the staircase like a beautiful porcelain princess to the tune of Bilal’s daughter Zayna singing a song for her arrival. The traditional Muslim ceremony began, with the charismatic officiant requiring both the bride and groom to accept each other three separate times, to really make sure they wanted to go through with this. The living room ceremony was lovely, and the couple were finally pronounced Mr & Mrs (well, that is until next week, when Shy finds out the officiant was a hired extra and the wedding isn’t technically legal. Gotcha!).
The guests seemed to be happy for the couple, despite their rocky road to the altar. Perhaps the most enthused was Bilal’s son, who seemingly fell asleep during the ceremony (which was how I felt during their segment each week). The party looked to be a great time with everyone having fun doing a much more jazzy version of the electric slide, as the happyish couple slipped away to retire alone as husband and wife. Mazel Tov to the newlyweds! I bought them a toaster, but Shy-duh splashed water all over it and I got electrocuted and now my hair looks like Igor’s……