90 Day Fiancé; S9, EP 16

B-Lull & Shy-duh:

 Back at the “Oasis of Sophistication”…
It’s business as usual, with Shy-duh aggressively scrubbing her Home Goods chachkas like she scrubs her lady parts, all while wearing gloves. Bilal was spending some quality time learning TikTok dances with his daughter (which will undoubtedly lower her following in no time). He checked in to make sure she was on board with the wedding plans, and was happy when she gave a lackluster “Sure! Glad you’re happy!” diplomatic response. 
Shyduh paused her scrubbing duties to meet with Sister Bilal (or Bilal in a headwrap) for her very first dress fitting. Sister B surprised Shy-shy with what appeared to be a baggy, outdated dress, pausing to see the bride-to-be’s reaction. Shy-duh could not even hide the look of disgust on her face, as she started freaking out without a poker face. Lucky for Shy, Sister Bilal has the same sense of humor as her doppelganger brother, and the bad dress (much like the bad house), was just a prank. She was relieved when her sister-fiancé pulled out the “oasis of sophistication” dress, which was much more flattering (I wonder if Shyduh considered the fact that reproducing with Bilal could result in her own mini prankster… or maybe Bilal will bring her the wrong baby at the hospital as a joke. I hope they save that for ‘Happily Ever After”..)
Two of Shy-duh’s younger sisters who happened to be in the States managed to come out for the pre-wedding festivities, though the rest were stuck in Trinidad (and/or Tobago) due to the travel restrictions. As the sisters went to the nail salon, they sat and discussed Shy-duh’s lackluster relationship with the OP (original prankster), and all of the adjustments their big sis would have to make wit her new life in the states. Oh and the prenup. They love so mach talking about the prenup sooo mach. Looks like a wedding will be taking place next week after all! Can’t wait to see what wedding prank Bilal will pull!

Pattycakes & Thighs:

After a rousing visit to meet Patrick’s female clones in Massachusetts, the couple set off to Miami to thaw out. Apparently his friends had rented a yacht to throw the couple a joint bachelor/ette party, before heading to Orlando for the big day. The friends Patrick showed up in style, picking up the couple in a limo (the door to door burglar alarm system sales have obviously been quite lucrative). Thighs was excited for a little yacht action, but still feeling conflicted about marrying Pat (especially once she saw him on the boat wearing his yellow toddler sun bonnet, which was from the toddler section of Target to fit his tiny head). The swanky designer-clad Friends Patrick were happy about the big guy’s engagement to, since they had seen him horribly depressed after his previous divorce. They only hoped Thighs was equally as invested in the relationship, as they feared having to listen to Pat cry for another two years should things not work out.

After yacht-ing, Thighs finally got the alone time she was after, as the couple went out for dinner to discuss their issues. She brought up the fact that Patrick has not changed his controlling ways, only demonstrating them further by planning multiple all-expenses paid yacht trips without first consulting her- the nerve. He worried for the first time that she may really go back to Brazil, especially hearing how much she values her father’s opinion. 
When the couple arrived in Orlando, pre wedding, Patrick insisted on calling Father Thighs to smooth things out. Thighs seemed nervous, knowing the extent of her father’s distrust of Patrick, as the zoom call began. Patrick, in his perfect Portuguese, explained his intentions, and asked for her father’s blessing. Father Thighs (who angled his zoom chat directly up his nostrils), channeled his best Randy Jackson, as he said “It’s going to be a ‘No’ from me, dog” (but in Portuguese, and no, I’m not translating that for you, Kenny). Pat could not understand how his prospective father in law could not trust his intentions, especially when he himself was such a stand-up guy, having left his family for other women. Previews for next week show Thighs having her hair and makeup done (by the artists that Patrick so aggressively booked/paid for- the nerve!). Will we get to see a Mr. & Mrs. Pattythighs next week? Yo no se… (that’s regular Spanish, Kenny, not even Portuguese. I hope you know that by now). 

Ari-Oldyeller & BiniBiniYumYum:

I call this segment: “Two kids playing dress up under a sad blanket fort”.

It was finally the wedding day, and Bini was busy sewing Ari’s wedding dress, and building the synagogue out of bricks by hand… (Okay maybe not, but he probably could if he wanted to, all while doing backflips and making a TikTok video). He had a quick touch base over video chat with his wine-chucking sisters, admitting that he was a bit sad not to have any of them at the wedding ( I was too. They would have at least made it entertaining). Bini helped baby Avi get dressed all before giving Father Ari a haircut, busting out “barbering” as yet another skill on his resume.  
It was good to see that the prank dress from Sister Bilal didn’t go to waste, as she appeared to have donated it to Ari, who looked amazing in her shiny 80’s sweatband and bedazzled Spice Girl sneakers. Her sea-spray scrunched ponytail extensions swayed along her back, as she struggled to control her dress’s train.
Back at the abandoned temple….Bini waited nervously in his black and gold tux at the lackluster chuppah, which the rabbi explained was made of Ethiopian fabric, Ariela’s grandmother’s curtains, and some left over mosquito netting. After worrying that Ari might take Friend Yve’s advice and be a runaway bride, Bini was relieved when the temple doors opened to reveal his blushing bride. Ari was escorted down the aisle by her parents (Dr. Weinberg in his sharp suit, and Mother Ari in her sequin pantsuit with her favorite cotton V neck from every other episode). Sister Ari snuck into the back of the empty synagogue looking like she was ready to go to an 80’s prom party, with her drop waist dress and giant JoJo Siwa bow. 
The 3 congregation members watched the ceremony unfold, with both Ari and Bini smiling ear to ear. After taking the traditional 7 laps around, and breaking of the glass, the rabbi announced they were officially wed. Mazel Tov, to the newlyweds! (I thought about buying them a toaster, but realized Biniyam probably already Macgyvere’d one out of things he’d found around the house). What can’t he do???

Summer’s Yve & Mohomobot3000:

Yve went to get her nails did with the “Samantha” member of the Squad, in preparation for the wedding. Squad-friend admired all 45 engagement rings Moohamit had given Yve, but tried to warn her Nie-Yve friend not to be blinded by the bad bling. Her friend explained her own wedding woes, trying to inform Yve that she can always be a runaway bride just in case she chooses to acknowledge the multitude of red flags that have presented before her all season. Though Yve listened to the advice, she described her fairytale romance, and how she was looking forward to her happy monotone ending. She felt as though Mohammit had been stepping up his efforts lately, between his weekly proposals, and pretending to like doing her oddball activities with her (which were shown in a video montage that was actually entertaining). 
It was finally wedding time, and Yve was happily getting dressed in her bridal suite in the storage unit wedding venue of her choosing. Moohamit made sure his hair was piled high, as he made time for a quick prayer session with a friend before the wedding ceremony. Of course he would have rather had a Muslim ceremony, but he remembered his mother’s words of wisdom, reminding him to stop being a pain in the “bride” pajama shorts.
The squad went to visit Yve as she dabbed on her mascara, reminding her that it’s still not too late to back out, and they would keep the car running in the parking lot. Despite all of the warnings, Yve happily slipped into her less-than-modest wedding dress and tiara before helping Tharan into his wedding day suit. 
Mohomobot waited at the end of the aisle for his bride to emerge. Yve was escorted by her stepfather and Tharan, who had lost patience with the entire spectacle and stripped down to his “Legend of Awesome” t-shirt. Moe decided to look past the “haram” wedding dress, citing that it was just Yve being Yve, and even allowed his “emotion” button to be activated during the ceremony. The couple, along with Tharan, poured sand into a “unity jar”, symbolizing that they could never be separated (Though Moo-ham comes from Egypt and is familiar with sand. I’m sure he’s already Amazon Priming himself a special rake for after that green card rolls in). 
The reception followed inside of the storage unit castle, with Yve showing off her Egyptian dancing skills. The Squad weighed in, admitting that their ceremony was touching, though they would still be waiting with Ben & Jerry’s and ready to “Eat, Pray, Love” when things go South. 
Mazel Tov, to Nai-Yve and her friendly robot! (Of course I forwent buying them a toaster, and instead opted to purchase a back up bidet). 

JibJab & Meowmix:

The Wondertwins were surprisingly mismatched as they roadtripped their way from South Dakota to Joshua Tree to be joined in holy match-rimony. 
They had rented a very nice AirBNB in the desert, and were looking forward to their big day. Jibri’s cool grandma arrived, proving that one can leave their farm, Melissa Ethridge posters, and Subaru Outback to make time for their loved one’s wedding *Cough* Mother Jibri *Cough*. Grandma and JibJab sat down for a heart to heart chat about his disappointment that his parents would not be attending. He swooshed his orange poncho, as he explained that he was hoping by some chance his mother could rearrange her busy therapy schedule to find a way to attend. 
Jibri sat to video chat his absent mother, even offering to buy her a last minute plane ticket so she could be there (though it was most likely with her own credit card). Mother Jibri still declined, but managed to reluctantly give him her blessing, all while crossing her fingers out of view of the camera. 

Meanwhile, if this whole situation doesn’t warrant a bad yelp review as a family therapist, I don’t know what does….

Emily & Kobe:

The two were busy setting up for the wedding, before heading home to get dressed for their rehearsal dinner. Kobe and Emily decided to go with traditional Cameroonian wedding attire as the dress code, which was proving to be tight on Emily in her condition (Her condition being “Annoying”. Also, she’s pregnant). She still insisted on waiting until after the wedding to tell her family about the unplanned (by Kobe) pregnancy, and even used a decoy non alcoholic beer so no one would catch on. (Though I’m sure if they all find her tolerable, they’ll realize the lack of alcohol). Baby Coban19 and Father Emily took part in the African garb, as did Mother Emily, who broke the Ghost rules by changing her outfit. 

Emily and Kobe had a chance to sit down alone together at the party and discussed their current state of distrust. Emily feels as though Kobe is using her just to get closer to his dreams of moving to Ohio (Perhaps “The Drew Carey” show is in syndication in Cameroon, and he’s a big fan). Of course Kobe was offended, being that he left his royal position and kingdom to move to Kansas, and still was doubted. He didn’t understand how they could go through with a wedding, when Emily couldn’t even trust him the night before. Kobe stormed off, cursing Emily out once again, and hopefully went to get himself an actual beer. Emily was sat, mouth-breathing as usual, wondering why Kobe wasn’t just going along with everything she says, all of the time. In lieu of a wedding gift for next week, I will be buying Kobe a one way Greyhound bus ticket to Columbus, Ohio (it was like $5, so a win-win).